Just taking a random break from blogging about my boring life's struggles *lol* to share with you something quite amazing! One of my close friends shared with me this link and told me how accurate it was to best describing my personality. I was a bit curious as to what she would attribute me with to this video. I watched a little, then I continued to watch more and then I finished the nearly 12 minute video. WOW!!! Insanely accurate. I think this video did a better job in summing up my personality in 12 minutes than I could in a one hour interview! Minus the bars and clubs thing...I would definitely say this is verbatim of my whole life's story *lol*

So I decided to take a browse around my blog (and I encourage you to as well, it is free of charge!) and take a look at some older posts that I wrote. To my surprise, I noticed that for the past four years there has been a reoccurring theme where I speak about my emaan, my hardships that affect my emaan, and me being in a physical environment that is not in my favour. It is kind of funny to read back and see myself speaking about the same things I am blogging about currently. I guess it is a re-occurring theme?

The reason why I wanted to point this out was that it reminds me again and again that life will NEVER go the way I want it to nor go the way I expect it to! I was in KY, a place I physically, absolutely detested and still I was going through struggles and hardships - externally and internally. Now I am back home in my beautiful country yet I find myself in a circumstance which if I had a chance to choose, would definitely not choose it at all!

That brings me back to remembering what Islam is all about. How even if the external circumstances are not befitting to you, you must be content and pleased with what Allah has given you and to connect with your inner self. Finding that richness deep within instead of looking for it around you.
“Wealth is not in having many possessions. Rather, true wealth is the richness of the soul.”Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 6081, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1051.This is such a simple yet deep reminder.

I always think that success in life is determined by how many children you have, having a successful career and living somewhere where you love with loved ones. I think perhaps all this time I have been missing the point because I allowed and continue to allow my external circumstances affect my well-being and emaan. Not to say, though, that your external circumstances do not have a role to play on you internal centre because it definitely does. Your external circumstances can really affect you in ways you can never imagine. Many individuals including myself can't find peace of mind in an environment that is unfamiliar or makes us uncomfortable. I am still struggling and to be honest, I really don't think I will find peace of mind until I remove myself from this environment, but at least I can strive to find a balance where I can tolerate my circumstances and try to exercise sabr.

Since my external environment is not somewhere I really wish to be, I try to do what I can and make it work. Many times I have failed and that is normal because again, I am only a human being and I can't expect myself to be in a good mood 24/7. I know a lot of us wish that things would go our way because it is just easier. When we can have what we want, live where we want to live and do the things we want to do, it is just easier.

Things are just easier when we don't have to strive and struggle. But then we would never learn, right? How else can we get to Jannah if we don't go through hardships and be put through situations and circumstances that we really don't want to be put in? Even non Muslims have to go through struggles and tests to get to where they are today! So many successful non-Muslims have struggled and suffered and then they attained what they were striving for, the success in the dunya. Allah gives us whatever we strive for. If we want the dunya, He will give it to us and if we want  the akhirah, He will give it to us. I guess it all comes down to priorities and how much we are willing to struggle in the way of Allah.

“The dunya is a prison for the believer and Paradise for the disbeliever,”[Sahih Muslim, vol.4, #7058] 
I am really starting to understand this hadith because I truly feel this way. The dunya really does not have anything good to offer. It is full of let downs and disappointments. I continue to struggle to remind myself that this dunya is only temporary and I shouldn't focus all my efforts and pain on this life. It is not my friend and it will always deceive me. It is so easy to drown yourself in this life with worries and problems which will be the least of our concerns on the Day of Judgment!

Day to day, I still struggle to accept that this life is not what I had in mind. All the tests and trials I go through are only to remind me not to settle comfortably in this life. All the tests and trials are made to remind me that I have to push and strive until the very end. But it is so hard.

Sometimes I just want to give up and submit to my desires and forget about everything I have been working towards. That instant gratification that seems so tempting and so easy. It is so easy to let your desires run like a wild horse. It is so easy to just give up because everyone else around you is living happily fulfilling their own desires. Their lives seem so exciting, fresh and lively! Everything seems so picture perfect. But are they really happy and satisfied with this fleeting life?

Then I think back to the days of my pre-Islamic life. Was I happy when I used to submit to my desires and chase the dunya life? Did I ever find satisfaction from doing this or that? Did my life really feel complete when I would accomplish x-y-z? The answer is No. Not at all. Anytime I accomplished something, I wanted something else. I wanted more. I was never satisfied and I always wanted something else, something new, something better. Even if it was unrealistic and unattainable, I would try to attain it. That is the reality of this life. You will always try to chase SOMETHING. The dunya is meant to make us greedy and unsatisfied. That is why it is such a temporary place. Once you attain something, you want something else and the vicious cycle continues. Your happiness is always termporary. It will never leave us fully satisfied because this is not the place for that.

I can't even begin to express how deceived I feel by this worldly life. It is not something I want to befriend and it is definitely not something I want to trust. Up until this point in my life, I have been deceived over and over and I have been left disappointed. Anytime we want to blame Allah for our hardships and struggles and trials, remember that it is not Allah who we are to blame but we need to remember that this is the reality of the dunya. This dunya is the external environment that we need to survive in and the only way we can do that is to keep our internal self satisfied with Islam as our religion and Allah as our Lord and Muhammad (sallalahu aleyhi wasselem) as the last and final messenger.

When we figure out how to live with this in our hearts, then truly we will have succeeded and that inner richness will help us strive until the very end. But getting there is not an easy task. It will take many moments of defeat, hopelessness, and helplessness. Surely we believe in our hearts and tongues that Islam is our religion, Allah is our Lord and Muhammad (sallalahu aleyhi wasselam) is our last and final messenger BUT when we are faced with trials and adversities, sometimes we forget.

