Reflection post #1.

Well, since I have all the time to my advantage (Alhamdulilah), I will attempt to write something worth reading Insha'Allah. 

Now that I have been a full fledged Muslimah for one year now, Alhamdulilah, I have learnt a lot about myself, I think. Islam has really taken me places I have never ever thought of going, EVER. I am not talking about physically because those moments are short lived and what remains in our memories slowly fade away with time. You can be in so many places physically, but mentally are you REALLY there? Well, the only place I feel that you can experience everlasting memories while being there physically and mentally is Makkah & Madinah. *sigh* <3

I wanted so badly to travel to Makkah & Madinah this Ramadan and but as Allah planned it, I did not go. Now this experience had left me sad, upset, and in despair. I had increased my duaas and my ibadaah hoping and praying that Allah would grant me the opportunity to spend Ramadan in Saudi because even before I became Muslim, I wanted to go to Masjid al-Haram. My iman came to a red light and I stayed idle for a time that felt like forever. I had slowed down in my trust in Allah because I thought for some reason astughfurAllah, Allah was punishing me. I am not going to lie, as I am only human, but I felt a bit of hopelessness and totally defeated (by myself). I can't really recall the exact feelings I felt at the time, as now I am Alhamdulilah back on the road to Jannah, trying to adjust my GPS. But I do remember that I was going through a series of emotions only Allah knows. Who would have thought, a trip to Saudi would affect me so badly? Was it the thought of spending Ramadan alone that I wanted to avoid? Or was it the visual image in my mind of making tawaf around the Kaabah with thousands of Muslims? I guess it was a bit of both. 

I was shattered and heart broken. I felt like Allah was mad at me and hated me! I felt like I must have let Him down some how, and that really did break my heart. The thought of disappointing one's spouse or child is already a feeling that leaves your heart heavy, but could you imagine disappointing your Creator, your Protector, The MOST Merciful, The Almighty, The Most Loving, The Owner of the Day of Judgement?!!!!! *sigh* 

I finally realised, that this is my jihad. I was going through such inner struggles that I have never in my life felt before. The thought of truly letting down The One more important than your own husband! Though, I didn't even know what I was doing to let Him down, I felt that it was my own fault that I was not going to Saudi. I was thinking irrationally and my feelings were based on emotions. 

Fast forward to this present moment.

Alhamdulilah, by the Wisdom of my Almighty Creator, I realise (and continue to realise, and WILL continue to realise insha'Allah) that this is what was written for me. I am slowly seeing the benefits of me staying in Toronto this Ramadan. I have definitely learnt a valuable lesson with all that has happened within these few long months. Learning to FULLY trust in Allah, never becoming complacent or stagnant with your deen, and constantly reminding yourself " I can fight through my nafs with Allah's help and Allah is with me." 

I felt like I was at a standstill with my deen, and let me tell you, it is one frightening experience, that ONE moment you trip and fall and you don't get back up again, shaitan will charge at you full speed and keep knocking you down over and over and over until your in your grave with no good deeds to bring with you!! Can you imagine this? 

Well, It may not seem like such a big deal to you, that I was not able to travel this year to Saudi but it was, and still is, something that I have truly been longing for in my heart since the day I took my shahadah. I want to be able to set foot on the very place that prophet Ibrahim (as) and Hajar (ra) set foot on. The very place that our beloved prophet (pbuh) prayed at. To pray right in front of the Qibla, and to witness all the history that we learn about in the Qur'an standing right before me. Subhana'Allah. Insha'allah may Allah take me to Makkah and Madina, the two most holy cities known to mankind and may I die there.

If you are reading this, please keep me in your duaa and Insha'Allah I will see you there . 

I leave you with this beautiful Surah , for those who have felt (or are feeling) the way that I have been feeling. Never despair, for Allah is with His true believers, and Jannah is better for us.