Monday, December 26, 2011

My Inner Jihad (struggle)

Alhamdulilah for my new post! IT has been a while but forgive me my dear readers for I have been very busy with personal things :) But Alhamdulilah I am back Insha'Allah ! :)

As of late, I find my struggles as a revert increasing bit by bit. Perhaps because I ask Allah in my duaas for more iman, taqwa, knowledge, courage, perserverance, and patience (just to name a few). The difficulties I once faced when I first reverted to Islam have been swept under the carpet and vacuumed on top of over and over again.
Challenges that i thought were once impossible, where made easy by the will of Allah.

The chain of events I went through after my reversion to Islam were a huge step for me. I underwent changes I never ever thought I would go through. I had to adopt the hijab, break the news to my family about my reversion, tell them I was getting married, leaving Toronto behind and moving to a completely remote area in the States, and trying to keep my non-believing friends all at the same time.

All these were physical challenges and Alhamdulilah, Allah Al-Kareem, He made it easier for me.

Today, I am faced with greater challenges.

Sometimes the physical challenges can outweigh the internal challenges but only we know how hard it is for ourselves when we must go through our own inner struggles. Nobody can see them, nobody can understand them, nobody can feel them except for us. The only one who knows these internal struggles is Allah (SWT).

The inner Jihad is always at battle. Whether it be the smallest things or the bigger things. Life is always a challenge and it's just the way Allah created it for us. If life were easy, we would all get everything that we wanted in this dunya and the Herafter. The biggest battle is within ourselves. We fight with ourselves, we fight for ourselves, and we fight AGAINST ourselves. The biggest test in this life is not finding the best job, or trying to find the best spouse, the biggest test in this life is to fight AGAINST ourselves; our own desires, our own inner conscience that is constantly at tug-o-war with itself.

Allah created man with free-will, to determine right from wrong, and to make the right decisions while on the right path. But not many people are as lucky as born Muslims or reverts. Some people Allah chooses NOT to guide them and they let their own desires take over the battle. They continue to struggle to find their purpose in life and think that "discovering self-awareness" starts with particular hobbies, jobs, or doing some kind of group retreat. The only way self-awareness can be found is only by having Allah in your life. God is your Creator and who knows you better than yourself except the one who created you? Your parents did not create you except that your mom was the one who bore you in her stomach but everything else is in the plans of Allah. Unexpected pregnancies aren't created by the people but in fact created by God and God only.

So back to the inner struggles I face. Day after day I always find myself battling myself internally. "Should I do this?" "Should I do that?" "What should I do in this situation?" " I really don't feel like doing this" or " I just don't feel like doing anything". These are a few simple questions that often run through my head. Though such a simple question, it is a hard response to come up with. I know any decision I make must revolve only around Allah and I know He is All Knowing, All Hearing, and All Seeing. He knows what exactly is the right thing to do and I know not. Sometimes I struggle so hard with my inner self that I find myself often crying and confused. I worry about my nafs (desires) and I try to overcome them by seeking Allah's guidance. Sometimes you think, "Oh its ok to be impatient" or "Oh I am allowed to be angry or rude just this once!" but is it really ok? I often go through days where I think, "well why can't I just listen to one song or why can't I just wear normal modest clothes instead of my abaya?" I also go through some inner struggles dealing with my family. I wish so so so so much that Allah would guide them and it breaks my heart to see such loving parents who are so misguided. Inshaa'Allah the power of duaa is the only way to get them to become Muslim (and of course if Allah wills).

To be continued..........


  1. Baarakallahu feek. Never stop to make duua so that Allah will guide tour parents to be a muslim. It just the same as my parents, Alhamdulillah we were bore Islam, but when I want to wear niqab my parents prohibit me. They said, niqab is terosrist way. But day after day, with Allah's guidance they permit me to wear it when I go out. Alhamdulillah, dont forget to make duua in granted time. When we are make sujud, between two adhan, when u will drink zam-zam, and etc.

  2. GREAT POST!!! So true!!



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