I remember the days when I used to post on Instagram tidbits of my life. Little things from my every day life that I appreciated and thought to share with the online community.

I remember when I finally downloaded Snap Chat for the second time (because the first time it took me too long to understand how it worked so I just gave up) and gave it another chance. I remember how exciting it was to be able to share with others little snaps of my every day life. Adding Geo-filters and going out of my way to snap what I was eating, where I was shopping, and who I was with felt like such a fun activity. I wanted to share with everyone my "happy" life. I wanted to show everyone that I am "OK" despite my situation and that I was having "fun." I would do it just because I wanted others to think that I had an exciting life and things were going well for me. I wanted to show others that my life was not stagnant and that I always had places to go and people to see.

What a deception! I was in fact not OK, nor was I happy and the fun only lasted temporarily. At the end of the day, it made me really think to myself , "why am I living my life as a lie? What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to impress?"

I would see other people posting snaps of themselves travelling, enjoying time with their husband and family, dining with their families and having "fun" too.  I wonder if they were living life as a lie as well? I wonder what really happens behind the camera lens. Don't you guys ever wonder?
Is what everyone portrays their life to be on the online world ACTUALLY what it is?

I have seen so many non-Muslims and Muslims documenting and posting pics and videos of their "perfect" life. Always laughing and smiling and taking selfies with their man or with friends. Always dolled- up and having somewhere to go. Dining in at the fanciest places and shopping for the latest trends. Life looks so lavish and fancy online. But I wonder, what is really going on in their hearts? Are they really satisfied with life? Is their marriage REALLY perfect? They MUST be right? Because they look SO HAPPY?! I guess I will never find out because it really isn't my business and quite frankly, I could care less lol. To each their own. If you want to show the world your life and your love, go ahead. If you don't care about evil eye, then go ahead. Things may seem happy-go-lucky now, but things are never permanent and this fleeting life is only temporary. This is what I remind myself every day.

That is why I deleted SnapChat and I will only download Instagram from time to time to share my blog update and check out some accounts here and there. It just became too much of a fitnah for me because it made me feel unappreciative of the things that I have. The smallest of blessings could be the biggest to others yet whenever I would see other people's "blessings" it made me feel self pity and that my life was so boring. AstughfurAllah !

Like, let's be real, though, if you were really happy with your life, why share it? Happiness is a sacred feeling and it deserves to be kept safe and hidden from other envious eyes. The more happy you think you are because you are sharing your personal life with a bunch of random strangers, the less special those moments become. I remember when I used to post things on Snap Chat, instead of actually enjoying the moment, I would think to myself, "I better get a photo of this and show everyone this exciting moment!" Trying to capture the moment so I could share it with others and show everyone how "exciting" my life is. I mean, there were points where I would actually take videos and photos of things I was doing because I wanted to share the life in Toronto and what kind of things there are to do here, but eventually it turned into mainly just posting so I could show people that I wasn't a complete loser and had a life. lol. I wonder how many people share the same reality?

I guess we need to be honest with ourselves. We need to ask ourselves, what is the purpose of me sharing my life online? Is it to benefit others? Is it to make them feel happy? Sad? Jealous? What is in it for me? Will I get reward for posting my daily activities online? Will my posts invite envy to me and my family? Or will everything I post be against me on the Day of Judgement?!

It is hard to think about these things deeply at the time when we take the photo and upload it. We are not really thinking about whether or not it will be beneficial or harmful. We are just living the moment and we are excited to share with the world our lives! I totally understand that because when I was active on social media, I didn't really think twice.

But.....
Let me tell you from the side of a person who watches other people's snaps and who browses other people's Instagram accounts. I guess it depends on what someone posts and the context they are posting it in. Sometimes I feel happy. You know, happy for those who experience joy after they have been through hardships; it allows me to have hope with my situation and gives me a sense of satisfaction knowing at least somewhere, someone has received their ease. When people posts photos with a meaningful caption allowing the followers to understand their journey and where they came from, I can't help but hit that 'like' button. Those who post for a reason, hoping to reach out to others by sharing their experiences in life, well, these people I can genuinely feel happy for. On the other hand, there are just some posts that add no value to my life. There are some posts that are made to make you feel miserable about your own life and there are some posts that are made to make you feel ungrateful. This is the reality of social media and if you are thinking that you don't react this way then  good for you - masha'Allah. But let me tell you, majority of people who creep on social media react exactly the way I have mentioned.

At first, you can approach social media with an open mind and an open heart but as you begin to go on it more and more, you become addicted and overwhelmed and you see that everyone has the things you don't have and then it gets to you. Then eventually, you cave in. I can't speak for everyone, but for myself, I know that it makes me feel ungrateful and it makes me feel like I need to prove to people that I am somebody I am not. I need to show the world that I am happy even though I am crying inside from pain. I feel like I need to tell the world that I am OK but in reality, the only person who I need to tell that I am OK, is myself.

Social media, to me, is deception and lies. Somebody can be sharing the most exciting life or their account can be flooded with beneficial Islamic reminders, yet we do not really know who the person is behind the device. Of course, there are exceptions here and there but the general population probably is somebody they are not who they say they are.

