People are moving on with their lives yet I am still at a standstill. Sometimes this makes me feel sad and other times it makes me dig a little deeper into my realm of existence. As people are busy with the external aspects of life, I am busy with my internal aspects of life. All this time has allowed me to figure out who I am not only as a Muslimah, but as a human being.

 I guess I can say that all this time alone has given me the opportunity to really understand and learn what it is like to live life as a Muslimah. I feel like if I started a family early on and lived that "family life" like everyone else, I would have been too caught up with my external surroundings and totally would have neglected my Self- wa Allahu 'Alim.

I think being an only child has really helped me connect with My Self. It has forced me to become very introspective and because I always had/have time alone, it has allowed me to get in touch with myself. It has allowed me to reflect and respond to my inner cries, my inner struggles, and my inner aspirations.

Growing up, I was always very social. I enjoyed interacting with others and I always thought going out with friends or going to family gatherings was something exciting. At that time, being alone was something boring to me and I would romanticize the idea of being busy running around from point A to B meeting X, Y, and Z. Just thinking about that in my head right now makes me feel exhausted!
In high school I always envied the busy bodies and I always wanted to have a very active social life. I couldn't because I lived too far away from my school and my parents were quite overprotective. So when I was more independent, I went all out and made myself into that socialite that I longed to become.

That life was so exhausting. People became exhausting to me and I began to embrace that low key life I once had in high school. How funny is it that when I had what I wanted, I didn't want it anymore?! I was all partied out and I preferred to just spend my time with one or two friends doing something that required very minimal effort. I didn't like big groups of people and even though I could socialize and people often mistook me for an extroverted social butterfly, I actually preferred to stay home and be away from annoying humans. I just recently found out that this is what we call "introverted."

When I first became Muslim, I somehow forgot that I was a natural introvert because all I wanted to do was meet new Muslims. I thought that going to social gatherings was something that I really enjoyed doing. It turns out, after a while, I retracted back into my introvert shell.

Since I have been back in Toronto, I have embraced that fact that I am an introvert. Loud people annoy me, big groups overwhelm me, and long hours of being out exhaust me. I prefer to be at home in my room and keeping to myself. I don't have to answer to anybody (except my parents lol) and I can do whatever I want, whenever I want and nobody can bother me (unless I allow them to). I am an introvert and I am proud to be one.

Being an introvert has many beautiful benefits and it is only these past (almost) two years that I have realized what a blessing it is to just enjoy your own company, without all the outside noise (well literally in my parent's place there is a lot of noise but I have learned to drown it out). When you can just sit and think about life and reflect upon yourself and your actions, it really allows one for self growth.

At first I thought that spending too much time by myself and being "idle" would make me more depressed because I would focus only on the negative aspects of my life.
For a long while, this is exactly what happened and I would drown myself in my own self misery. I would compare myself to other's lives and feel sorry for my own "boring", "lonely" life. Of course, I am not free from that still (lol) as I am a human being so weak by nature that it is only normal that I will retract into this from time to time, but Alhamdulillah, Allah has helped me along the way and allowed me to see the benefit in being alone.

I now realise that being an only child has really benefited me in more ways than I can imagine. It has allowed me to realise that I can turn loneliness into solitude. Solitude for me has become solace. It has allowed me to hold myself accountable for my actions. It has allowed me to reflect upon life. It has allowed me to embrace and enjoy my own company. It has made me realise that at the end of the day, I will return to Allah alone. Nobody will be in that grave with me and nobody will be standing beside me on the Day of Reckoning. It will just be me, myself, and I with my Lord.

Alhamdulillah, by the Mercy of Allah, I have found the advantages and full benefits of being an only child and they all work in my favour - Allahumma Barik. Of course there are sometimes disadvantages because I can easily detach myself from others and because I seem to put my needs before anyone else, I may come off as selfish or self-centered. But to be honest, I feel like we all need to treat ourselves sometimes like we are only children (even when we are not) because it is only then when we focus on ourselves and keep ourselves in check that we can live an effective life as a Muslim.

