Assalamualaikum, 

It's been a while since I've posted on my blog. I've  been busy and caught up with TCB (The Camellias Bloom) and also studying in school! 

If you aren't sure what that is, make sure to check out my IG : thecamelliasbloom.podcast. 

Anyway, I hope you are all well (whoever still frequents my blog, lol!). 

Just a disclaimer, it's been a while since I've written on here so I am a bit rusty,  lol.

I used to  share my Ramadan Reflections on here often but I've 

taken a long break from blogging because I've been working on TCB.

If you follow TCB, you will know where I currently live. 

I'm trying to get back into blogging, insha'allah, since it is one of the things that I always find solace in and I think it's important to keep up my self-reflections and share them so maybe others could benefit, by Allah's Permission. 

Ramadan approached swiftly and left swiftly. 

To be honest, there were some Ramadans were I was left with a storm aftermath where I was left to clean up the debris. I can’t say that I’ve always had Ramadans were I felt uplifted, successful or on an emanating high, going into Shawwal. Probably since 2011 (when I first converted), I've experienced something of that nature a few times, and, Alhamdulillah for that because that is all from Allah anyway!

I've experienced a few Ramadans here so far, and I would say, half of them, were difficult, challenging, and I found myself really struggling to connect spiritually. Most of the times, I felt myself just going through the actions with my mind and not really having that inner, spiritual experience or connection to the blessed month. 

This year, I could say, was different compared to a few of my previous Ramadans here. I think that was mainly due to a hard struggle in trying to  shift in perspective and mindset and making lots of duaa throughout the year. I don't think I found that "emaan high" many look for during this special month, but I did experience something fresh and almost new. I'm not really sure how to describe the feeling, to be honest.

Anyway, Alhamdulillah for His blessings and guidance always and forever.

I was able to pace myself this year well enough to accomplish what I needed to. I also didn’t force anything upon myself and I took each day, day by day. I did what I felt came naturally, from my heart. The thoughts and ideas which inspired me, were able to reach my heart and as a by product, turned into (effortless) actions. Only by the Help, guidance and permission of Allah, He allowed it to happen and He made it easy. Allah also brought me more beautiful sisters through TCB community as He replaced those He took away. Subhana'Allah, the reality of this dunya is that, nothing is permanent, not even our friendships.  May Allah always bless us with good companions who are good for  us in all aspects, especially our deen and mental health and may He allow us to be neighbours in this life and in Jannah, ameen!

Even though it may seem like I had a productive Ramadan, and Alhamdulillah, I think I did...and even though I didn't get that "emaan high" - which to be honest, I wasn't really seeking that, I found my Ramadan to be balanced and insightful, by my Lord's Permission.

I'm actually ready, though, to get back to my regular routine, insha'Allah!

I’m not sharing this to highlight any successes nor to attract attention to 

my accomplishments. No, not at all.

Rather, I’m keeping it real and letting you all know, you win some, you lose some. 

That’s life. 

Many times, we go into Ramadan, or any acts of worship, seeking to gain that "emaan high" and when we don't get it, we  feel like we've failed and  fall into self-pity and self-destruction. 

I've been through this quite a few times!

I mean, what even is an "emaan high", lol.

While seeking that "emaan high" is beautiful, we  end up missing out on the big picture. We don’t realise that Ramadan ( or any kind of worship for Allah), is not done because we want an "emaan high". We don’t worship  Allah to worship a feeling, we worship Allah because that’s what we are supposed to do. An "emaan high" is a result you may or may not feel, or ever feel. And, that’s OK, because guess what? The "emaan high" is not the point of  why we worship Allah. 

We don’t pray, fast, avoid sins, do good deeds, just to look for a feeling - that "emaan high", just so we can validate ourselves that we are doing something right, something good.

No, we do it because that’s our duty and we are here to serve Allah, alone, not serve ourselves or our ego. Worshipping Allah, hoping to get a specific feeling out of it makes us attach our actions and our relationship to Allah in a way that is unhealthy. Because, what if we never get an "emaan high" from praying or fasting or whatever it may be? Then what? Do we stop doing it? Do we start beating ourselves up and saying we are not worthy of being a Muslim because we can't seem to get that "emaan high?" 

Indirectly, we don't even realise that our ego is involved in this type of mentality. It is unhealthy and quite toxic. 

Practicing Islam, serving Allah and worshipping Him, is our only duty and purpose in this life. It's not about us serving ourselves and doing things in return for a feeling of validation. We don't want our relationship with Allah to become transactional where we think that Allah needs to give back to us, just because we did our duties as a Muslim!

Who do we think we are! 

Allah gives because He  is Generous and Merciful. 

He gives because He does whatever He wants. 

We don't give from ourselves only because we expect Allah to give us something in return. Will we stop being a practicing Muslim and just leave Islam? May Allah protect us from such calamity and always keep us steadfast and die as Muslims upon Tawheed, ameen. 

Everything always ties back to Tawheed. Tawheed is the cure to all despair, all evil, and all our issues with our own ego. 

We often times feel despair, distraught, sad, etc.,  because we didn’t get that Ramadan vibe everyone else seems to get. But that vibe isn’t what we are meant to seek! We are meant to seek Allah and that’s it.

Instead of seeking the feelings of an "emaan high" try to seek for the feeling of gratitude and contentment because those are everlasting and with that, Allah will increase us in more. 

More in what? 

We hope in His Pleasure, His Mercy and His Forgiveness and His Kindness.

May Allah accept my worship and all of us Ameen.