Sharing your life with a selected few close friends and family is understandable and I truly believe those individuals are doing it to keep their family updated and to share precious moments with loved ones. But when I see people sharing their entire life story from A.M to P.M with completely random strangers, I wonder what is the purpose of this? I have seen some sisters who share their family on social media and I try to understand maybe from her point of view she wants everyone to know that you can be a niqabi and have a happy family and be free from oppression? But then I think, but why do you need the whole world to know by putting you and your family in danger? I mean I can sit here all day and wonder this and that but in the end, I will never know and only Allah can judge and He knows best. I would even like to say it is none of my business, but it really does become MY business when someone chooses to share their intimate family life to the public. Right?

The point of this post is to basically let people know why I hate social media and why I refuse to use it to share my life with friends let alone random strangers. It is not for me and if it is for you and it makes you feel happy, then alhamdulillah - you do you . Social media, to me, makes me depressed and I feel like it is so pointless because all it is is some kind of social competition to show that I have this and you don't. It makes me always want more and it makes me ungrateful for the things that I already have. And if you are already in a weakened state of emaan, it will just bring you further down. I still have bad habits and download Snap Chat and Instagram to see what is going on with people's lives but I limit myself now and every time I see their posts, it is always the same things and nothing has ever changed. It is entertaining, though. I guess that is why I still check in from time to time lol because it has become nothing but mere entertainment for me now.

Do we want to live our lives entertaining others? Why make our lives some spectacle for thousands to see? I guess at the end of the day before you share your life and post about you cooking your husband a low carb gluten-free, vegan dinner, or your Starbucks order ask yourself if you are doing it to benefit others? Or are you doing it to entertain others because you are so bored and unhappy with your life? Do you need to show others your happiness in order for yourself to accept your own happiness? Is that what true happiness is ?

Be honest with yourself and figure out the answer and you will be surprised.
#micdrop

Household Chores Are From The Sunnah Noble Shaykh Muhammad Bin Saalih Al- 'Uthaymeen رحمه الله said ; ❝When a person is at home then it is from the Sunnah, that for example he makes his own tea, cooks if he knows how to and washes up that which needs washing, all of this is from the Sunnah. If you do this then you get the reward of following the Sunnah, with imitating the Messenger [ﷺ] and in humbling yourself for Allaah - the Mighty and Majestic. This also brings about love between you and your wife. When your family sense that you help them in their chores they will love you and your value to them will increase, therefore, this will end up being a great benefit.❞ [Sharh Riyadh As-Saaliheen, (3/529) | Translated By 'Abbaas Abu Yahya Miraath Al-Anbiyya]

(side note: All posts are not recently written. They were written according to how I was feeling in the present moment I wrote them. I just write and then post each one in the order in which they were written at the time- and I know we are in 2018, thanks.)


In my "Chapters" series, I have been sharing my experiences and thoughts with not only myself but also to my online readers (whoever is actually reading- lol.) I have been writing a lot about my struggles and my not-yet triumphs with life. It has given me comfort and helped me find solitude. Alhamdulillah.

It is safe to say that since I have started this blog, I have hit rock bottom many times. My most difficult struggles started back in 2014 and continue up until present day 2017. I took long breaks in between blogging because I thought that would help me figure things out and also because I thought I had nothing to write about because I was going through hardships. I thought that my silence would help me deal with life.

I guess through those hardships, I realised that I do in fact, have everything to write about and it is something that gives me relief. I remember in 2014 I suffered from severe anxiety and panic attacks and writing helped me in many ways I never thought it would. Writing is something wonderful and I encourage everyone to open up a blank page and just write. Write to yourself, to Allah, or to the world. It doesn't have to be structured, it can have all the spelling and grammar mistakes possible, and it doesn't even have to make any sense so long as you write. Writing can give you more release than you can imagine. It allows you to organize your thoughts even if it looks like a beautiful chaos in front of your eyes. Sometimes we just need a little relief in our lives. Duaa comes first, no doubt and after that, writing can really help you channel your thoughts and feelings and give you a sense of comfort and solace.

My rock bottom lead me to write and through that writing, it allowed me to see things in a different light. I opened up my own eyes to different possibilities and different outlooks. My rock bottom lead me to focus on the present moment. My rock bottom continues to lead me closer to Allah. My rock bottom allowed me to realise that I am human, I make mistakes, and I stumble.

Though sometimes I don't feel close to Allah at all, I recognize that all this hardship is allowing me to learn about myself and who I am as a Muslim woman. It is an ongoing journey that allows me to discover new things about myself and about my life. Even though my external environment has not changed, I slowly feel like my inner self is taking on new shapes and forms. Although many times I slip and fall and wish that I can just stay lying on that cold, wet floor, I force myself to get back up with the help of Allah.

I still battle with myself, though.
Every. Single. Day.

Some days I feel like I have life all figured out, and other days I feel like I am back to ground zero, running away from reality, slipping and falling on that cold, wet floor.

I struggle to stay patient and positive and I sometimes think that this is the forever outcome of my life. Hard to stay positive when life has been so stagnant for a long time. Hard to stay positive when everyone around you moves forward with life and you are still standing still. Hard to accept your decree with a content heart. Hard to stay focused and keep going. Everything becomes hard when you have hit your rock bottom. This is life. Whether we like it or not, life is not meant for us to sit, settle, and enjoy permanently.

My rock bottom brought me to places I never knew existed. It was dark, it was weird, it was raw. I can still remember it because it is just a matter of time until I reach that place again. This is life. But at least when I reach my rock bottom again, I will be better prepared. I will look back on this post and remember that this journey is meant to not be a perfect one. I will remember that I was once here before and even though I hated every single second of it, I came out better, I came out stronger, and I learned more about myself than I ever would have had I never gone through any hardships and hit rock bottom.

