Thursday, January 11, 2018

Life Updates: Chapter Ten - My Rock Bottom

(side note: All posts are not recently written. They were written according to how I was feeling in the present moment I wrote them. I just write and then post each one in the order in which they were written at the time- and I know we are in 2018, thanks.)

"Verily, with every hardship there is ease." (94:6) 

In my "Chapters" series, I have been sharing my experiences and thoughts with not only myself but also to my online readers (whoever is actually reading- lol.) I have been writing a lot about my struggles and my not-yet triumphs with life. It has given me comfort and helped me find solitude. Alhamdulillah.

It is safe to say that since I have started this blog, I have hit rock bottom many times. My most difficult struggles started back in 2014 and continue up until present day 2017. I took long breaks in between blogging because I thought that would help me figure things out and also because I thought I had nothing to write about because I was going through hardships. I thought that my silence would help me deal with life.

I guess through those hardships, I realised that I do in fact, have everything to write about and it is something that gives me relief. I remember in 2014 I suffered from severe anxiety and panic attacks and writing helped me in many ways I never thought it would. Writing is something wonderful and I encourage everyone to open up a blank page and just write. Write to yourself, to Allah, or to the world. It doesn't have to be structured, it can have all the spelling and grammar mistakes possible, and it doesn't even have to make any sense so long as you write. Writing can give you more release than you can imagine. It allows you to organize your thoughts even if it looks like a beautiful chaos in front of your eyes. Sometimes we just need a little relief in our lives. Duaa comes first, no doubt and after that, writing can really help you channel your thoughts and feelings and give you a sense of comfort and solace.

My rock bottom lead me to write and through that writing, it allowed me to see things in a different light. I opened up my own eyes to different possibilities and different outlooks. My rock bottom lead me to focus on the present moment. My rock bottom continues to lead me closer to Allah. My rock bottom allowed me to realise that I am human, I make mistakes, and I stumble.

Though sometimes I don't feel close to Allah at all, I recognize that all this hardship is allowing me to learn about myself and who I am as a Muslim woman. It is an ongoing journey that allows me to discover new things about myself and about my life. Even though my external environment has not changed, I slowly feel like my inner self is taking on new shapes and forms. Although many times I slip and fall and wish that I can just stay lying on that cold, wet floor, I force myself to get back up with the help of Allah.

I still battle with myself, though.
Every. Single. Day.

Some days I feel like I have life all figured out, and other days I feel like I am back to ground zero, running away from reality, slipping and falling on that cold, wet floor.

I struggle to stay patient and positive and I sometimes think that this is the forever outcome of my life. Hard to stay positive when life has been so stagnant for a long time. Hard to stay positive when everyone around you moves forward with life and you are still standing still. Hard to accept your decree with a content heart. Hard to stay focused and keep going. Everything becomes hard when you have hit your rock bottom. This is life. Whether we like it or not, life is not meant for us to sit, settle, and enjoy permanently.

My rock bottom brought me to places I never knew existed. It was dark, it was weird, it was raw. I can still remember it because it is just a matter of time until I reach that place again. This is life. But at least when I reach my rock bottom again, I will be better prepared. I will look back on this post and remember that this journey is meant to not be a perfect one. I will remember that I was once here before and even though I hated every single second of it, I came out better, I came out stronger, and I learned more about myself than I ever would have had I never gone through any hardships and hit rock bottom.

A lot of the times, rock bottom to us is somewhere we live our lives trying to avoid. When someone has hit rock bottom, we often think "oh poor her.." or "oh that sucks, good thing I'm not in her position!" but because I have hit rock bottom one too many times, I have began to see the beautiful light that Allah has promised. Sometimes relief does not have to be a tangible or dunya related thing. Relief could come from within; it could be spiritual, mental, and emotional. I thought that relief meant that I would be physically removed from my situation and given something better. Sure, that is one form of relief but then I think to myself, no matter where I could be, there will always be circumstances that will not be in my favour, because things NEVER go the way I want them to.  So what makes the most sense is to find that balance within. Knowing that no matter what you do or where you go in life, things will never be perfect and there will always be things that go against your wishes. Those things we can't control, but what we can control is what we feel within. We have full control over how we react, how we handle our life, and how we deal with things. When you can achieve this, then you will have life in your hands.

Of course, I'm still trying to figure this all out and trying to accept this concept.
Sometimes I fear for the next time I will be met with my rock bottom again. Nobody likes to be faced with a place that exposes our vulnerability and weaknesses; a place where our deepest emotions emerge and our negative thoughts take over. But there is nothing wrong with feeling vulnerable and weak because after all, the human being was created weak and vulnerable. We cannot hide from what we truly are. The more we run away from this, the more we will end up disappointing ourselves.

Accept your rock bottom, live in it for a little while, explore it, get acquainted with it and use that vulnerability to climb back up into the reality of  this life. The first few times may seem heavy and hard, but after awhile, you will realise that your rock bottom has turned your weaknesses into strengths and you will understand that hardships and struggles can be a beautiful thing because they shape us into who we are and who we will become, insha' Allah. The ease you find within is much greater than the ease you can find around you in tangible forms. Our environment we live in will always change and things will never go the way we want them to. The storm around us should not bring down who we are inside and who we are inside is the very same one who will take you to that eternal happy abode, Jannah , insha'Allah.