So, I've been browsing through Facebook because it helps me keep up with worldly events and to also see what kind of nonsense is spreading during this time. A consistent theme I have been seeing is that just how many cultural and born Muslims are dependent on their Ramadan social gatherings! Subhana'Allah!

I've been seeing a bunch of these skit reminders and posts where they are reminding (mainly born) Muslims about how there won't be Taraweeh in the masjids and to urge everyone to stay in their homes during Ramadan. This year, it seems that no masjids will be open during Ramadan. That means no iftar, no suhoor, no five daily prayers and no Taraweeh in the masjids (mosques) this Ramadan. Now, while this is something foreign and heartbreaking to many men and even some women, I feel like it's definitely a beautiful lesson for us to all learn.
It is a time for some to realize that Ramadan is actually a month of solitude and serene worship between the creation and their Creator.

I've written countless posts regarding my Ramadan experiences. At the beginning of it all, I was sad and unable to acknowledge the importance of spending Ramadan in solitude. When I first converted, I expected Ramadan to be a family function and I wanted to be a part of that cultural practice. I thought spending Ramadan with a Muslim family where everyone engaged in worship together and spent time reflecting and understanding the deen together was how a (born) Muslim family celebrated Ramadan, lol.
I couldn't have been more wrong, lol.

Anyway, I'm not here to judge others and how they want to spend their Ramadan but I am here to write about this COVID-19 thing and how it has forced many of us, including myself to spend Ramadan at home. I will, however, mention that, to see many born Muslims share their sorrows of not being able to spend Ramadan in the masjid or spend it with their extended families, kind of makes me sad. I mean, of course, Ramadan is about praying in the masjid and worshiping Allah in a congregation, but when it comes down to it, even though you are standing shoulder to shoulder and standing before the imam reciting the Qur'an, you are to experience a singular and individual experience with you and Allah. Ramadan is for you to improve your relationship with Allah and with yourself. That can't be done by spending all your hours with family and friends. Sometimes, I don't understand how many born Muslim families consider Ramadan a time for eating and sitting with each other and automatically, that's how you are getting closer to Allah. I've kind of witnessed this and experienced it for myself recently and honestly, it is far from the reality of what Ramadan should be.

Ramadan should be a lot of things and spending 24/7 with friends and family, eating and laughing and watching sitcoms is something it shouldn't be.
Ramadan shouldn't be about just sitting there and looking at the time and waiting for that minute to hit the sunset time. Ramadan shouldn't be you wondering what you will buy for Eid and spend countless hours scrolling down your shopping app for the latest trends. Ramadan shouldn't be about just spending hours in the kitchen to prepare iftar. Ramadan shouldn't be about reading Qur'an from cover to cover only the words leaving the tongue. Ramadan shouldn't be about just the technical and physical actions of a Muslim.
I'm really blessed to be able to realize that Allah has allowed me to spend countless Ramadans alone and being able to find that balance of going to the masjid and spending it in the comfort of my own home. I feel blessed that I am able to finally realize that Ramadan should be focusing on bettering myself and preparing my meeting with my Lord, Allah.

So, what should Ramadan be about?
What are your thoughts? Comment below if you'd like.

These quarantine days haven't necessarily been any different than my usual regular routine outside of this whole COVID-19 situation.

I usually spend time alone most of the day and stay at home as much as possible. I actually have to force myself to go outside and get a breath of fresh air, otherwise, I could just continue staying at home avoiding people and avoiding life. 
Sometimes, the thought of getting dressed and having to put on all that Islamic gear, sunscreen and getting my purse ready and then thinking about how I'll feel hot while I'm out or getting too much sun totally just warrants me to stay at home and not be bothered with such strenuous tasks. Not to mention, having to shower and take off the sunscreen with a cleansing balm so my pores don't clog and end up giving me zits and then having to do laundry because you unwillingly perspired under all that fabric of love. I'm sure some of you get me. 

Now that I'm forced to stay at home, I feel like I'm on a holiday. An indefinite holiday where I feel like I can just sit and do absolutely nothing outside of my regular routine. Ramadan is a week away and I know I should be preparing for it but here I am, playing Scrabble Go and wondering what kind of nothing I should do for the rest of the day. 

I am aware that this time-wasting will be held against me on the Day I meet Allah. I know I should be doing more with my time and for His Sake, I should be as productive as possible.
You know, I envy (in a positive way) those who are so active in the deen and so consistently active. Like I've met a bunch of sisters on social media back in 2011 and to this day, they are still engaged in Qur'an studies and forcefully enjoining good and forbidding evil (well, so it seems on their Instagram accounts). They still (seem) to be the same kind of people they once were when I first 'met' them. These types of people seemingly are very inspirational to me as I struggle with consistency and as well, I get bored very quickly. When I start something, I usually intend to finish it but on my own schedule. I hate setting short-term goals or even long-term goals because then I feel forced and once I feel forced into something, I will just lose interest and end up hating something or leaving it altogether. I know this is not a good thing and I recognize it. I'm still trying to find that balance and trying to figure out how I can stay engaged and consistent without turning something into a chore (daunting task?). I know Allah loves consistency even if the deed was something small. I have to remember that.