A lot of the times, rock bottom to us is somewhere we live our lives trying to avoid. When someone has hit rock bottom, we often think "oh poor her.." or "oh that sucks, good thing I'm not in her position!" but because I have hit rock bottom one too many times, I have began to see the beautiful light that Allah has promised. Sometimes relief does not have to be a tangible or dunya related thing. Relief could come from within; it could be spiritual, mental, and emotional. I thought that relief meant that I would be physically removed from my situation and given something better. Sure, that is one form of relief but then I think to myself, no matter where I could be, there will always be circumstances that will not be in my favour, because things NEVER go the way I want them to.  So what makes the most sense is to find that balance within. Knowing that no matter what you do or where you go in life, things will never be perfect and there will always be things that go against your wishes. Those things we can't control, but what we can control is what we feel within. We have full control over how we react, how we handle our life, and how we deal with things. When you can achieve this, then you will have life in your hands.

Of course, I'm still trying to figure this all out and trying to accept this concept.
Sometimes I fear for the next time I will be met with my rock bottom again. Nobody likes to be faced with a place that exposes our vulnerability and weaknesses; a place where our deepest emotions emerge and our negative thoughts take over. But there is nothing wrong with feeling vulnerable and weak because after all, the human being was created weak and vulnerable. We cannot hide from what we truly are. The more we run away from this, the more we will end up disappointing ourselves.

Accept your rock bottom, live in it for a little while, explore it, get acquainted with it and use that vulnerability to climb back up into the reality of  this life. The first few times may seem heavy and hard, but after awhile, you will realise that your rock bottom has turned your weaknesses into strengths and you will understand that hardships and struggles can be a beautiful thing because they shape us into who we are and who we will become, insha' Allah. The ease you find within is much greater than the ease you can find around you in tangible forms. Our environment we live in will always change and things will never go the way we want them to. The storm around us should not bring down who we are inside and who we are inside is the very same one who will take you to that eternal happy abode, Jannah , insha'Allah.

Just taking a random break from blogging about my boring life's struggles *lol* to share with you something quite amazing! One of my close friends shared with me this link and told me how accurate it was to best describing my personality. I was a bit curious as to what she would attribute me with to this video. I watched a little, then I continued to watch more and then I finished the nearly 12 minute video. WOW!!! Insanely accurate. I think this video did a better job in summing up my personality in 12 minutes than I could in a one hour interview! Minus the bars and clubs thing...I would definitely say this is verbatim of my whole life's story *lol*

So I decided to take a browse around my blog (and I encourage you to as well, it is free of charge!) and take a look at some older posts that I wrote. To my surprise, I noticed that for the past four years there has been a reoccurring theme where I speak about my emaan, my hardships that affect my emaan, and me being in a physical environment that is not in my favour. It is kind of funny to read back and see myself speaking about the same things I am blogging about currently. I guess it is a re-occurring theme?

The reason why I wanted to point this out was that it reminds me again and again that life will NEVER go the way I want it to nor go the way I expect it to! I was in KY, a place I physically, absolutely detested and still I was going through struggles and hardships - externally and internally. Now I am back home in my beautiful country yet I find myself in a circumstance which if I had a chance to choose, would definitely not choose it at all!

That brings me back to remembering what Islam is all about. How even if the external circumstances are not befitting to you, you must be content and pleased with what Allah has given you and to connect with your inner self. Finding that richness deep within instead of looking for it around you.
“Wealth is not in having many possessions. Rather, true wealth is the richness of the soul.”Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 6081, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1051.This is such a simple yet deep reminder.

I always think that success in life is determined by how many children you have, having a successful career and living somewhere where you love with loved ones. I think perhaps all this time I have been missing the point because I allowed and continue to allow my external circumstances affect my well-being and emaan. Not to say, though, that your external circumstances do not have a role to play on you internal centre because it definitely does. Your external circumstances can really affect you in ways you can never imagine. Many individuals including myself can't find peace of mind in an environment that is unfamiliar or makes us uncomfortable. I am still struggling and to be honest, I really don't think I will find peace of mind until I remove myself from this environment, but at least I can strive to find a balance where I can tolerate my circumstances and try to exercise sabr.

Since my external environment is not somewhere I really wish to be, I try to do what I can and make it work. Many times I have failed and that is normal because again, I am only a human being and I can't expect myself to be in a good mood 24/7. I know a lot of us wish that things would go our way because it is just easier. When we can have what we want, live where we want to live and do the things we want to do, it is just easier.

Things are just easier when we don't have to strive and struggle. But then we would never learn, right? How else can we get to Jannah if we don't go through hardships and be put through situations and circumstances that we really don't want to be put in? Even non Muslims have to go through struggles and tests to get to where they are today! So many successful non-Muslims have struggled and suffered and then they attained what they were striving for, the success in the dunya. Allah gives us whatever we strive for. If we want the dunya, He will give it to us and if we want  the akhirah, He will give it to us. I guess it all comes down to priorities and how much we are willing to struggle in the way of Allah.

“The dunya is a prison for the believer and Paradise for the disbeliever,”[Sahih Muslim, vol.4, #7058] 
I am really starting to understand this hadith because I truly feel this way. The dunya really does not have anything good to offer. It is full of let downs and disappointments. I continue to struggle to remind myself that this dunya is only temporary and I shouldn't focus all my efforts and pain on this life. It is not my friend and it will always deceive me. It is so easy to drown yourself in this life with worries and problems which will be the least of our concerns on the Day of Judgment!