Don't get me wrong, though, I do wish sometimes that I had a big family and children of my own because as busy as that kind of life can get, it does have its rewards and benefits as well. But because this is what Allah has given me, and even though I saw it as a negative thing for a long while, I have come to embrace it and accept it thanks to Allah. Through the pain, the tears and the sadness that I experienced by myself, Allah allowed me to see the benefits of being in the current situation that I am in.

I always had low self- esteem and self confidence issues because I thought acceptance comes from other people and from my external environment. But as I spend more time alone, I realise that, as cliche as it sounds, acceptance comes from within. When you accept who you are, that is when you are able to make the necessary adjustments you need in order to be a better Muslimah. Often times we think that we have to become better for the people around us but when we do that, we will only end up in failure. When we know ourselves, then we can get to know Allah and once we know Allah we can be a better sister, daughter, mother, wife, and friend. We cannot know Allah before we get to know ourselves because if you think about it, it was only through me knowing myself that I was able to open myself up to knowing Allah and finding Islam and knowing it was the true religion; I knew my life was empty, I knew the parties and drinking were destroying me, and I knew that there was something more to life. It was because I knew these things about myself that brought me to Allah and Islam.

Sometimes we just need to connect with ourselves by ourselves for ourselves because at the end of the day, nobody will do that for us. Using the excuses I once used to use, " I don't have a strong Muslim community near me", "there are no good Muslims around me", " I live in a non Muslim country" are not sufficient enough. Do you see the way the prophets used to struggle when all there were were non Muslims around? They did not live in the luxury of many Muslims at the beginning of their journeys of spreading Islam! Our connection with Allah does not rely on the people around us because as I mentioned, on the day of Judgement, we will be alone before Allah and in the grave, we will also be alone. Who can we rely on then?

Every time I write these posts I want to remind you all that I DO struggle, I DO cry, I DO feel sad and I DO fall into despair.
Sometimes it may read as if I have everything all figured out and that I got it together. That is not the case at all. I struggle each and every single day. Even as I write this, my emaan is struggling. I do not want you to think that I am some strong Muslimah who has the best relationship with Allah.
The only reason I write is because it makes me feel better and it helps me organize my thoughts. I write because I want others to know that my situation has forced me to dig deeper within and to try to find coping methods so I don't wallow in self pity. It has forced me to look at the positive aspects of my life even though many times I feel like there are none.

I feel it is important that I express this because a lot of the times, when we read people's blogs or we are on social media, we think that the person behind the screen is someone who does not struggle or go through hardships. We think that they are some pious person who knows how to deal with life. Well, that is not me and I don't ever want anyone thinking that is how I deal with life. You do not see what goes on behind this screen and you do not know what kind of challenges I have to face. So whenever you read any of my posts, please take it at a surface level. If you can benefit from it or it makes you reflect upon your own life, then alhamdulillah- ultimately this is my goal.

I wish that everyone who reads my posts will always be honest with themselves and ask themselves the same questions that I have been forced to ask myself during these challenging times. Do not wait until it is too late and do not keep making excuses for yourself because at the end of the day, your life will pass you by before you know it and as soon as your busy life slows down, you might be hit all of a sudden with all these things you never thought deserved any attention. When that happens, it may break you and you may not know how to deal with your life. That has happened too many times to the people around me and because they neglected themselves for so long, they fall into severe depression. Do not let yourself get to that point. Always try to find time to reflect and be alone with yourself even if it is for 20 minutes a day. Hold yourself accountable and be responsible for your relationship with yourself and with Allah.

Annoying people exist. They are everywhere and they come in different shapes and sizes. They can be people you meet for only a minute or they can be living under the same roof as you. Annoying people exist and they are as real as it gets.

