(back home)

I have almost been living in Toronto for two whole years now. By the end of this December, it will have been two years. I decided to finally surface since my last written post was in November.

A lot has happened as well as a whole lot of nothing. A whole lot of nothing in terms of I am still living here stuck with my non-Muslim parents and a lot has happened in terms of self-growth and self-realizations. I continue to struggle each and every day with learning about how to live a life as a Muslimah going through trials and hardships. I thought the hardships would subside a little once I got back to Toronto but let me tell you! It has been even harder since I moved back. My faith, trust, and hope in Allah have been tested every single day up until this point as I write. I have fallen into depression, despair, and disappointments over and over. So often that I find myself asking when, when will the help of Allah be near?

Sigh. 

 I know I am not the only one out there who is struggling to keep their head above the waters of the deep Dunya and this is why I am writing. I know somewhere out there, whoever (especially the converts) is reading this, is also going through tests with their faith and are struggling to get through each day. Somewhere out there is someone who is fighting to stay positive and even fulfilling their daily obligations feels heavy. I know I am not the only one. Even though it may seem that everyone I know around me is living happily with their lives and going on their days with ease, deep down they are struggling just as I am. I have learned through these hardships that NOTHING ever goes the way you want it to. Life never goes the way we imagine it to go. I realized how HARD it is to live as a Muslim with non-Muslim parents, especially if you are an only child who has been physically and psychologically abused by their parents at a young age (and still continue to undergo a mild form of psychological abuse).

For as long as I have been here, I have felt nothing but a prisoner who is emotionally and mentally oppressed. Living here has been nothing but exhausting. Subhana'Allah . There have been sporadic months where I have been able to come out of my depressive hole only to find myself going right back into it shortly after. To my convert brothers and sisters, I FEEL YA! I really really feel ya. Especially the dreaded day of Eid. Spending it alone and realizing just how depressing your life really is when you see posts of your friends with their big families enjoying big feasts for days. I know exactly how you feel. Of course, I have had many memorable moments while living here and they mostly happened OUTSIDE of the home. I have been able to truly enjoy my beautiful city with beautiful company but once I go back home, I am back to reality. Anything that happens inside the home is just always accompanied by a dark cloud over my head. I am exhausted and I really wonder when the help of Allah will come.

My emaan has been better since the US but it is always unstable because I find myself falling into sadness and despair quite often. Listen, I know and I keep reminding myself of all the ahadith and Quran verses of how Allah tests those He loves, Allah responds to the caller, Allah loves those who are patient, Jannah is not attained without going through hardship, hardships are an expiation of sins etc.... I am well aware of this and I am sure every other convert who is struggling is well aware of this as well. Being reminded of these things are essential in order to get through our struggles but what we don't understand is, it is easy to be sympathetic to others and offer advice that will only touch the surface but being EMPATHETIC is another story.

For once in my life, I know exactly how converts feel and what they go through. Since I was living away from my non-Muslim parents for nearly 5 years and I was with my husband, at that time, things were easier. Despite the fact I was living in a horrendous disgusting country, it was much easier than it is now.

Now I am full fledged living the life of a convert lol, without my husband and where I struggle daily to hold onto my emaan and to not let the terrible kuffar traits around me get a hold of me and take me down. I struggle to remain positive and I struggle to imagine that one day, just one day, I will be relieved from here and every suffering, every tear, every pain, and sorrow will be worth it. At this point in my life, instead of KNOWING that this will happen, I have only but a tiny glimmer of hope in me that THINKS this will happen. I know the hope should be much greater but I feel defeated at the moment. I know that Allah is with those who are patient, I know Allah is the only one who can help me get through this and out of this. I know that and I am well aware. But when you are thrown into difficult situations, that is when your faith is truly tested and to be able to strongly believe and apply what we know and learn about Allah and Islam is in itself, another test.

Sigh.

 As you read this, remember that  your advice may not resonate with the grieving heart. Your advice may not reach deep within the troubled soul. Your words may be comforting only to the ears but to the heart, they do not feel a thing. Until you show empathy and truly put yourselves in someone else's shoes, your advice will only be taken at a surface level. This is what I have learned and this is what I want to share with anyone who is reading. A lot of sisters who ascribe themselves to the Salafi minhaj believe that their harsh words of "FEAR ALLAH! How can you feel this way?!? " , " If you did this and that you wouldn't feel this way!", or " you only feel this way because your emaan is low" (well OBVIOUSLY our emaan is low or else we wouldn't feel this way!!!) .... these words do not help, in fact, they will only drive a sister away from you and the deen.