Day to day, I still struggle to accept that this life is not what I had in mind. All the tests and trials I go through are only to remind me not to settle comfortably in this life. All the tests and trials are made to remind me that I have to push and strive until the very end. But it is so hard.

Sometimes I just want to give up and submit to my desires and forget about everything I have been working towards. That instant gratification that seems so tempting and so easy. It is so easy to let your desires run like a wild horse. It is so easy to just give up because everyone else around you is living happily fulfilling their own desires. Their lives seem so exciting, fresh and lively! Everything seems so picture perfect. But are they really happy and satisfied with this fleeting life?

Then I think back to the days of my pre-Islamic life. Was I happy when I used to submit to my desires and chase the dunya life? Did I ever find satisfaction from doing this or that? Did my life really feel complete when I would accomplish x-y-z? The answer is No. Not at all. Anytime I accomplished something, I wanted something else. I wanted more. I was never satisfied and I always wanted something else, something new, something better. Even if it was unrealistic and unattainable, I would try to attain it. That is the reality of this life. You will always try to chase SOMETHING. The dunya is meant to make us greedy and unsatisfied. That is why it is such a temporary place. Once you attain something, you want something else and the vicious cycle continues. Your happiness is always termporary. It will never leave us fully satisfied because this is not the place for that.

I can't even begin to express how deceived I feel by this worldly life. It is not something I want to befriend and it is definitely not something I want to trust. Up until this point in my life, I have been deceived over and over and I have been left disappointed. Anytime we want to blame Allah for our hardships and struggles and trials, remember that it is not Allah who we are to blame but we need to remember that this is the reality of the dunya. This dunya is the external environment that we need to survive in and the only way we can do that is to keep our internal self satisfied with Islam as our religion and Allah as our Lord and Muhammad (sallalahu aleyhi wasselem) as the last and final messenger.

When we figure out how to live with this in our hearts, then truly we will have succeeded and that inner richness will help us strive until the very end. But getting there is not an easy task. It will take many moments of defeat, hopelessness, and helplessness. Surely we believe in our hearts and tongues that Islam is our religion, Allah is our Lord and Muhammad (sallalahu aleyhi wasselam) is our last and final messenger BUT when we are faced with trials and adversities, sometimes we forget.

We forget that Allah put us in the hardship in the first place to reward us and to cleanse us from our many sins. We forget that Allah is the one who will help us out and through the struggles as long as we call upon Him over and over. We forget that Islam is a religion to guide us through this life with peace and determination. We forget that prophet Muhammad (sallalahu aleyhi wasselam) endured so much pain, suffering and hardship for us ! Wow, even I forget all these things sometimes.

It is so important to keep making duaa even when you have nothing left in you. I have struggled with this so many times when I just wanted to give up on making duaa- even to this day, as I write this, I sometimes feel like "what's the point though?" But then I remember, no, there is a point to all this. Duaa is a form of worship and it is my string to hope and my way to Allah. Thus I must continue to push, shove, climb and strive my way to Him, even when everything around me wants to bring me down. 

Today I am feeling emotional. I have been for a few days now and whenever I feel this way, I always wonder what has changed in my routine for me to feel this way.

Sometimes I have really good weeks, and even months! Other weeks and months are not so good. I think I am having another one of those weeks/months.  I am aware of the patterns, though. I know when I don't focus on my external situation so much and I concentrate on my inner realm, I feel better. Over and over I remember that striving to strive within, will only benefit me in all circumstances.

I feel really emotional. I feel negative. I feel weak. I am struggling. Again. 

I think back to my life in the USA and all the many trials that came along with it. It weakened me to the point that I felt humbled. I thought I had life all figured out, you know? I thought that I knew how to handle life and all the things that came my way. But I guess I was wrong.
I think about all the moments I slipped and fell, not wanting to get up. I remember these moments very well. I think about all those times where I really thought I could move forward no more, yet somehow, I found it in me to inch a little further.

Through all these tests, Allah has truly been with me. He could have easily left me to go astray (may Allah always protect me and all of us from that Ameen!) but He continued to guide me. Though reciting al-Fatiha five times a day may not always sink deeper than my tongue, I know that there would be no other place I rather be on than the siratul mustaqeem- hey that kinda rhythms?  Even though there are times I don't feel that Allah has been with me, if I just open my eyes, ears, and heart a little more, it is obvious that Allah is with me.

Constantly, I am fighting.
I struggle to strive.
Some days I just feel so unbelievably irritated, so much so that I just want to crawl into bed and leave the world behind me. Other days I feel like I am on top of the world and I can conquer anything that comes my way. I guess it makes sense since I AM only human.
The struggle is real and it ain't just a #hashtag.

I share this because I want everyone who reads this to know that everything you see on social media whether it be Instagram, Facebook, , Youtube or Snapchat is not always rainbows and sunshine. I find it awfully deceiving for almost every Instagram account to be sharing the happiest moments as if all they know is travelling, shopping, looking into their spouse's eyes all starry eyed and showing their child always laughing and peaceful!

In my last post about being an only child, I didn't just talk about the benefits of being an only child, but I mentioned the importance of being true to oneself. I feel like being on social media  automatically gives us this entitlement to show our lives in a heavily, unhealthy distorted way; the way how others perceive life to be perfect and the way they all make it seem like this dunya IS worth chasing is definitely far from reality. Not only do these individuals fool others, but they are essentially lying to themselves. As soon as something hard hits them or they are faced with adversity, they don't know how to handle life because all they imagined is that life should be all fun and games. "Living the life" is something far from reality and we do not hear enough about "handling life".