We forget that Allah put us in the hardship in the first place to reward us and to cleanse us from our many sins. We forget that Allah is the one who will help us out and through the struggles as long as we call upon Him over and over. We forget that Islam is a religion to guide us through this life with peace and determination. We forget that prophet Muhammad (sallalahu aleyhi wasselam) endured so much pain, suffering and hardship for us ! Wow, even I forget all these things sometimes.

It is so important to keep making duaa even when you have nothing left in you. I have struggled with this so many times when I just wanted to give up on making duaa- even to this day, as I write this, I sometimes feel like "what's the point though?" But then I remember, no, there is a point to all this. Duaa is a form of worship and it is my string to hope and my way to Allah. Thus I must continue to push, shove, climb and strive my way to Him, even when everything around me wants to bring me down. 

Today I am feeling emotional. I have been for a few days now and whenever I feel this way, I always wonder what has changed in my routine for me to feel this way.

Sometimes I have really good weeks, and even months! Other weeks and months are not so good. I think I am having another one of those weeks/months.  I am aware of the patterns, though. I know when I don't focus on my external situation so much and I concentrate on my inner realm, I feel better. Over and over I remember that striving to strive within, will only benefit me in all circumstances.

I feel really emotional. I feel negative. I feel weak. I am struggling. Again. 

I think back to my life in the USA and all the many trials that came along with it. It weakened me to the point that I felt humbled. I thought I had life all figured out, you know? I thought that I knew how to handle life and all the things that came my way. But I guess I was wrong.
I think about all the moments I slipped and fell, not wanting to get up. I remember these moments very well. I think about all those times where I really thought I could move forward no more, yet somehow, I found it in me to inch a little further.

Through all these tests, Allah has truly been with me. He could have easily left me to go astray (may Allah always protect me and all of us from that Ameen!) but He continued to guide me. Though reciting al-Fatiha five times a day may not always sink deeper than my tongue, I know that there would be no other place I rather be on than the siratul mustaqeem- hey that kinda rhythms?  Even though there are times I don't feel that Allah has been with me, if I just open my eyes, ears, and heart a little more, it is obvious that Allah is with me.

Constantly, I am fighting.
I struggle to strive.
Some days I just feel so unbelievably irritated, so much so that I just want to crawl into bed and leave the world behind me. Other days I feel like I am on top of the world and I can conquer anything that comes my way. I guess it makes sense since I AM only human.
The struggle is real and it ain't just a #hashtag.

I share this because I want everyone who reads this to know that everything you see on social media whether it be Instagram, Facebook, , Youtube or Snapchat is not always rainbows and sunshine. I find it awfully deceiving for almost every Instagram account to be sharing the happiest moments as if all they know is travelling, shopping, looking into their spouse's eyes all starry eyed and showing their child always laughing and peaceful!

In my last post about being an only child, I didn't just talk about the benefits of being an only child, but I mentioned the importance of being true to oneself. I feel like being on social media  automatically gives us this entitlement to show our lives in a heavily, unhealthy distorted way; the way how others perceive life to be perfect and the way they all make it seem like this dunya IS worth chasing is definitely far from reality. Not only do these individuals fool others, but they are essentially lying to themselves. As soon as something hard hits them or they are faced with adversity, they don't know how to handle life because all they imagined is that life should be all fun and games. "Living the life" is something far from reality and we do not hear enough about "handling life".

Often we are too busy "living life" yet we don't even know how to handle this life! We put all our hopes and expectations into something that is only a mirage. I need to write this post mainly as a reminder to myself. Over and over, I keep having these high expectations of this or that. Over and over I have been humbled by doors closing, sometimes slamming in my face. As soon I realize that I put too much importance and emphasis into the dunya and forgetting my akhirah, Allah sets me straight. I am tested with things that really poke at my patience. I am tested with things that question my tawakkul and I am tested with things that feed my ego. Today, things are blurry and things are grey.

This journey is so difficult and sometimes I wonder what is the point of all this! I know the path I have taken is meant to show me many sides of "me" that I have never seen before. I know that the path to guidance is not an easy one. Under all the darkness of life's lessons, I know there must be light and freedom. I continue to search, I continue to struggle, I continue to feel the burdens heavily on my shoulders weighing me down.
I let out a big *sigh* and keep going...
Today is a new day.

People are moving on with their lives yet I am still at a standstill. Sometimes this makes me feel sad and other times it makes me dig a little deeper into my realm of existence. As people are busy with the external aspects of life, I am busy with my internal aspects of life. All this time has allowed me to figure out who I am not only as a Muslimah, but as a human being.

 I guess I can say that all this time alone has given me the opportunity to really understand and learn what it is like to live life as a Muslimah. I feel like if I started a family early on and lived that "family life" like everyone else, I would have been too caught up with my external surroundings and totally would have neglected my Self- wa Allahu 'Alim.

I think being an only child has really helped me connect with My Self. It has forced me to become very introspective and because I always had/have time alone, it has allowed me to get in touch with myself. It has allowed me to reflect and respond to my inner cries, my inner struggles, and my inner aspirations.

Growing up, I was always very social. I enjoyed interacting with others and I always thought going out with friends or going to family gatherings was something exciting. At that time, being alone was something boring to me and I would romanticize the idea of being busy running around from point A to B meeting X, Y, and Z. Just thinking about that in my head right now makes me feel exhausted!
In high school I always envied the busy bodies and I always wanted to have a very active social life. I couldn't because I lived too far away from my school and my parents were quite overprotective. So when I was more independent, I went all out and made myself into that socialite that I longed to become.