Many of us become obsessed with seeking knowledge and trying to spread it and share it but fail to realize that the manners and character of a Muslim are far heavier in the sight of Allah than the knowledge that you seek and do not act upon. As you read this, remember that when someone is going through hardship, they are looking for support. They are looking for someone who can listen to them with non-judgemental ears and for someone to remind them about how temporary the Dunya life is and things WILL and DO get better. Yes we also need to be reminded of our blessings and compare ourselves to those less fortunate, but to be honest, when someone is going through hardship, pain IS pain. Their pain is all they can feel at the moment and it is all they can see. It is very difficult to tell someone who is going through a hardship to look at those around them because all they see is their own blurred vision of reality. So continue to be the listening ear, the supportive shoulder, and the encouraging mouth. Even though it is hard for us who are on the receiving end to believe that things WILL and DO get better, we like to hear the encouragement. Encouragement is good. It is needed.

All the days that I feel alone, all the days that I don't feel like talking to anyone, I find myself forcing it upon me to remember that Allah is with me and Allah will help me. I force myself to remember that this is only a test and like gold, I need to go through an extreme process before I can come out beautiful and strong. Even though at this very moment in my life, I do not feel that anybody is with me, I know these thoughts are from shaytaan....Living in a home full of idols, full of negativity and full of no barakah, it is hard to keep strong and firm.

Afterall, I am only a human.

This post may not have much structure to it and may sound all over the place, but that is exactly where my thoughts are right now. All over the place. I am allowing a more raw side of me come through and I hope that somewhere in the world, someone can benefit from this post and to also know that what you feel... I feel too and at the end of the day, I rather struggle as a Muslim to get through life's lessons than to get through it as a non-Muslim who would only drown her sorrows in alcohol and provocative behavior that will bring her nowhere but into her own demise. That thin string of hope is what eventually threads through the needle creating a strong support for use.

At the end of the day, Alhamdulillah we are Muslim.

It may feel difficult at times and we may feel a loss of hope, despair and deep dark sadness. We are only human beings and it is normal to feel negative emotions. Allow yourself to feel them, allow yourself to deeply feel them. Feel them from the bottom, from the top and from the sides and the little, hidden corners. Feel them and get to know them. This is who you are at this very moment. Accept it and then move on. Move up and move on and try to find that glimmer of hope, that loose thread you are hanging onto and hang on to it a little while longer.

 Keep making dua even though you feel like nothing is being answered. Keep pushing yourself to do a good deed daily even if it is as small as saying a good word to someone. Just keep pushing yourself. Maybe it will be during these moments, finally, just finally Allah will respond to your call and grant you relief. This is what I try to tell myself daily, even though it may be hard to understand and implement at times, you just have to do it. Life doesn't wait for anyone and life will move on without you. You can sit and sulk (which I have done enough times this week lol) or you can keep trying, trying and trying until some day, just some day you will see the fruits of your efforts pay off. It is not easy, but nothing in life is and especially getting to Jannah. Everything comes with a hefty price.

I guess it is up to us to decide where we want to pay our attention to. I know it is easy to say all these encouraging things, but acting upon it is something else. I can tell myself these things every day and every night, but in the moments where your emotions take over, it is another story. But we have to try because if we don't tell ourselves these things, then who will right? We can't constantly have our friends and family by our side giving up pep talks 24/7 - especially since they don't even know how we feel or what we are going through! Nobody is living your life except for you so you just gotta live it to the best of your ability...

Sigh.

 Anyway...to all those who are going through hardships and struggling to hold onto their emaan and deen like me, May Allah grant you ease, happiness and tears of joy and success soon and grant you the highest rank in Jannah. Ameen
This Dunya is an exhausting one and all I wish is that I will be able to look back one day at this post and smile. Smile and think to myself " Subhan Allah wow, I made it through and I can't even believe how much has changed since those days..all praise and thanks is for Allah alone! "  I wish that one day I could look back on this post and it will just be a distant memory.

But until that day, this is me and this is who I am at this very moment.