Often we are too busy "living life" yet we don't even know how to handle this life! We put all our hopes and expectations into something that is only a mirage. I need to write this post mainly as a reminder to myself. Over and over, I keep having these high expectations of this or that. Over and over I have been humbled by doors closing, sometimes slamming in my face. As soon I realize that I put too much importance and emphasis into the dunya and forgetting my akhirah, Allah sets me straight. I am tested with things that really poke at my patience. I am tested with things that question my tawakkul and I am tested with things that feed my ego. Today, things are blurry and things are grey.

This journey is so difficult and sometimes I wonder what is the point of all this! I know the path I have taken is meant to show me many sides of "me" that I have never seen before. I know that the path to guidance is not an easy one. Under all the darkness of life's lessons, I know there must be light and freedom. I continue to search, I continue to struggle, I continue to feel the burdens heavily on my shoulders weighing me down.
I let out a big *sigh* and keep going...
Today is a new day.

People are moving on with their lives yet I am still at a standstill. Sometimes this makes me feel sad and other times it makes me dig a little deeper into my realm of existence. As people are busy with the external aspects of life, I am busy with my internal aspects of life. All this time has allowed me to figure out who I am not only as a Muslimah, but as a human being.

 I guess I can say that all this time alone has given me the opportunity to really understand and learn what it is like to live life as a Muslimah. I feel like if I started a family early on and lived that "family life" like everyone else, I would have been too caught up with my external surroundings and totally would have neglected my Self- wa Allahu 'Alim.

I think being an only child has really helped me connect with My Self. It has forced me to become very introspective and because I always had/have time alone, it has allowed me to get in touch with myself. It has allowed me to reflect and respond to my inner cries, my inner struggles, and my inner aspirations.

Growing up, I was always very social. I enjoyed interacting with others and I always thought going out with friends or going to family gatherings was something exciting. At that time, being alone was something boring to me and I would romanticize the idea of being busy running around from point A to B meeting X, Y, and Z. Just thinking about that in my head right now makes me feel exhausted!
In high school I always envied the busy bodies and I always wanted to have a very active social life. I couldn't because I lived too far away from my school and my parents were quite overprotective. So when I was more independent, I went all out and made myself into that socialite that I longed to become.

That life was so exhausting. People became exhausting to me and I began to embrace that low key life I once had in high school. How funny is it that when I had what I wanted, I didn't want it anymore?! I was all partied out and I preferred to just spend my time with one or two friends doing something that required very minimal effort. I didn't like big groups of people and even though I could socialize and people often mistook me for an extroverted social butterfly, I actually preferred to stay home and be away from annoying humans. I just recently found out that this is what we call "introverted."

When I first became Muslim, I somehow forgot that I was a natural introvert because all I wanted to do was meet new Muslims. I thought that going to social gatherings was something that I really enjoyed doing. It turns out, after a while, I retracted back into my introvert shell.

Since I have been back in Toronto, I have embraced that fact that I am an introvert. Loud people annoy me, big groups overwhelm me, and long hours of being out exhaust me. I prefer to be at home in my room and keeping to myself. I don't have to answer to anybody (except my parents lol) and I can do whatever I want, whenever I want and nobody can bother me (unless I allow them to). I am an introvert and I am proud to be one.

Being an introvert has many beautiful benefits and it is only these past (almost) two years that I have realized what a blessing it is to just enjoy your own company, without all the outside noise (well literally in my parent's place there is a lot of noise but I have learned to drown it out). When you can just sit and think about life and reflect upon yourself and your actions, it really allows one for self growth.

At first I thought that spending too much time by myself and being "idle" would make me more depressed because I would focus only on the negative aspects of my life.
For a long while, this is exactly what happened and I would drown myself in my own self misery. I would compare myself to other's lives and feel sorry for my own "boring", "lonely" life. Of course, I am not free from that still (lol) as I am a human being so weak by nature that it is only normal that I will retract into this from time to time, but Alhamdulillah, Allah has helped me along the way and allowed me to see the benefit in being alone.

I now realise that being an only child has really benefited me in more ways than I can imagine. It has allowed me to realise that I can turn loneliness into solitude. Solitude for me has become solace. It has allowed me to hold myself accountable for my actions. It has allowed me to reflect upon life. It has allowed me to embrace and enjoy my own company. It has made me realise that at the end of the day, I will return to Allah alone. Nobody will be in that grave with me and nobody will be standing beside me on the Day of Reckoning. It will just be me, myself, and I with my Lord.

Alhamdulillah, by the Mercy of Allah, I have found the advantages and full benefits of being an only child and they all work in my favour - Allahumma Barik. Of course there are sometimes disadvantages because I can easily detach myself from others and because I seem to put my needs before anyone else, I may come off as selfish or self-centered. But to be honest, I feel like we all need to treat ourselves sometimes like we are only children (even when we are not) because it is only then when we focus on ourselves and keep ourselves in check that we can live an effective life as a Muslim.

Don't get me wrong, though, I do wish sometimes that I had a big family and children of my own because as busy as that kind of life can get, it does have its rewards and benefits as well. But because this is what Allah has given me, and even though I saw it as a negative thing for a long while, I have come to embrace it and accept it thanks to Allah. Through the pain, the tears and the sadness that I experienced by myself, Allah allowed me to see the benefits of being in the current situation that I am in.