That life was so exhausting. People became exhausting to me and I began to embrace that low key life I once had in high school. How funny is it that when I had what I wanted, I didn't want it anymore?! I was all partied out and I preferred to just spend my time with one or two friends doing something that required very minimal effort. I didn't like big groups of people and even though I could socialize and people often mistook me for an extroverted social butterfly, I actually preferred to stay home and be away from annoying humans. I just recently found out that this is what we call "introverted."

When I first became Muslim, I somehow forgot that I was a natural introvert because all I wanted to do was meet new Muslims. I thought that going to social gatherings was something that I really enjoyed doing. It turns out, after a while, I retracted back into my introvert shell.

Since I have been back in Toronto, I have embraced that fact that I am an introvert. Loud people annoy me, big groups overwhelm me, and long hours of being out exhaust me. I prefer to be at home in my room and keeping to myself. I don't have to answer to anybody (except my parents lol) and I can do whatever I want, whenever I want and nobody can bother me (unless I allow them to). I am an introvert and I am proud to be one.

Being an introvert has many beautiful benefits and it is only these past (almost) two years that I have realized what a blessing it is to just enjoy your own company, without all the outside noise (well literally in my parent's place there is a lot of noise but I have learned to drown it out). When you can just sit and think about life and reflect upon yourself and your actions, it really allows one for self growth.

At first I thought that spending too much time by myself and being "idle" would make me more depressed because I would focus only on the negative aspects of my life.
For a long while, this is exactly what happened and I would drown myself in my own self misery. I would compare myself to other's lives and feel sorry for my own "boring", "lonely" life. Of course, I am not free from that still (lol) as I am a human being so weak by nature that it is only normal that I will retract into this from time to time, but Alhamdulillah, Allah has helped me along the way and allowed me to see the benefit in being alone.

I now realise that being an only child has really benefited me in more ways than I can imagine. It has allowed me to realise that I can turn loneliness into solitude. Solitude for me has become solace. It has allowed me to hold myself accountable for my actions. It has allowed me to reflect upon life. It has allowed me to embrace and enjoy my own company. It has made me realise that at the end of the day, I will return to Allah alone. Nobody will be in that grave with me and nobody will be standing beside me on the Day of Reckoning. It will just be me, myself, and I with my Lord.

Alhamdulillah, by the Mercy of Allah, I have found the advantages and full benefits of being an only child and they all work in my favour - Allahumma Barik. Of course there are sometimes disadvantages because I can easily detach myself from others and because I seem to put my needs before anyone else, I may come off as selfish or self-centered. But to be honest, I feel like we all need to treat ourselves sometimes like we are only children (even when we are not) because it is only then when we focus on ourselves and keep ourselves in check that we can live an effective life as a Muslim.

Don't get me wrong, though, I do wish sometimes that I had a big family and children of my own because as busy as that kind of life can get, it does have its rewards and benefits as well. But because this is what Allah has given me, and even though I saw it as a negative thing for a long while, I have come to embrace it and accept it thanks to Allah. Through the pain, the tears and the sadness that I experienced by myself, Allah allowed me to see the benefits of being in the current situation that I am in.

I always had low self- esteem and self confidence issues because I thought acceptance comes from other people and from my external environment. But as I spend more time alone, I realise that, as cliche as it sounds, acceptance comes from within. When you accept who you are, that is when you are able to make the necessary adjustments you need in order to be a better Muslimah. Often times we think that we have to become better for the people around us but when we do that, we will only end up in failure. When we know ourselves, then we can get to know Allah and once we know Allah we can be a better sister, daughter, mother, wife, and friend. We cannot know Allah before we get to know ourselves because if you think about it, it was only through me knowing myself that I was able to open myself up to knowing Allah and finding Islam and knowing it was the true religion; I knew my life was empty, I knew the parties and drinking were destroying me, and I knew that there was something more to life. It was because I knew these things about myself that brought me to Allah and Islam.

Sometimes we just need to connect with ourselves by ourselves for ourselves because at the end of the day, nobody will do that for us. Using the excuses I once used to use, " I don't have a strong Muslim community near me", "there are no good Muslims around me", " I live in a non Muslim country" are not sufficient enough. Do you see the way the prophets used to struggle when all there were were non Muslims around? They did not live in the luxury of many Muslims at the beginning of their journeys of spreading Islam! Our connection with Allah does not rely on the people around us because as I mentioned, on the day of Judgement, we will be alone before Allah and in the grave, we will also be alone. Who can we rely on then?

Every time I write these posts I want to remind you all that I DO struggle, I DO cry, I DO feel sad and I DO fall into despair.
Sometimes it may read as if I have everything all figured out and that I got it together. That is not the case at all. I struggle each and every single day. Even as I write this, my emaan is struggling. I do not want you to think that I am some strong Muslimah who has the best relationship with Allah.
The only reason I write is because it makes me feel better and it helps me organize my thoughts. I write because I want others to know that my situation has forced me to dig deeper within and to try to find coping methods so I don't wallow in self pity. It has forced me to look at the positive aspects of my life even though many times I feel like there are none.

I feel it is important that I express this because a lot of the times, when we read people's blogs or we are on social media, we think that the person behind the screen is someone who does not struggle or go through hardships. We think that they are some pious person who knows how to deal with life. Well, that is not me and I don't ever want anyone thinking that is how I deal with life. You do not see what goes on behind this screen and you do not know what kind of challenges I have to face. So whenever you read any of my posts, please take it at a surface level. If you can benefit from it or it makes you reflect upon your own life, then alhamdulillah- ultimately this is my goal.