I am an only child so I have always been used to spending a lot of time by myself. When I was young I used to enjoy being social and making a lot of new friends. I was never a cliquey person because I liked to have different groups of friends. Different groups of friends meant diversity and I liked (still do ) diversity. I never liked boring. I was like this up until my adult life until shortly after I became Muslim. When I first became Muslim, I wanted to meet as many sisters as I could and I became super social and wanted to attend gatherings. The revert-zeal I guess you could call it. But then things changed and socializing became exhausting.

Lately, I had an epiphany and realised though I may be a sociable being who is outgoing, at the end of the day I prefer to be alone. I am a sociable, outgoing introvert. Is that an oxymoron?

In Islam, good character, and manners are the keys to success in this life and the next. The importance of good etiquette and good manners is something highly valued in Islam. 

Growing up, I never really had good character or manners because the household that I am currently living in, never really showed me otherwise. Though I was told to have good manners, I was never shown good character and manners. There is a big difference between the two, especially if you are young and impressionable and vulnerable to your surroundings. You are basically copycatting what you see around you! So I just copied what I saw and called it a day. I was not born with good character and so this has been something I have been working hard on to improve. Especially now being around my family, I feel like I have to work even harder to not fall back into the way I once was!

I have struggled to try my best to tolerate and accept annoying people and try to put myself in their shoes. I think to myself, " maybe they are annoying for a good reason! "  It usually has a lot to do with upbringing and lack of confidence or TOO MUCH confidence. I guess parents have a lot to do with why a person is a certain way or why they aren't a certain way right? Afterall, look at me!

Then I think to myself, what if I am annoying and I just don't know it? What if what I see in others, others see in me (and don't take this the wrong way as in I don't exercise husnl dhun lol) ? Well, I guess that is why I prefer to be an observationalist rather than to be that overbearing individual who doesn't let anybody speak or who has to rebuke anything and everything someone says! Or those who seem to always talk about nothing else but themselves and anytime they ask you a question, and you answer, they totally disregard what you say and then talk about themselves. Or the super sarcastic individual who (enter sarcastic joke that is out of context and makes no sense -here) makes some comment and you are just thinking to yourself "HUH??". Oh, and don't forget the judgemental type! You can't eat or sleep without being judged. And those who meddle in your business and make you feel awkward. Or those who are way too open and speak everything on their mind and tell you flaws about yourself that you never asked them to bring up - thanks a lot.

I mean, I am sure I fall into these categories of annoying people from time to time and it is always important to reflect upon my own actions and hold myself accountable and ask myself, " was I annoying today? Was I being that overbearing controlling conversationalist who wouldn't let anyone speak and I only talked about myself?" I am sure I have been THAT  person on several occasions and when I think about it, I think to myself "ew." and head back to the drawing board and figure out what it is I need to work on.

I guess that is why I have become such an introvert and prefer to be alone. It gives me time to reflect. Even though the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The believer who mixes with people and patiently bears their annoyance will have a greater reward than the believer who does not mix with people and patiently bears their annoyance” (Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 2035), I prefer to be alone because I enjoy quiet and too much noise around exhausts me. Don't get me wrong, as I mentioned before, I do like to socialise and I am considered outgoing, but at the end of the day, I do prefer to just relax in my room and engage in some hobbies that allow me to enjoy time with myself. I think it is important that we all take the time to ourselves and reflect upon who we are today and who we want to be at the end of the day. We focus too much on others but we really need to focus on ourselves and make it a point to work on our character and manners. 

My honest review for my abayat from Tasnim Collections is long overdue! I have two from Tasnim that are pretty much my go-to for daily wear. I have one in the Grape Burgundy and Dark Teal and both are lightweight material. I also had a batwing one which I gave to my friend because I couldn't stand the hiking up of the sides every time I wore a jacket/coat or a cross over shoulder bag. It really annoyed me and I couldn't roll the sleeves up to make wudhu! If you don't care about all those things then go for it! But the batwing abayas are NOT for me. I have not tried the medium weight material but the light weight material works best for me. It is flowy and breathable and the material is very good quality.

