(note this post was prewritten in the past and posted recently)
I remember that night I arrived back into Toronto. All my emotions were on overdrive. I felt overly sad, overly anxious, overly excited, and overly confused. I didn't understand why everything turned out this way. I had pictured a totally different outcome and I thought that Ramadan 2015, my duaas would have been answered.
I had been living in Kentucky for nearly 5 years and as Allah had planned it, I came back to Toronto, alone. I won't go into detail as to why I came back alone because if you are a regular reader of my blog, you all know that I hate talking about my private life AND leave that which does not concern you - right? thx.
I guess you could say I was dreading that long-awaited day where I would be packing up all my things and closing that chapter in my life. I have always welcomed change in my life but I wasn't too sure if I was ready for this chapter ending and having a new one start right before my eyes. A sense of fear, loneliness, uncertainty, and despair had hit me all at once. But I was counting down the days when I would be moving back to Toronto?! Wasn't I?
It wasn't what I had imagined it to be.
Drowning in my own tears masked by a weakened smile, I took a deep breath and dove right in.
Life back here has not been an easy one. Going from four long years of living in USA without any non-Muslim interference to diving right in a non-Muslim household was challenging. I had to adjust and I had to adjust fast. It took around six months to actually feel OK with my not-so-new surroundings. The first year was 'hell' (may Allah protect me and all of us from actually hellfire ameen!) I can't even begin to describe the feelings I went through. Of course, I look back and I say Alhamdulillah, it truly felt like a cleansing process. I truly felt like a piece of metal being heated to degrees that I couldn't bear, but I bore it and I bore it some more.
When I look back at my life in Kentucky, I can't even believe how I managed to get through those last few years. I suffered from anxiety attacks, fear of leaving my home because I was afraid I would get shot (audhubillah), dealing with the most annoying (again, this is subjective) individuals I have ever met, no Islamic inspirations or real Muslim community around me, and while everyone's life around me always seemed to keep moving- mine always felt like it was at a standstill. Alhamdulillah
When I moved back to Toronto certain things got better alhamdulillah and many things got worse. I was faced with a whole new load of hardships that I never thought I could possibly get through. Time and time again my emaan was being tested. How I lasted, I do not even know. All I know is that I continue to ask Allah for ease and relief and to never test me with anything beyond what I have been going through. Ameen!
One thing I learned from this is that I really should not be complaining about ANYTHING! Because honestly, Allah could just test me with something worse than what I am going through (May Allah protect me from that ameen) and then I will come to realize, 'wow the first hardship was nothing compared to this!' "And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, 'If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.' " Though the tafsir for this verse is referring to Musa (aleyhi salam) and his people, this verse really reminds me of the seriousness of being ungrateful! How often do we find ourselves complaining about something only to be tested with something worse? Then we realise that the test we faced in the beginning was nothing compared to the other things we end up having to go through!
When I think about all the things that have happened to me thus far since 2014, I am in awe as to how I overcame them. There were many moments of weakness where I felt I could go on no longer and there were times I questioned myself and my decision to be a Muslim. I know now these are only thoughts from shaytan the accursed (May Allah always keep us steadfast and firm upon His beautiful deen ameen!) My constant pleading and crying to Allah was the only thing that got me through all these painful trials. Many piercings to the heart with hardships I never asked for has taught me so much about myself and who I am as a Muslim woman. Even if my faith was rocky and feeling unstable, I would ask myself "but who else could help me except Allah?" and I would remember even before I found Allah and Islam, even during my darkest hours, I would cry out to Him alone! Because let's face it, no friend, no boyfriend, no spouse or parent can take away the deafening pains we feel in our hearts- especially if they are the ones who caused them! Allah is the only one who remains forever there to hear our cries and our sorrows.
What a struggle it has been. What a journey thus far I have traveled. When I look back at how far I have come, I can't even imagine how I made it through. Even though my situation has not changed, I feel a sense of self-growth that I never experienced before. Perhaps this is what Allah has been trying to teach me all along? To grow as a Muslim, alone. all.by.myself.
No external help. Just me and Allah.
Constant tears, constant feelings of helplessness and finally I have surfaced. I still continue to struggle with many things but I feel like Allah has given me this chance to open my eyes to what is inside me and not around me. I somehow landed upon this reminder, "The heart does not cease being put to trial until the slave makes all his religion for Allah." (Ibn Taymiyyah - Al Fataawaa: 10/545)
This reminder is so beneficial for me in many ways. For me, it teaches me that until I leave all my fears, tears, worries, cries, and pleads for Allah alone, that is the only time when I will feel that ease and relief that Allah has promised.
I still continue on with this journey. So many things to learn and understand. Discovering who I am as a person and as a Muslim. I learned about my likes and dislikes, I discovered things I excel at and things I have no interest in. I learned how to say NO and I learned how to deal with annoying people. I learned that through being thankful and grateful, comes patience. My hardships are my own and nobody understands them but me. At the beginning, I felt lost and confused. I often questioned and wondered when will my relief come O' Allah?! I still have a long way to go. I have my moments where I feel helpless and hopeless. But then I remember again and again "the heart does not cease being put to trial until the slave makes all his religion for Allah." and so I try to move forward and remember that this dunya life is only a test. A test of fear, pain, hunger, and loss. So I write and I write until I discover more clarity within and find that sense of relief.
Though things remain the same since I moved back here three years ago, I have changed.
Though my situation remains at a standstill, I move forward and that is my choice.
And so, through the hardships, I find myself.