I wish that everyone who reads my posts will always be honest with themselves and ask themselves the same questions that I have been forced to ask myself during these challenging times. Do not wait until it is too late and do not keep making excuses for yourself because at the end of the day, your life will pass you by before you know it and as soon as your busy life slows down, you might be hit all of a sudden with all these things you never thought deserved any attention. When that happens, it may break you and you may not know how to deal with your life. That has happened too many times to the people around me and because they neglected themselves for so long, they fall into severe depression. Do not let yourself get to that point. Always try to find time to reflect and be alone with yourself even if it is for 20 minutes a day. Hold yourself accountable and be responsible for your relationship with yourself and with Allah.

Annoying people exist. They are everywhere and they come in different shapes and sizes. They can be people you meet for only a minute or they can be living under the same roof as you. Annoying people exist and they are as real as it gets.

I am an only child so I have always been used to spending a lot of time by myself. When I was young I used to enjoy being social and making a lot of new friends. I was never a cliquey person because I liked to have different groups of friends. Different groups of friends meant diversity and I liked (still do ) diversity. I never liked boring. I was like this up until my adult life until shortly after I became Muslim. When I first became Muslim, I wanted to meet as many sisters as I could and I became super social and wanted to attend gatherings. The revert-zeal I guess you could call it. But then things changed and socializing became exhausting.

Lately, I had an epiphany and realised though I may be a sociable being who is outgoing, at the end of the day I prefer to be alone. I am a sociable, outgoing introvert. Is that an oxymoron?

In Islam, good character, and manners are the keys to success in this life and the next. The importance of good etiquette and good manners is something highly valued in Islam. 

Growing up, I never really had good character or manners because the household that I am currently living in, never really showed me otherwise. Though I was told to have good manners, I was never shown good character and manners. There is a big difference between the two, especially if you are young and impressionable and vulnerable to your surroundings. You are basically copycatting what you see around you! So I just copied what I saw and called it a day. I was not born with good character and so this has been something I have been working hard on to improve. Especially now being around my family, I feel like I have to work even harder to not fall back into the way I once was!

I have struggled to try my best to tolerate and accept annoying people and try to put myself in their shoes. I think to myself, " maybe they are annoying for a good reason! "  It usually has a lot to do with upbringing and lack of confidence or TOO MUCH confidence. I guess parents have a lot to do with why a person is a certain way or why they aren't a certain way right? Afterall, look at me!

Then I think to myself, what if I am annoying and I just don't know it? What if what I see in others, others see in me (and don't take this the wrong way as in I don't exercise husnl dhun lol) ? Well, I guess that is why I prefer to be an observationalist rather than to be that overbearing individual who doesn't let anybody speak or who has to rebuke anything and everything someone says! Or those who seem to always talk about nothing else but themselves and anytime they ask you a question, and you answer, they totally disregard what you say and then talk about themselves. Or the super sarcastic individual who (enter sarcastic joke that is out of context and makes no sense -here) makes some comment and you are just thinking to yourself "HUH??". Oh, and don't forget the judgemental type! You can't eat or sleep without being judged. And those who meddle in your business and make you feel awkward. Or those who are way too open and speak everything on their mind and tell you flaws about yourself that you never asked them to bring up - thanks a lot.

I mean, I am sure I fall into these categories of annoying people from time to time and it is always important to reflect upon my own actions and hold myself accountable and ask myself, " was I annoying today? Was I being that overbearing controlling conversationalist who wouldn't let anyone speak and I only talked about myself?" I am sure I have been THAT  person on several occasions and when I think about it, I think to myself "ew." and head back to the drawing board and figure out what it is I need to work on.

I guess that is why I have become such an introvert and prefer to be alone. It gives me time to reflect. Even though the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The believer who mixes with people and patiently bears their annoyance will have a greater reward than the believer who does not mix with people and patiently bears their annoyance” (Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 2035), I prefer to be alone because I enjoy quiet and too much noise around exhausts me. Don't get me wrong, as I mentioned before, I do like to socialise and I am considered outgoing, but at the end of the day, I do prefer to just relax in my room and engage in some hobbies that allow me to enjoy time with myself. I think it is important that we all take the time to ourselves and reflect upon who we are today and who we want to be at the end of the day. We focus too much on others but we really need to focus on ourselves and make it a point to work on our character and manners. 

My honest review for my abayat from Tasnim Collections is long overdue! I have two from Tasnim that are pretty much my go-to for daily wear. I have one in the Grape Burgundy and Dark Teal and both are lightweight material. I also had a batwing one which I gave to my friend because I couldn't stand the hiking up of the sides every time I wore a jacket/coat or a cross over shoulder bag. It really annoyed me and I couldn't roll the sleeves up to make wudhu! If you don't care about all those things then go for it! But the batwing abayas are NOT for me. I have not tried the medium weight material but the light weight material works best for me. It is flowy and breathable and the material is very good quality.

I am able to throw it in the wash as often as I like AND I can put it in the dryer without any pilling, snagging or shrinkage. Compared to other online places I have purchsed from, the material of my Tasnim abayat seems to be quite durable. I also LOVE the pockets ! This style of abaya is thrown over the head and then there is a zipper in the middle that starts maybe about mid chest level. I do suggest that the zipper could zip up a little lower from the neck because I always find the neckline riding up too high on my neck when zipped (lol). Also, I would recommend that the sleeves have some sort of controlled lycra/spandex cuff because sometimes the wrist part will ride up exposing some of my wrists. It IS wudu friendly, though (depending which abaya you get). I had a batwing abaya from Tasnim back in 2013 and the wrist part was cuffed but not with an elastic material so making wudu WAS a problem because the sleeves could not roll up. Not sure if they fixed the issue but I do recommend that they look into that.

