( #REALTALK )

So many things to ponder. So many things to wonder.

I often wonder a lot about the wisdom behind all this. I really wonder what Allah is setting me up for in the near future. Not knowing the unseen can seem to be very frustrating and can cause a  lot of anxiety but I guess this is the hit or miss lesson where we either learn how to gain tawwakul (reliance and trust upon Allah) or we fail and end up wallowing in our self-pity and missing the whole point of the tests and trials of life. The latter was me for quite some time. It took me a while to get out of my self-pity and to be honest, sometimes I still fall into it. I guess it is part of being a human being right? We always want to take the easier way out and being negative is just easier than fighting to stay positive.

I know that one day I may realize and know the wisdom behind Allah's tests and trials that He has put me through/in. But it is so hard to fit all the pieces together when you are in a situation that is not in your favour. My vision becomes blurry and my judgment becomes clouded. Sometimes I think the angels do not surround me often when I am living here because of all the photographs, the idols, and all the shirk thus I hide myself in my room (the only place with no pictures or statues lol)  as much as I can and limit my interaction with my parents because it is the only way to keep the home in a neutral position. I can't deny that I do feel negative vibes around me often and it is obvious that there are many shayateen around my parent's place. The reasons are obvious and I know I could blame my external situation for my internal peace but I decided that I can't do that. I know that I am responsible for my own self and my own actions. If I am not feeling positive, it is because of my deficiencies and weaknesses. As much as I would love to blame my physical surroundings for my mental state of mind (and know that I am guilty many times for this) , I know that I need to dig deeper into my heart and find that inner peace which can bring me solace.

Don't get me wrong, however, I do allow myself to get into these phases where I become straight up sad and extremely discouraged with life. I allow myself to get to the deepest and darkest realm of these negative feelings because it helps me realise that not only am I human, but also it reminds me just how temporary this dunya truly is. It serves as a reminder that I need to really work harder on myself because I am allowing my external situation get the better of me. If I allow this to control my state of mind and my soul, then it means that I am missing the whole point of learning how to understand and practise tawakkul and sabr.

I remember Ibn Taymiyyah (rahimuAllah) and how he was in jail and even though his external circumstances were not ideal, he made the most of it and it became in his favour. He considered being jailed as a blessing because he was able to focus on the deen and subhana'Allah, he became one of the most prominent scholars up until this day! I know that I cannot follow in his footsteps to dedicate my life to studying the religion because I just don't have it in me at the present moment and I remember those days I used to study, study, study Islam and it consumed me and at the end it burnt me out and I left it altogether. I find that being moderate and taking small steps to get to bigger goals works best for me. I realised that I cannot compare myself to those who are greater and as much as they inspire me, I just don't have that drive to want to become like them. I mean, it doesn't mean that I won't make a conscious effort in trying to reach that level (and if Allah wills maybe one day I will benefit others in the deen like how our great scholars have) but that just seems something totally far fetched to me (lol) and I don't have that desire either. #REALTALK.

I think a lot of us need to be honest with ourselves. It is good to set goals for ourselves, realistic goals. I know that I am not the academic type and studying for me is such a chore. I am still on my journey to figuring out what things I enjoy doing and what things I can offer to benefit others in the way of Allah.

I really encourage others to do the same. To discover what kind of gifts and talents Allah has blessed you with so that you can use them in His way and to guide others to the religion using your gifts. I feel like when you are able to do that, no problems of yours will be too big to overcome because you have a fallback. You have something Allah gave you and you can use that to your advantage to help others and to help yourself get over your obstacles. I feel like finding your talent and your gift from Allah is something that can help you when you are going through trials and test. It will take time to figure it all out and it does require a trial and error approach.

Even to this day, I am still trying to figure out what my passions are and how they can bring me happiness and true joy while I can also utilize it for the sake of Allah. I truly believe that using your talents and gifts that Allah has blessed you with for his sake, will truly help you and guide you to goodness and happiness within. I think this is what we need in order to help give us ease during those hardships. There are countless videos and articles online related to treating depression by doing good deeds and helping others. Subhana'Allah this is what the non-Muslims have figured out and studies have proved that this theory works. Can you imagine as a Muslim, we can do what we love in order to please Allah and at the same time it benefits others? And we get rewarded for it and it does not go to waste! This is why it is important to discover that hobby, that passion, that special skill that Allah has given us and use it to our advantage because it is the cure to all sadness!

So many things to learn on this journey to the Akhirah eh? Some day we will realise the wisdom behind what Allah has written for us, and maybe we will never know what was intended behind all our pain, struggles and sufferings in this dunya. As hard as that may be to accept, we have to always remind ourselves about what the purpose of this life truly is. This dunya was never made to make us feel comfortable and settled. It was never meant to make us feel safe and protected. The dunya is only made to test us and show us that all the feelings we have for it, all the attachments we develop for it is only temporary and just how shaytan will abandon us on the day of judgement and so will the dunya. Why should we attach ourselves to something that will leave us?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in the end, Allah is the only one who is with us always- even though we may not feel it at times, He is always with us. He is the only one we should turn to in times of ease and in times of need. I know we are all aware of this because that is what tawheed is, but when we are faced with difficulties and even when there is nothing but ease, trying to remember that Allah is with us can be difficult. Especially when we keep making duaa and increasing in good deeds yet we do not see any results of our duaas being answered! I know exactly how you feel and believe me, it is something that I really struggle with.

It is so easy to get caught up with the life of this world, I often get so caught up with it too that I forget that all this pain and suffering is not in vain and it is all for my own good. All the pain and suffering we go through in this life is nothing compared to that of the Akhirah (may Allah protect us ameen!) and whenever you feel like you can't go on further in life, use that moment of weakness to think about the many gifts and talents that you possess and use them to your advantage and use them to get close to Allah.

I used to sit and wait for life to fall into place, but I realised that life waits for NOBODY! The more I sit and wait around, the more depressed I get. So I decided to start writing again and here I am. Documenting my struggles and my hardships hoping that it can reach out to just a few of you, letting you know that you are not alone with your thoughts or your sadness. Allah is with you, you just have to bear a little more, a little longer and soon, soon you will taste the beautiful sweetness of ease and joy.

I too, am waiting for that day. Until then, keep busy and hold on tight.