I am able to throw it in the wash as often as I like AND I can put it in the dryer without any pilling, snagging or shrinkage. Compared to other online places I have purchsed from, the material of my Tasnim abayat seems to be quite durable. I also LOVE the pockets ! This style of abaya is thrown over the head and then there is a zipper in the middle that starts maybe about mid chest level. I do suggest that the zipper could zip up a little lower from the neck because I always find the neckline riding up too high on my neck when zipped (lol). Also, I would recommend that the sleeves have some sort of controlled lycra/spandex cuff because sometimes the wrist part will ride up exposing some of my wrists. It IS wudu friendly, though (depending which abaya you get). I had a batwing abaya from Tasnim back in 2013 and the wrist part was cuffed but not with an elastic material so making wudu WAS a problem because the sleeves could not roll up. Not sure if they fixed the issue but I do recommend that they look into that.

I have also a black long hijab from Tasnim and so far the material is lightweight and has not snagged ( I don't know what will happen if I wash it- I usually wash my hijabs in a pillow case because let's be real, who has time to handwash all our hijabs?) I love the coverage and length of the hijab! It is very flowy and does not feel slippery.

I highly recommend Tasnim Collections as one of my top go-to places for modest wear. Every time I wear my abaya I have gotten at least one person asking me where I got my abaya!

Below are the PROS and CONS as well as a picture of the abaya I currently have and the description and measurements from their website. I really hope to try the Khadijah jilbab someday, the only thing stopping me right now is paying $40 for shipping and shipping time can take up to 3-6 weeks. The tailor takes 7-20 days to finish the product and then an additional 3-15 days for shipping (of course this all depends on where you live). BUT I do love how it is handmade from Morocco, so you KNOW you are getting your garment made with care and attention.

If they can have some sort of incentive deals like, buy 1 get the other 50% then I will consider paying for shipping. Other than that, the items are affordable and very good quality and very durable. Oh and something definitely worth mentioning is GREAT customer service. The sister who is the owner of Tasnim is very kind and accommodating! I remember when my batwing abaya was too transparent for my standards, she offered to send me an abaya free of charge. She will try her best to cater to your needs and she is also very honest and humble. May Allah bless her and make her better than I think of her ameen!

PROS
- lightweight
- durable (can be washed and put in the dryer)
- no pilling or snagging
- many different colours, a nice variety
- pockets
- perfect length
- handmade from Morocco
- great customer service

CONS
- the elastic on the wrist is too loose
- I would like the XL to fit like an XXL
- the zipper is too close to my neck, could be longer and lower
- though items are affordable, shipping is expensive because it is based on weight so it all adds up once you check-out
- the batwing abaya you CAN'T wear a coat or a cross over shoulder bag because the abaya will hike up and show your ankles.
-I'm not a fan of the batwing abaya and you can't roll the sleeves up to make wudu

So many things to ponder. So many things to wonder.

I often wonder a lot about the wisdom behind all this. I really wonder what Allah is setting me up for in the near future. Not knowing the unseen can seem to be very frustrating and can cause a  lot of anxiety but I guess this is the hit or miss lesson where we either learn how to gain tawwakul (reliance and trust upon Allah) or we fail and end up wallowing in our self-pity and missing the whole point of the tests and trials of life. The latter was me for quite some time. It took me a while to get out of my self-pity and to be honest, sometimes I still fall into it. I guess it is part of being a human being right? We always want to take the easier way out and being negative is just easier than fighting to stay positive.

I know that one day I may realize and know the wisdom behind Allah's tests and trials that He has put me through/in. But it is so hard to fit all the pieces together when you are in a situation that is not in your favour. My vision becomes blurry and my judgment becomes clouded. Sometimes I think the angels do not surround me often when I am living here because of all the photographs, the idols, and all the shirk thus I hide myself in my room (the only place with no pictures or statues lol)  as much as I can and limit my interaction with my parents because it is the only way to keep the home in a neutral position. I can't deny that I do feel negative vibes around me often and it is obvious that there are many shayateen around my parent's place. The reasons are obvious and I know I could blame my external situation for my internal peace but I decided that I can't do that. I know that I am responsible for my own self and my own actions. If I am not feeling positive, it is because of my deficiencies and weaknesses. As much as I would love to blame my physical surroundings for my mental state of mind (and know that I am guilty many times for this) , I know that I need to dig deeper into my heart and find that inner peace which can bring me solace.