I have also a black long hijab from Tasnim and so far the material is lightweight and has not snagged ( I don't know what will happen if I wash it- I usually wash my hijabs in a pillow case because let's be real, who has time to handwash all our hijabs?) I love the coverage and length of the hijab! It is very flowy and does not feel slippery.

I highly recommend Tasnim Collections as one of my top go-to places for modest wear. Every time I wear my abaya I have gotten at least one person asking me where I got my abaya!

Below are the PROS and CONS as well as a picture of the abaya I currently have and the description and measurements from their website. I really hope to try the Khadijah jilbab someday, the only thing stopping me right now is paying $40 for shipping and shipping time can take up to 3-6 weeks. The tailor takes 7-20 days to finish the product and then an additional 3-15 days for shipping (of course this all depends on where you live). BUT I do love how it is handmade from Morocco, so you KNOW you are getting your garment made with care and attention.

If they can have some sort of incentive deals like, buy 1 get the other 50% then I will consider paying for shipping. Other than that, the items are affordable and very good quality and very durable. Oh and something definitely worth mentioning is GREAT customer service. The sister who is the owner of Tasnim is very kind and accommodating! I remember when my batwing abaya was too transparent for my standards, she offered to send me an abaya free of charge. She will try her best to cater to your needs and she is also very honest and humble. May Allah bless her and make her better than I think of her ameen!

PROS
- lightweight
- durable (can be washed and put in the dryer)
- no pilling or snagging
- many different colours, a nice variety
- pockets
- perfect length
- handmade from Morocco
- great customer service

CONS
- the elastic on the wrist is too loose
- I would like the XL to fit like an XXL
- the zipper is too close to my neck, could be longer and lower
- though items are affordable, shipping is expensive because it is based on weight so it all adds up once you check-out
- the batwing abaya you CAN'T wear a coat or a cross over shoulder bag because the abaya will hike up and show your ankles.
-I'm not a fan of the batwing abaya and you can't roll the sleeves up to make wudu

So many things to ponder. So many things to wonder.

I often wonder a lot about the wisdom behind all this. I really wonder what Allah is setting me up for in the near future. Not knowing the unseen can seem to be very frustrating and can cause a  lot of anxiety but I guess this is the hit or miss lesson where we either learn how to gain tawwakul (reliance and trust upon Allah) or we fail and end up wallowing in our self-pity and missing the whole point of the tests and trials of life. The latter was me for quite some time. It took me a while to get out of my self-pity and to be honest, sometimes I still fall into it. I guess it is part of being a human being right? We always want to take the easier way out and being negative is just easier than fighting to stay positive.

I know that one day I may realize and know the wisdom behind Allah's tests and trials that He has put me through/in. But it is so hard to fit all the pieces together when you are in a situation that is not in your favour. My vision becomes blurry and my judgment becomes clouded. Sometimes I think the angels do not surround me often when I am living here because of all the photographs, the idols, and all the shirk thus I hide myself in my room (the only place with no pictures or statues lol)  as much as I can and limit my interaction with my parents because it is the only way to keep the home in a neutral position. I can't deny that I do feel negative vibes around me often and it is obvious that there are many shayateen around my parent's place. The reasons are obvious and I know I could blame my external situation for my internal peace but I decided that I can't do that. I know that I am responsible for my own self and my own actions. If I am not feeling positive, it is because of my deficiencies and weaknesses. As much as I would love to blame my physical surroundings for my mental state of mind (and know that I am guilty many times for this) , I know that I need to dig deeper into my heart and find that inner peace which can bring me solace.

Don't get me wrong, however, I do allow myself to get into these phases where I become straight up sad and extremely discouraged with life. I allow myself to get to the deepest and darkest realm of these negative feelings because it helps me realise that not only am I human, but also it reminds me just how temporary this dunya truly is. It serves as a reminder that I need to really work harder on myself because I am allowing my external situation get the better of me. If I allow this to control my state of mind and my soul, then it means that I am missing the whole point of learning how to understand and practise tawakkul and sabr.

I remember Ibn Taymiyyah (rahimuAllah) and how he was in jail and even though his external circumstances were not ideal, he made the most of it and it became in his favour. He considered being jailed as a blessing because he was able to focus on the deen and subhana'Allah, he became one of the most prominent scholars up until this day! I know that I cannot follow in his footsteps to dedicate my life to studying the religion because I just don't have it in me at the present moment and I remember those days I used to study, study, study Islam and it consumed me and at the end it burnt me out and I left it altogether. I find that being moderate and taking small steps to get to bigger goals works best for me. I realised that I cannot compare myself to those who are greater and as much as they inspire me, I just don't have that drive to want to become like them. I mean, it doesn't mean that I won't make a conscious effort in trying to reach that level (and if Allah wills maybe one day I will benefit others in the deen like how our great scholars have) but that just seems something totally far fetched to me (lol) and I don't have that desire either. #REALTALK.

I think a lot of us need to be honest with ourselves. It is good to set goals for ourselves, realistic goals. I know that I am not the academic type and studying for me is such a chore. I am still on my journey to figuring out what things I enjoy doing and what things I can offer to benefit others in the way of Allah.

I really encourage others to do the same. To discover what kind of gifts and talents Allah has blessed you with so that you can use them in His way and to guide others to the religion using your gifts. I feel like when you are able to do that, no problems of yours will be too big to overcome because you have a fallback. You have something Allah gave you and you can use that to your advantage to help others and to help yourself get over your obstacles. I feel like finding your talent and your gift from Allah is something that can help you when you are going through trials and test. It will take time to figure it all out and it does require a trial and error approach.