I always had low self- esteem and self confidence issues because I thought acceptance comes from other people and from my external environment. But as I spend more time alone, I realise that, as cliche as it sounds, acceptance comes from within. When you accept who you are, that is when you are able to make the necessary adjustments you need in order to be a better Muslimah. Often times we think that we have to become better for the people around us but when we do that, we will only end up in failure. When we know ourselves, then we can get to know Allah and once we know Allah we can be a better sister, daughter, mother, wife, and friend. We cannot know Allah before we get to know ourselves because if you think about it, it was only through me knowing myself that I was able to open myself up to knowing Allah and finding Islam and knowing it was the true religion; I knew my life was empty, I knew the parties and drinking were destroying me, and I knew that there was something more to life. It was because I knew these things about myself that brought me to Allah and Islam.

Sometimes we just need to connect with ourselves by ourselves for ourselves because at the end of the day, nobody will do that for us. Using the excuses I once used to use, " I don't have a strong Muslim community near me", "there are no good Muslims around me", " I live in a non Muslim country" are not sufficient enough. Do you see the way the prophets used to struggle when all there were were non Muslims around? They did not live in the luxury of many Muslims at the beginning of their journeys of spreading Islam! Our connection with Allah does not rely on the people around us because as I mentioned, on the day of Judgement, we will be alone before Allah and in the grave, we will also be alone. Who can we rely on then?

Every time I write these posts I want to remind you all that I DO struggle, I DO cry, I DO feel sad and I DO fall into despair.
Sometimes it may read as if I have everything all figured out and that I got it together. That is not the case at all. I struggle each and every single day. Even as I write this, my emaan is struggling. I do not want you to think that I am some strong Muslimah who has the best relationship with Allah.
The only reason I write is because it makes me feel better and it helps me organize my thoughts. I write because I want others to know that my situation has forced me to dig deeper within and to try to find coping methods so I don't wallow in self pity. It has forced me to look at the positive aspects of my life even though many times I feel like there are none.

I feel it is important that I express this because a lot of the times, when we read people's blogs or we are on social media, we think that the person behind the screen is someone who does not struggle or go through hardships. We think that they are some pious person who knows how to deal with life. Well, that is not me and I don't ever want anyone thinking that is how I deal with life. You do not see what goes on behind this screen and you do not know what kind of challenges I have to face. So whenever you read any of my posts, please take it at a surface level. If you can benefit from it or it makes you reflect upon your own life, then alhamdulillah- ultimately this is my goal.

I wish that everyone who reads my posts will always be honest with themselves and ask themselves the same questions that I have been forced to ask myself during these challenging times. Do not wait until it is too late and do not keep making excuses for yourself because at the end of the day, your life will pass you by before you know it and as soon as your busy life slows down, you might be hit all of a sudden with all these things you never thought deserved any attention. When that happens, it may break you and you may not know how to deal with your life. That has happened too many times to the people around me and because they neglected themselves for so long, they fall into severe depression. Do not let yourself get to that point. Always try to find time to reflect and be alone with yourself even if it is for 20 minutes a day. Hold yourself accountable and be responsible for your relationship with yourself and with Allah.

Annoying people exist. They are everywhere and they come in different shapes and sizes. They can be people you meet for only a minute or they can be living under the same roof as you. Annoying people exist and they are as real as it gets.

I am an only child so I have always been used to spending a lot of time by myself. When I was young I used to enjoy being social and making a lot of new friends. I was never a cliquey person because I liked to have different groups of friends. Different groups of friends meant diversity and I liked (still do ) diversity. I never liked boring. I was like this up until my adult life until shortly after I became Muslim. When I first became Muslim, I wanted to meet as many sisters as I could and I became super social and wanted to attend gatherings. The revert-zeal I guess you could call it. But then things changed and socializing became exhausting.

Lately, I had an epiphany and realised though I may be a sociable being who is outgoing, at the end of the day I prefer to be alone. I am a sociable, outgoing introvert. Is that an oxymoron?

In Islam, good character, and manners are the keys to success in this life and the next. The importance of good etiquette and good manners is something highly valued in Islam. 

Growing up, I never really had good character or manners because the household that I am currently living in, never really showed me otherwise. Though I was told to have good manners, I was never shown good character and manners. There is a big difference between the two, especially if you are young and impressionable and vulnerable to your surroundings. You are basically copycatting what you see around you! So I just copied what I saw and called it a day. I was not born with good character and so this has been something I have been working hard on to improve. Especially now being around my family, I feel like I have to work even harder to not fall back into the way I once was!

I have struggled to try my best to tolerate and accept annoying people and try to put myself in their shoes. I think to myself, " maybe they are annoying for a good reason! "  It usually has a lot to do with upbringing and lack of confidence or TOO MUCH confidence. I guess parents have a lot to do with why a person is a certain way or why they aren't a certain way right? Afterall, look at me!

Then I think to myself, what if I am annoying and I just don't know it? What if what I see in others, others see in me (and don't take this the wrong way as in I don't exercise husnl dhun lol) ? Well, I guess that is why I prefer to be an observationalist rather than to be that overbearing individual who doesn't let anybody speak or who has to rebuke anything and everything someone says! Or those who seem to always talk about nothing else but themselves and anytime they ask you a question, and you answer, they totally disregard what you say and then talk about themselves. Or the super sarcastic individual who (enter sarcastic joke that is out of context and makes no sense -here) makes some comment and you are just thinking to yourself "HUH??". Oh, and don't forget the judgemental type! You can't eat or sleep without being judged. And those who meddle in your business and make you feel awkward. Or those who are way too open and speak everything on their mind and tell you flaws about yourself that you never asked them to bring up - thanks a lot.