Don't get me wrong, however, I do allow myself to get into these phases where I become straight up sad and extremely discouraged with life. I allow myself to get to the deepest and darkest realm of these negative feelings because it helps me realise that not only am I human, but also it reminds me just how temporary this dunya truly is. It serves as a reminder that I need to really work harder on myself because I am allowing my external situation get the better of me. If I allow this to control my state of mind and my soul, then it means that I am missing the whole point of learning how to understand and practise tawakkul and sabr.

I remember Ibn Taymiyyah (rahimuAllah) and how he was in jail and even though his external circumstances were not ideal, he made the most of it and it became in his favour. He considered being jailed as a blessing because he was able to focus on the deen and subhana'Allah, he became one of the most prominent scholars up until this day! I know that I cannot follow in his footsteps to dedicate my life to studying the religion because I just don't have it in me at the present moment and I remember those days I used to study, study, study Islam and it consumed me and at the end it burnt me out and I left it altogether. I find that being moderate and taking small steps to get to bigger goals works best for me. I realised that I cannot compare myself to those who are greater and as much as they inspire me, I just don't have that drive to want to become like them. I mean, it doesn't mean that I won't make a conscious effort in trying to reach that level (and if Allah wills maybe one day I will benefit others in the deen like how our great scholars have) but that just seems something totally far fetched to me (lol) and I don't have that desire either. #REALTALK.

I think a lot of us need to be honest with ourselves. It is good to set goals for ourselves, realistic goals. I know that I am not the academic type and studying for me is such a chore. I am still on my journey to figuring out what things I enjoy doing and what things I can offer to benefit others in the way of Allah.

I really encourage others to do the same. To discover what kind of gifts and talents Allah has blessed you with so that you can use them in His way and to guide others to the religion using your gifts. I feel like when you are able to do that, no problems of yours will be too big to overcome because you have a fallback. You have something Allah gave you and you can use that to your advantage to help others and to help yourself get over your obstacles. I feel like finding your talent and your gift from Allah is something that can help you when you are going through trials and test. It will take time to figure it all out and it does require a trial and error approach.

Even to this day, I am still trying to figure out what my passions are and how they can bring me happiness and true joy while I can also utilize it for the sake of Allah. I truly believe that using your talents and gifts that Allah has blessed you with for his sake, will truly help you and guide you to goodness and happiness within. I think this is what we need in order to help give us ease during those hardships. There are countless videos and articles online related to treating depression by doing good deeds and helping others. Subhana'Allah this is what the non-Muslims have figured out and studies have proved that this theory works. Can you imagine as a Muslim, we can do what we love in order to please Allah and at the same time it benefits others? And we get rewarded for it and it does not go to waste! This is why it is important to discover that hobby, that passion, that special skill that Allah has given us and use it to our advantage because it is the cure to all sadness!

So many things to learn on this journey to the Akhirah eh? Some day we will realise the wisdom behind what Allah has written for us, and maybe we will never know what was intended behind all our pain, struggles and sufferings in this dunya. As hard as that may be to accept, we have to always remind ourselves about what the purpose of this life truly is. This dunya was never made to make us feel comfortable and settled. It was never meant to make us feel safe and protected. The dunya is only made to test us and show us that all the feelings we have for it, all the attachments we develop for it is only temporary and just how shaytan will abandon us on the day of judgement and so will the dunya. Why should we attach ourselves to something that will leave us?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in the end, Allah is the only one who is with us always- even though we may not feel it at times, He is always with us. He is the only one we should turn to in times of ease and in times of need. I know we are all aware of this because that is what tawheed is, but when we are faced with difficulties and even when there is nothing but ease, trying to remember that Allah is with us can be difficult. Especially when we keep making duaa and increasing in good deeds yet we do not see any results of our duaas being answered! I know exactly how you feel and believe me, it is something that I really struggle with.