Even to this day, I am still trying to figure out what my passions are and how they can bring me happiness and true joy while I can also utilize it for the sake of Allah. I truly believe that using your talents and gifts that Allah has blessed you with for his sake, will truly help you and guide you to goodness and happiness within. I think this is what we need in order to help give us ease during those hardships. There are countless videos and articles online related to treating depression by doing good deeds and helping others. Subhana'Allah this is what the non-Muslims have figured out and studies have proved that this theory works. Can you imagine as a Muslim, we can do what we love in order to please Allah and at the same time it benefits others? And we get rewarded for it and it does not go to waste! This is why it is important to discover that hobby, that passion, that special skill that Allah has given us and use it to our advantage because it is the cure to all sadness!

So many things to learn on this journey to the Akhirah eh? Some day we will realise the wisdom behind what Allah has written for us, and maybe we will never know what was intended behind all our pain, struggles and sufferings in this dunya. As hard as that may be to accept, we have to always remind ourselves about what the purpose of this life truly is. This dunya was never made to make us feel comfortable and settled. It was never meant to make us feel safe and protected. The dunya is only made to test us and show us that all the feelings we have for it, all the attachments we develop for it is only temporary and just how shaytan will abandon us on the day of judgement and so will the dunya. Why should we attach ourselves to something that will leave us?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in the end, Allah is the only one who is with us always- even though we may not feel it at times, He is always with us. He is the only one we should turn to in times of ease and in times of need. I know we are all aware of this because that is what tawheed is, but when we are faced with difficulties and even when there is nothing but ease, trying to remember that Allah is with us can be difficult. Especially when we keep making duaa and increasing in good deeds yet we do not see any results of our duaas being answered! I know exactly how you feel and believe me, it is something that I really struggle with.

It is so easy to get caught up with the life of this world, I often get so caught up with it too that I forget that all this pain and suffering is not in vain and it is all for my own good. All the pain and suffering we go through in this life is nothing compared to that of the Akhirah (may Allah protect us ameen!) and whenever you feel like you can't go on further in life, use that moment of weakness to think about the many gifts and talents that you possess and use them to your advantage and use them to get close to Allah.

I used to sit and wait for life to fall into place, but I realised that life waits for NOBODY! The more I sit and wait around, the more depressed I get. So I decided to start writing again and here I am. Documenting my struggles and my hardships hoping that it can reach out to just a few of you, letting you know that you are not alone with your thoughts or your sadness. Allah is with you, you just have to bear a little more, a little longer and soon, soon you will taste the beautiful sweetness of ease and joy.

I too, am waiting for that day. Until then, keep busy and hold on tight.

I guess since my most recent posts, I have been able to find some solace in expressing myself through writing and sharing with others my struggles. Even though nobody has really reached out to me (except for my friends who I know personally), it feels comforting to know that somebody..anybody...somewhere in the world can understand my pain and can relate one way or another. It is nice to know that I am not alone, even though I feel very alone with my thoughts and with what I am going through, I know that somewhere close to home, there is someone going through difficult times and struggling to stay positive each and every day.

My life as a convert has definitely not been an easy one. In fact, I have experienced more hardships and difficulties while I became Muslim compared to my life when I was a non-Muslim. Life as a non-Muslim was so much easier! I could drink away my problems, I could listen to music to drown the negative thoughts, I could easily go and party away the night just to forget about things until the next day! I basically drowned myself with distractions to help me get over life and all it's problems temporarily. But now, now I can't do things like that because when I reflect on how that toxic lifestyle made me feel and how it brought me nowhere in life but down, I realize that detrimental lifestyle was slowly killing my life within. I made rash decisions, I had no morals and values and I treated life like a game. 

But now, now I am faced with reality. Life has pushed itself in front of my face and it won't move. I am face to face with life and I can't push it away with this or that. I must deal with it in a way that I am not used to. I must deal with it in a way that I am not sure how because before Islam, I only knew one way, and that was the easy way out. I would follow the exit sign and just run, run, run.

Today, I can't do that. I made a conscious choice in my life and I dedicated myself to those choices . I made a commitment and though I have had problems committing to many things in the past, this I knew was something different. This was a commitment that I needed in my life and it was something I knew would benefit me in the long hull. Islam is a commitment for a better life, a better me.  I will be honest with myself though, during hardships, it is hard to see beyond my distorted vision of reality that Islam is meant to help me get through my life's biggest challenges. Sometimes I feel like things are only getting worse and not better even though I strive and I strive and I try to fulfill my obligations as a Muslimah. I wonder and I think "is all this pain and suffering even worth it?" I know some who read this will not understand and I know others who read this will understand because after all, we are human. I guess things have to get worse before they get better right? That is how we learn and grow in life.

I feel exhausted , honestly, I am so tired. Sometimes when things just don't get better, you start to become discouraged. I feel like my life is very stagnant right now and I am feeling frustrated. I don't know if it is because I keep expecting change to come soon - happy change. Maybe because I expect something in a certain time frame and when nothing happens, I become disappointed. I then remember that everything happens when Allah wants it to. As hard as it is to accept, this is something I have to really believe and understand. When I try to look at the big picture, I think to myself - "hey, it has only been nearly two years right? It is not THAT long!" but then I think about my situation and who I am living with and how even one month living here feels like an eternity. Though time has gone by so fast subhana'Allah, it feels like it has stood still.

My 2011 new Muslim self would have told my current Muslim self that I should utilize all this time to learn and read and watch lectures and attend dars and spend every sleeping, waking moment studying and learning about the deen. But my current Muslim self would have told my then 2011 new Muslim self that you are going to end up burning yourself out and everything will become a burden to you. This did happen and I am just starting to learn how to balance the deen in a moderate manner. 