I mean, I am sure I fall into these categories of annoying people from time to time and it is always important to reflect upon my own actions and hold myself accountable and ask myself, " was I annoying today? Was I being that overbearing controlling conversationalist who wouldn't let anyone speak and I only talked about myself?" I am sure I have been THAT  person on several occasions and when I think about it, I think to myself "ew." and head back to the drawing board and figure out what it is I need to work on.

I guess that is why I have become such an introvert and prefer to be alone. It gives me time to reflect. Even though the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The believer who mixes with people and patiently bears their annoyance will have a greater reward than the believer who does not mix with people and patiently bears their annoyance” (Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 2035), I prefer to be alone because I enjoy quiet and too much noise around exhausts me. Don't get me wrong, as I mentioned before, I do like to socialise and I am considered outgoing, but at the end of the day, I do prefer to just relax in my room and engage in some hobbies that allow me to enjoy time with myself. I think it is important that we all take the time to ourselves and reflect upon who we are today and who we want to be at the end of the day. We focus too much on others but we really need to focus on ourselves and make it a point to work on our character and manners. 

My honest review for my abayat from Tasnim Collections is long overdue! I have two from Tasnim that are pretty much my go-to for daily wear. I have one in the Grape Burgundy and Dark Teal and both are lightweight material. I also had a batwing one which I gave to my friend because I couldn't stand the hiking up of the sides every time I wore a jacket/coat or a cross over shoulder bag. It really annoyed me and I couldn't roll the sleeves up to make wudhu! If you don't care about all those things then go for it! But the batwing abayas are NOT for me. I have not tried the medium weight material but the light weight material works best for me. It is flowy and breathable and the material is very good quality.

I am able to throw it in the wash as often as I like AND I can put it in the dryer without any pilling, snagging or shrinkage. Compared to other online places I have purchsed from, the material of my Tasnim abayat seems to be quite durable. I also LOVE the pockets ! This style of abaya is thrown over the head and then there is a zipper in the middle that starts maybe about mid chest level. I do suggest that the zipper could zip up a little lower from the neck because I always find the neckline riding up too high on my neck when zipped (lol). Also, I would recommend that the sleeves have some sort of controlled lycra/spandex cuff because sometimes the wrist part will ride up exposing some of my wrists. It IS wudu friendly, though (depending which abaya you get). I had a batwing abaya from Tasnim back in 2013 and the wrist part was cuffed but not with an elastic material so making wudu WAS a problem because the sleeves could not roll up. Not sure if they fixed the issue but I do recommend that they look into that.

I have also a black long hijab from Tasnim and so far the material is lightweight and has not snagged ( I don't know what will happen if I wash it- I usually wash my hijabs in a pillow case because let's be real, who has time to handwash all our hijabs?) I love the coverage and length of the hijab! It is very flowy and does not feel slippery.

I highly recommend Tasnim Collections as one of my top go-to places for modest wear. Every time I wear my abaya I have gotten at least one person asking me where I got my abaya!

Below are the PROS and CONS as well as a picture of the abaya I currently have and the description and measurements from their website. I really hope to try the Khadijah jilbab someday, the only thing stopping me right now is paying $40 for shipping and shipping time can take up to 3-6 weeks. The tailor takes 7-20 days to finish the product and then an additional 3-15 days for shipping (of course this all depends on where you live). BUT I do love how it is handmade from Morocco, so you KNOW you are getting your garment made with care and attention.

If they can have some sort of incentive deals like, buy 1 get the other 50% then I will consider paying for shipping. Other than that, the items are affordable and very good quality and very durable. Oh and something definitely worth mentioning is GREAT customer service. The sister who is the owner of Tasnim is very kind and accommodating! I remember when my batwing abaya was too transparent for my standards, she offered to send me an abaya free of charge. She will try her best to cater to your needs and she is also very honest and humble. May Allah bless her and make her better than I think of her ameen!

PROS
- lightweight
- durable (can be washed and put in the dryer)
- no pilling or snagging
- many different colours, a nice variety
- pockets
- perfect length
- handmade from Morocco
- great customer service

CONS
- the elastic on the wrist is too loose
- I would like the XL to fit like an XXL
- the zipper is too close to my neck, could be longer and lower
- though items are affordable, shipping is expensive because it is based on weight so it all adds up once you check-out
- the batwing abaya you CAN'T wear a coat or a cross over shoulder bag because the abaya will hike up and show your ankles.
-I'm not a fan of the batwing abaya and you can't roll the sleeves up to make wudu

So many things to ponder. So many things to wonder.

I often wonder a lot about the wisdom behind all this. I really wonder what Allah is setting me up for in the near future. Not knowing the unseen can seem to be very frustrating and can cause a  lot of anxiety but I guess this is the hit or miss lesson where we either learn how to gain tawwakul (reliance and trust upon Allah) or we fail and end up wallowing in our self-pity and missing the whole point of the tests and trials of life. The latter was me for quite some time. It took me a while to get out of my self-pity and to be honest, sometimes I still fall into it. I guess it is part of being a human being right? We always want to take the easier way out and being negative is just easier than fighting to stay positive.