It is so easy to get caught up with the life of this world, I often get so caught up with it too that I forget that all this pain and suffering is not in vain and it is all for my own good. All the pain and suffering we go through in this life is nothing compared to that of the Akhirah (may Allah protect us ameen!) and whenever you feel like you can't go on further in life, use that moment of weakness to think about the many gifts and talents that you possess and use them to your advantage and use them to get close to Allah.

I used to sit and wait for life to fall into place, but I realised that life waits for NOBODY! The more I sit and wait around, the more depressed I get. So I decided to start writing again and here I am. Documenting my struggles and my hardships hoping that it can reach out to just a few of you, letting you know that you are not alone with your thoughts or your sadness. Allah is with you, you just have to bear a little more, a little longer and soon, soon you will taste the beautiful sweetness of ease and joy.

I too, am waiting for that day. Until then, keep busy and hold on tight.

I guess since my most recent posts, I have been able to find some solace in expressing myself through writing and sharing with others my struggles. Even though nobody has really reached out to me (except for my friends who I know personally), it feels comforting to know that somebody..anybody...somewhere in the world can understand my pain and can relate one way or another. It is nice to know that I am not alone, even though I feel very alone with my thoughts and with what I am going through, I know that somewhere close to home, there is someone going through difficult times and struggling to stay positive each and every day.

My life as a convert has definitely not been an easy one. In fact, I have experienced more hardships and difficulties while I became Muslim compared to my life when I was a non-Muslim. Life as a non-Muslim was so much easier! I could drink away my problems, I could listen to music to drown the negative thoughts, I could easily go and party away the night just to forget about things until the next day! I basically drowned myself with distractions to help me get over life and all it's problems temporarily. But now, now I can't do things like that because when I reflect on how that toxic lifestyle made me feel and how it brought me nowhere in life but down, I realize that detrimental lifestyle was slowly killing my life within. I made rash decisions, I had no morals and values and I treated life like a game. 

But now, now I am faced with reality. Life has pushed itself in front of my face and it won't move. I am face to face with life and I can't push it away with this or that. I must deal with it in a way that I am not used to. I must deal with it in a way that I am not sure how because before Islam, I only knew one way, and that was the easy way out. I would follow the exit sign and just run, run, run.

Today, I can't do that. I made a conscious choice in my life and I dedicated myself to those choices . I made a commitment and though I have had problems committing to many things in the past, this I knew was something different. This was a commitment that I needed in my life and it was something I knew would benefit me in the long hull. Islam is a commitment for a better life, a better me.  I will be honest with myself though, during hardships, it is hard to see beyond my distorted vision of reality that Islam is meant to help me get through my life's biggest challenges. Sometimes I feel like things are only getting worse and not better even though I strive and I strive and I try to fulfill my obligations as a Muslimah. I wonder and I think "is all this pain and suffering even worth it?" I know some who read this will not understand and I know others who read this will understand because after all, we are human. I guess things have to get worse before they get better right? That is how we learn and grow in life.

I feel exhausted , honestly, I am so tired. Sometimes when things just don't get better, you start to become discouraged. I feel like my life is very stagnant right now and I am feeling frustrated. I don't know if it is because I keep expecting change to come soon - happy change. Maybe because I expect something in a certain time frame and when nothing happens, I become disappointed. I then remember that everything happens when Allah wants it to. As hard as it is to accept, this is something I have to really believe and understand. When I try to look at the big picture, I think to myself - "hey, it has only been nearly two years right? It is not THAT long!" but then I think about my situation and who I am living with and how even one month living here feels like an eternity. Though time has gone by so fast subhana'Allah, it feels like it has stood still.