I think because I'm somewhat an OCDer and an imperfect-perfectionist, I think only grandiose deeds are most beloved and acceptable for rewards. This is not true and I know it, and here's proof, Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Take up good deeds only as much as you are able, for the best deeds are those done regularly even if they are few.” (Sunan Ibn Mājah 4240 Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Albani) 

While it's good to always surround yourself with those who are righteous, I think I've realized that I need to surround myself with people who understand balance and who also recognize that they are human beings who err and struggle. We live in the dunya and therefore we should acknowledge that the dunya is part of this life. We have to find that balance. I wish that I could go back to 2011 and spend every waking, breathing hour learning the deen, spreading the deen and engaging and encouraging others to do the same. I wish I could go back to the way I once was, but as I've learned throughout this journey to Allah, is that, though life is not constant, we are constantly changing. 

I've changed a lot. I've also recognized that I'm not that person I once was back in 2011. Situations are different now and I need to just go with the flow. I know I am wasting time now, I know it and I'm not happy about it. But I also know that I need to figure out what works for me without me falling into what I fell into back in the earlier years of my new Muslim days. I took the plunge when I didn't even know how to float. 

Well, one thing is for sure. 
Something that has kept with me consistently since I converted to Islam has been my writing. Without me even knowing or realizing, writing has always stuck with me. During my easiest and most difficult days, I've always kept writing. By default, I write when I'm happy, sad or just feeling bored and without even knowing it, writing has been the only form of solace that has stuck by me throughout this journey to Allah. 

So, I guess I will continue to write for as long as Allah wills for maybe this is that small, consistent good deed that can help me on the Day I return to Allah. 
Sigh.
The thought of returning to Allah just sends me terrifying chills. 
I guess that's another topic for another day, insha'Allah. 

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatu,

as Ramadan is in a few days (wow, subhana'Allah!) and most of us (those who can follow rules) are in quarantine, I was thinking to start a Ramadan group where we share reminders daily from the Qur'an and Sunnah. I think it would be a good idea to help each other do small deeds during this time, insha'Allah. The group will be on LINE app ( avoiding whatsapp) . If you are interested, you will have to download the app and e-mail me your user ID , at converts4converts@gmail.com !  

Lately, I don't really know what to write.
I don't have much inspiration to write.
Things have changed quite a bit since a year ago and I'm trying to catch up with all of the changes.

The only thing I've learned lately is the things I totally dislike, lol.
Recently, I have learned many things and met many people who I absolutely just don't want to deal with.
I don't know why I've been so intolerant and antisocial lately.
The more people I meet, the less I want to deal with them. I thought I was easygoing, but at this point, I'm not even sure anymore, lol.

I feel like once I thought I had myself figured out, I'm suddenly faced with new challenges.
Well, I guess this is life; I have to keep reminding myself.

Just when things get quiet and I can take a quick breather, I am forced to suddenly rise and keep running to that finish line, whilst not even having caught my first breath!

This dunya is so tiring and I often find myself fighting to find that balance between the dunya and akhirah.
Lately, I'm finding myself more focused on the dunya rather than the akhirah.
It just sneaks up on you without you even realizing!

One minute you fear for what's to come regarding the akhirah and then the next minute you are worrying about financial stresses and not wanting to deal with family members who make your blood boil!

The Journey to Allah really is not an easy one.
There are so many distractions along the way and challenges that just stop you in your tracks and make you wonder what has become of me thus far???

I think the reason I haven't really written much lately or done any self-reflecting posts is that I don't even know what I am these days, lol.

I thought I had it figured out or at least part of me figured out, but the more I am faced with all these people and new situations which I never asked for, I find myself reacting instead of acting. Reacting in a way that isn't positive in the least. What happened to the things I've preached about good manners and good character?

I hate when people think I'm still the person I was when I first converted. Overzealous, 'religious', always have the answers and a good example.
A good example of what, though, lol.

Lately, I feel like I'm far from all of those things. Well, was I ever any of those things?
lol.
Overzealous, yah, maybe a bit too much.

Now, I'm just trying to get to that finish line and hope that my many sins and character flaws won't bring me down. I feel like they are slowing me down and also making me forget from time to time what my true purpose in this life truly is.

I guess, slowly, but surely is better, right?

Sigh, how crazy the dynamics of life is.
One minute you are this and the next minute you are that.

O Allah, our Lord! Give us that which is good in this life, that which is good in the Hereafter and save us from the torment of the Fire.

assalamualaikum,

How is everyone doing with this whole coronavirus thing?
Are you having a hard time quarantining?

Insha'Allah I'll try to post more often during these times!
I've got a lot to say!