I know that one day I may realize and know the wisdom behind Allah's tests and trials that He has put me through/in. But it is so hard to fit all the pieces together when you are in a situation that is not in your favour. My vision becomes blurry and my judgment becomes clouded. Sometimes I think the angels do not surround me often when I am living here because of all the photographs, the idols, and all the shirk thus I hide myself in my room (the only place with no pictures or statues lol)  as much as I can and limit my interaction with my parents because it is the only way to keep the home in a neutral position. I can't deny that I do feel negative vibes around me often and it is obvious that there are many shayateen around my parent's place. The reasons are obvious and I know I could blame my external situation for my internal peace but I decided that I can't do that. I know that I am responsible for my own self and my own actions. If I am not feeling positive, it is because of my deficiencies and weaknesses. As much as I would love to blame my physical surroundings for my mental state of mind (and know that I am guilty many times for this) , I know that I need to dig deeper into my heart and find that inner peace which can bring me solace.

Don't get me wrong, however, I do allow myself to get into these phases where I become straight up sad and extremely discouraged with life. I allow myself to get to the deepest and darkest realm of these negative feelings because it helps me realise that not only am I human, but also it reminds me just how temporary this dunya truly is. It serves as a reminder that I need to really work harder on myself because I am allowing my external situation get the better of me. If I allow this to control my state of mind and my soul, then it means that I am missing the whole point of learning how to understand and practise tawakkul and sabr.

I remember Ibn Taymiyyah (rahimuAllah) and how he was in jail and even though his external circumstances were not ideal, he made the most of it and it became in his favour. He considered being jailed as a blessing because he was able to focus on the deen and subhana'Allah, he became one of the most prominent scholars up until this day! I know that I cannot follow in his footsteps to dedicate my life to studying the religion because I just don't have it in me at the present moment and I remember those days I used to study, study, study Islam and it consumed me and at the end it burnt me out and I left it altogether. I find that being moderate and taking small steps to get to bigger goals works best for me. I realised that I cannot compare myself to those who are greater and as much as they inspire me, I just don't have that drive to want to become like them. I mean, it doesn't mean that I won't make a conscious effort in trying to reach that level (and if Allah wills maybe one day I will benefit others in the deen like how our great scholars have) but that just seems something totally far fetched to me (lol) and I don't have that desire either. #REALTALK.

I think a lot of us need to be honest with ourselves. It is good to set goals for ourselves, realistic goals. I know that I am not the academic type and studying for me is such a chore. I am still on my journey to figuring out what things I enjoy doing and what things I can offer to benefit others in the way of Allah.

I really encourage others to do the same. To discover what kind of gifts and talents Allah has blessed you with so that you can use them in His way and to guide others to the religion using your gifts. I feel like when you are able to do that, no problems of yours will be too big to overcome because you have a fallback. You have something Allah gave you and you can use that to your advantage to help others and to help yourself get over your obstacles. I feel like finding your talent and your gift from Allah is something that can help you when you are going through trials and test. It will take time to figure it all out and it does require a trial and error approach.

Even to this day, I am still trying to figure out what my passions are and how they can bring me happiness and true joy while I can also utilize it for the sake of Allah. I truly believe that using your talents and gifts that Allah has blessed you with for his sake, will truly help you and guide you to goodness and happiness within. I think this is what we need in order to help give us ease during those hardships. There are countless videos and articles online related to treating depression by doing good deeds and helping others. Subhana'Allah this is what the non-Muslims have figured out and studies have proved that this theory works. Can you imagine as a Muslim, we can do what we love in order to please Allah and at the same time it benefits others? And we get rewarded for it and it does not go to waste! This is why it is important to discover that hobby, that passion, that special skill that Allah has given us and use it to our advantage because it is the cure to all sadness!

So many things to learn on this journey to the Akhirah eh? Some day we will realise the wisdom behind what Allah has written for us, and maybe we will never know what was intended behind all our pain, struggles and sufferings in this dunya. As hard as that may be to accept, we have to always remind ourselves about what the purpose of this life truly is. This dunya was never made to make us feel comfortable and settled. It was never meant to make us feel safe and protected. The dunya is only made to test us and show us that all the feelings we have for it, all the attachments we develop for it is only temporary and just how shaytan will abandon us on the day of judgement and so will the dunya. Why should we attach ourselves to something that will leave us?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in the end, Allah is the only one who is with us always- even though we may not feel it at times, He is always with us. He is the only one we should turn to in times of ease and in times of need. I know we are all aware of this because that is what tawheed is, but when we are faced with difficulties and even when there is nothing but ease, trying to remember that Allah is with us can be difficult. Especially when we keep making duaa and increasing in good deeds yet we do not see any results of our duaas being answered! I know exactly how you feel and believe me, it is something that I really struggle with.

It is so easy to get caught up with the life of this world, I often get so caught up with it too that I forget that all this pain and suffering is not in vain and it is all for my own good. All the pain and suffering we go through in this life is nothing compared to that of the Akhirah (may Allah protect us ameen!) and whenever you feel like you can't go on further in life, use that moment of weakness to think about the many gifts and talents that you possess and use them to your advantage and use them to get close to Allah.

I used to sit and wait for life to fall into place, but I realised that life waits for NOBODY! The more I sit and wait around, the more depressed I get. So I decided to start writing again and here I am. Documenting my struggles and my hardships hoping that it can reach out to just a few of you, letting you know that you are not alone with your thoughts or your sadness. Allah is with you, you just have to bear a little more, a little longer and soon, soon you will taste the beautiful sweetness of ease and joy.

I too, am waiting for that day. Until then, keep busy and hold on tight.