My 2011 new Muslim self would have told my current Muslim self that I should utilize all this time to learn and read and watch lectures and attend dars and spend every sleeping, waking moment studying and learning about the deen. But my current Muslim self would have told my then 2011 new Muslim self that you are going to end up burning yourself out and everything will become a burden to you. This did happen and I am just starting to learn how to balance the deen in a moderate manner. 

It is also hard for me to listen to lectures while living with my non-Muslim parents because the dynamics of our relationship will just cause more speculations and assumptions with my deen and I don't have a close enough relationship where I could explain to them "see I am now listening to a lecture about patience and gratitude." There are many things I struggle with while living at home . I am constantly surrounded by endless backbiting and gossiping. I am constantly surrounded by negativity and blame. Things that come easily to most Muslims, are extremely foreign to my parents and explaining things to them will just probably end up in an argument or they just won't understand. Maybe it is the language barrier, or maybe they just hear what I say but don't actually listen. My ears have become immune to music because they love to watch things with music and Chinese singing competitions (lol). Alhamdulillah at least I don't understand what the songs say but shaytan loves these kinds of fasiq things so it just is an open invitation always for the shaytan! I mean even in a Muslim household the shaytan wants to creep up uninvited, so you can only imagine living with non-Muslim parents who have tons of idols and photos everywhere! 

I keep to my room the majority of the time and I choose my conversations wisely because that is the kind of relationship I have with my parents - a surface one. There are tons of unresolved issues and grudges that brew deep down inside of them and myself so that is why it is such a toxic environment if I surround myself too much with them. Many people have suggested that I try this and that or do such and such but I have certain guidelines and restrictions that I choose to place on myself because I know what kind of fitnah those other options could bring therefore I do not want to resort to them and basically I have to outweigh my pros and cons. So I am stuck here and this is my life living with non-Muslim parents. 

This is what a lot of converts go through. We are stuck with our parents and if they don't oppress us with our religion, they oppress us in one way or another. Most have to endure humiliation, constant opposition and some are even kicked out of their homes with nowhere to go. Is there support from the community? From what I have noticed, not really. We really need to reach out to the new Muslims and even the born Muslims. It is just a matter of time until people start leaving Islam, and many are already choosing that path, Muslim converts and born Muslims! How scary is that thought? But can you blame them? Many convert to Islam, hoping to be welcomed into the community but only to be judged, abandoned and disregarded! How do you expect anyone to hold onto the deen when there is absolutely no support aside from the congrats and the hugs they receive after they proclaim their faith to Allah?! 

Everyone is too focused on themselves and their own problems- which is understandable to some degree. But this is unacceptable and since I have lived here I noticed that a lot of people are so self- centered (even if they don't do it intentionally) and they will initially be concerned with how you are doing, but then they just end up being busy with life and they forget about you. Of course alhamdulillah there ARE some sisters who really make that effort and they do go above and beyond and alhamdulillah Allah has blessed me with some. But for other converts, they have nobody. They really are all alone and they have no support whatsoever. So how can we blame them and judge them when we find out they left Islam? Please reach out to those new Muslims in your area, not only will you have relief on the day of judgment for relieving one of your sisters in Islam in the dunya, but you will also carry the reward of any good deeds that they do! 

“A Muslim is a brother of (another) Muslim, he neither wrongs him nor does hand him over to one who does him wrong. If anyone fulfills his brother’s needs, Allah will fulfill his needs; if one relieves a Muslim of his troubles, Allah will relieve his troubles on the Day of Resurrection…” [Bukhari and Muslim].



Life I tell ya, it is so exhausting. I'm still on this journey and every day I am constantly reminded of just how frustrating, tiring, and annoying this dunya is. Nothing will ever go the way I want it to and things never last - even though at this very moment, this pain and frustration feels like it will never go away. But I know that sadness, depression , happiness,  joy,  etc.. all those things come and go. Even though I am constantly experiencing only sadness and frustration, I guess some day, I will finally experience happiness and joy ...because that is what Allah promises right? 