It is also hard for me to listen to lectures while living with my non-Muslim parents because the dynamics of our relationship will just cause more speculations and assumptions with my deen and I don't have a close enough relationship where I could explain to them "see I am now listening to a lecture about patience and gratitude." There are many things I struggle with while living at home . I am constantly surrounded by endless backbiting and gossiping. I am constantly surrounded by negativity and blame. Things that come easily to most Muslims, are extremely foreign to my parents and explaining things to them will just probably end up in an argument or they just won't understand. Maybe it is the language barrier, or maybe they just hear what I say but don't actually listen. My ears have become immune to music because they love to watch things with music and Chinese singing competitions (lol). Alhamdulillah at least I don't understand what the songs say but shaytan loves these kinds of fasiq things so it just is an open invitation always for the shaytan! I mean even in a Muslim household the shaytan wants to creep up uninvited, so you can only imagine living with non-Muslim parents who have tons of idols and photos everywhere! 

I keep to my room the majority of the time and I choose my conversations wisely because that is the kind of relationship I have with my parents - a surface one. There are tons of unresolved issues and grudges that brew deep down inside of them and myself so that is why it is such a toxic environment if I surround myself too much with them. Many people have suggested that I try this and that or do such and such but I have certain guidelines and restrictions that I choose to place on myself because I know what kind of fitnah those other options could bring therefore I do not want to resort to them and basically I have to outweigh my pros and cons. So I am stuck here and this is my life living with non-Muslim parents. 

This is what a lot of converts go through. We are stuck with our parents and if they don't oppress us with our religion, they oppress us in one way or another. Most have to endure humiliation, constant opposition and some are even kicked out of their homes with nowhere to go. Is there support from the community? From what I have noticed, not really. We really need to reach out to the new Muslims and even the born Muslims. It is just a matter of time until people start leaving Islam, and many are already choosing that path, Muslim converts and born Muslims! How scary is that thought? But can you blame them? Many convert to Islam, hoping to be welcomed into the community but only to be judged, abandoned and disregarded! How do you expect anyone to hold onto the deen when there is absolutely no support aside from the congrats and the hugs they receive after they proclaim their faith to Allah?! 

Everyone is too focused on themselves and their own problems- which is understandable to some degree. But this is unacceptable and since I have lived here I noticed that a lot of people are so self- centered (even if they don't do it intentionally) and they will initially be concerned with how you are doing, but then they just end up being busy with life and they forget about you. Of course alhamdulillah there ARE some sisters who really make that effort and they do go above and beyond and alhamdulillah Allah has blessed me with some. But for other converts, they have nobody. They really are all alone and they have no support whatsoever. So how can we blame them and judge them when we find out they left Islam? Please reach out to those new Muslims in your area, not only will you have relief on the day of judgment for relieving one of your sisters in Islam in the dunya, but you will also carry the reward of any good deeds that they do! 

“A Muslim is a brother of (another) Muslim, he neither wrongs him nor does hand him over to one who does him wrong. If anyone fulfills his brother’s needs, Allah will fulfill his needs; if one relieves a Muslim of his troubles, Allah will relieve his troubles on the Day of Resurrection…” [Bukhari and Muslim].



Life I tell ya, it is so exhausting. I'm still on this journey and every day I am constantly reminded of just how frustrating, tiring, and annoying this dunya is. Nothing will ever go the way I want it to and things never last - even though at this very moment, this pain and frustration feels like it will never go away. But I know that sadness, depression , happiness,  joy,  etc.. all those things come and go. Even though I am constantly experiencing only sadness and frustration, I guess some day, I will finally experience happiness and joy ...because that is what Allah promises right? 

Some days are better than others and some days I just choose to bury these feelings inside of me deep somewhere within. I feel like these feelings will never disappear, they just become numb and forgotten for short periods of time- well better than nothing right? I'm trying to stay positive. I have stopped expecting people to be there for me and even though I have friends who try their best to be supportive and encouraging, at the end of the day they have their own family and their own problems to deal with. They are not always there when I really need them- and I have accepted this and that is just part of life. It just proves to us that the only One who will always be with us no matter what is Allah. 

As for now, this journey is mine and mine alone and even though I feel like nobody will ever know how I feel and what I am going through except for myself (because our hardships are our own and nobody really will ever understand), I know that Allah is the only one who knows what is going on in my heart, my head and He knows my situation because He put me in it in the first place. Even though I may not feel that Allah is with me at times, I know deep down that I must continue to believe and hold on and if He put me in it, He will get me through and out of it (insha'Allah)....as hard as that is to believe right now.  I must remember that commitment I made to myself and how I could choose the easy way out which would cause more harm in this life and the next or I could choose the hard way through which will hopefully bring about happiness and joy in this life and the next. 

Which one would you choose?

I felt like I should have done this a long time ago, and it only dawned on me now but since my most recent post, I felt that it really helped me in certain ways and I felt like writing again, because why not right? No pressure on myself and no commitment. Since this has been such a journey, I thought I would just turn my thoughts into chapters.

The more I feel obligated to post on my blog, the more it deters me away. Whenever I am forced to do something, I always feel like the enjoyment factor is taken out of the activity. For example, whenever I plan for Ramadan or have a schedule that I MUST stick to, I always end up failing and then I feel upset with myself because I was unable to follow the schedule whereas when I just improvise and go with the flow, I tend to become more productive and that is when I am at my most comfortable and creative state! Is anyone else like that too?

ANYWAY ,

So after my most recent post , after what felt like half a decade before I decided to resurface! I was thinking about my life and where I am currently since I converted to Islam. Honestly, where I am in my life at 2017 compared to where I THOUGHT I would be now back in 2011 is definitely not what I ever imagined or expected. I thought by now I would have had a family of my own and other parts of my life would have been sorted out by now. But none of that has happened and I am back to where I was physically 7 years ago. Stuck at home with my parents lol. This situation really does bring back a lot of memories for me. As mentioned in my previous post, a lot of my childhood consisted of emotional, physical, and mental abuse. Mainly because I am an only child and my parents only knew from what their culture taught them: raise children with strict discipline, beat them with no mercy and show no affection or love. Even to this day, I will never be able to talk to them about things that bother me or things that I want to do in my life for fear of being judged or using my failures against me or just being blamed for everything I do or don't do. It is definitely a toxic environment and extremely draining mentally and emotionally. That is why I never lived at home much during my young adult life because I just couldn't deal with that feeling of being a prisoner in my own home. I am definitely feeling again like a prisoner in my own home, maybe not physically but definitely mentally and emotionally. It is a struggle each and every day to have to live accordingly without compromising my deen. So that is why during my non-Muslim days, I would just live my life the way I knew how to and I would drown my sorrows and troubles with listening to music, partying and staying out of the house until dawn. I ran away from my problems and I wanted instant relief and I would do anything to get it.

The reason why I am writing about this is that I realized why I am struggling and having a hard time dealing with these current hardships. It is because, this time, I have to face my problems and there is no running away from them nor is there a quick relief for them. Even though things are somewhat different, things are still the same from 7+ years (living with my parents who still treat me like i'm 12) I now have to deal with my problems head on and there is no quick fix for it AT all. This is what is so frustrating and this is why I am having a difficult time. Never before in my life did I have to face my problems, I always found a quick fix around them or I would just simply run away from them and forget about them until they crept up on me again and then I would just complete the same vicious cycle over and over. Though the problems will not go away until Allah wills them to, I guess this whole experience is to help me gain sabr and to help me grow emotionally- 'growing pains', if you will.

A week ago, in the halaqah I attended, we talked about how to develop emotional intelligence, how do we grow emotionally and learn how to have a healthy balance with our emotions. It made me think about myself. I realized from a young age I really had a lot of pain and suffering emotionally because nobody was really there for me when I needed them the most. I would cry to anybody who would listen but most of the time I would jot my thoughts down on paper and writing became my release. I only knew of negative emotions and I am now trying to find that balance and not let the negativity take over my mind and my heart.

From that halaqah, I concluded that this whole life lesson is to help me develop more sabr and to help me grow emotionally. Though my emaan may be weak at the moment and holding on to faith and hope at this point in my life is something that doesn't come easy, I know this is because I am going through growing pains. I guess because I ran away from everything for the whole of my life and I always found instant temporary relief for my problems, I am not used to this new concept of actually facing your reality rather than running away from it. I am starting to believe this is what Allah wants me to learn. I am convinced that this is the only way I can mature spiritually as well as emotionally. Even though it is something I hate, I try to remind myself that, "But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you, and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not" (2:216) and even though I have a hard time accepting this, I know deep down that everything I go through, good or bad, there is good in it whether I believe it or not at the time. It is not easy you know. Struggling to accept the qadr of Allah and to know that whatever you go through, it is what you need in your life at this exact moment. Whatever you are going through is where you should be right now. This is what was written for you and this is what you need to accept. Even though many of us, myself included, believe this with our tongues, it is another thing to actually believe it with our hearts. I find myself often saying " yes, I am aware, yes, I know" but then sometimes I find my actions completely opposite. And this is where I struggle. 

In 2011, I found myself going through a lot of ease. The first three years as a Muslim, I spent most of my days learning about the deen and preaching to others what I learned. I was very active online and had many of my own online community friends who would follow me trying to enjoin good. A few years later, reality hit me and the verse "Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: "We believe," and will not be tested." (29:2) fully hit me and now I am learning to fight the battle instead of running away from it. Although there are just so many times where I wish I could just hide from everything- but where would I hide anyway? 

I look back at myself then compared to now and I feel like I was so naive. Being a Muslimah back then was such a simple task. It was a simple routine of eat, sleep, pray. But now, now I am learning the true meaning of living as a Muslimah in this dunya. Tests upon tests, hardships upon hardships. In 2014, real life started to happen and since then, every day remains a struggle. I strongly believe that these tests will never end until I return to Allah, and even then, there is the trials of the grave and the questioning on The Day. 

At the halaqah, it was mentioned that the happiest Muslim woman is the one who lives her life remembering the Last Day and how she will return to her Lord. Living your life like this will fill your soul with richness. I strongly believe this and I wish some day I can get over the reality of this life and transcend to that level, but until then each day remains a struggle to remember and live up to my identity as a Muslimah. 

I am trying to accept that life isn't always measured by the material successes in your life ( marriage, children, career, etc) but it is based on your inner self and how you can be content with your internal centre even if your external circumstances are not in your favour. My external circumstances are nowhere in my favour right now (except Alhamdulillah I rather be in Toronto than USA ANY DAY! ) and my challenges in life is to learn how to be content with what I have and to be content with who I am so that whatever external challenges that come my way, I can accept them and learn how to deal with them. 
Maybe I am a slow learner and maybe everyone else has this figured out but me, but I guess it is a start right? I can finally say life, ain't easy. There have been so many times I wanted to just give up but alhamdulillah, Islam has helped me find my way no matter how lost this dunya makes me feel. It has not been easy and I know now that life will never get easier, it is only us who learn to adapt and change our outlook on life thus allowing us to become better and stronger in facing the reality of this fleeting, temporary life.

Sigh.