Some days are better than others and some days I just choose to bury these feelings inside of me deep somewhere within. I feel like these feelings will never disappear, they just become numb and forgotten for short periods of time- well better than nothing right? I'm trying to stay positive. I have stopped expecting people to be there for me and even though I have friends who try their best to be supportive and encouraging, at the end of the day they have their own family and their own problems to deal with. They are not always there when I really need them- and I have accepted this and that is just part of life. It just proves to us that the only One who will always be with us no matter what is Allah. 

As for now, this journey is mine and mine alone and even though I feel like nobody will ever know how I feel and what I am going through except for myself (because our hardships are our own and nobody really will ever understand), I know that Allah is the only one who knows what is going on in my heart, my head and He knows my situation because He put me in it in the first place. Even though I may not feel that Allah is with me at times, I know deep down that I must continue to believe and hold on and if He put me in it, He will get me through and out of it (insha'Allah)....as hard as that is to believe right now.  I must remember that commitment I made to myself and how I could choose the easy way out which would cause more harm in this life and the next or I could choose the hard way through which will hopefully bring about happiness and joy in this life and the next. 

Which one would you choose?

I felt like I should have done this a long time ago, and it only dawned on me now but since my most recent post, I felt that it really helped me in certain ways and I felt like writing again, because why not right? No pressure on myself and no commitment. Since this has been such a journey, I thought I would just turn my thoughts into chapters.

The more I feel obligated to post on my blog, the more it deters me away. Whenever I am forced to do something, I always feel like the enjoyment factor is taken out of the activity. For example, whenever I plan for Ramadan or have a schedule that I MUST stick to, I always end up failing and then I feel upset with myself because I was unable to follow the schedule whereas when I just improvise and go with the flow, I tend to become more productive and that is when I am at my most comfortable and creative state! Is anyone else like that too?

ANYWAY ,

So after my most recent post , after what felt like half a decade before I decided to resurface! I was thinking about my life and where I am currently since I converted to Islam. Honestly, where I am in my life at 2017 compared to where I THOUGHT I would be now back in 2011 is definitely not what I ever imagined or expected. I thought by now I would have had a family of my own and other parts of my life would have been sorted out by now. But none of that has happened and I am back to where I was physically 7 years ago. Stuck at home with my parents lol. This situation really does bring back a lot of memories for me. As mentioned in my previous post, a lot of my childhood consisted of emotional, physical, and mental abuse. Mainly because I am an only child and my parents only knew from what their culture taught them: raise children with strict discipline, beat them with no mercy and show no affection or love. Even to this day, I will never be able to talk to them about things that bother me or things that I want to do in my life for fear of being judged or using my failures against me or just being blamed for everything I do or don't do. It is definitely a toxic environment and extremely draining mentally and emotionally. That is why I never lived at home much during my young adult life because I just couldn't deal with that feeling of being a prisoner in my own home. I am definitely feeling again like a prisoner in my own home, maybe not physically but definitely mentally and emotionally. It is a struggle each and every day to have to live accordingly without compromising my deen. So that is why during my non-Muslim days, I would just live my life the way I knew how to and I would drown my sorrows and troubles with listening to music, partying and staying out of the house until dawn. I ran away from my problems and I wanted instant relief and I would do anything to get it.

The reason why I am writing about this is that I realized why I am struggling and having a hard time dealing with these current hardships. It is because, this time, I have to face my problems and there is no running away from them nor is there a quick relief for them. Even though things are somewhat different, things are still the same from 7+ years (living with my parents who still treat me like i'm 12) I now have to deal with my problems head on and there is no quick fix for it AT all. This is what is so frustrating and this is why I am having a difficult time. Never before in my life did I have to face my problems, I always found a quick fix around them or I would just simply run away from them and forget about them until they crept up on me again and then I would just complete the same vicious cycle over and over. Though the problems will not go away until Allah wills them to, I guess this whole experience is to help me gain sabr and to help me grow emotionally- 'growing pains', if you will.

A week ago, in the halaqah I attended, we talked about how to develop emotional intelligence, how do we grow emotionally and learn how to have a healthy balance with our emotions. It made me think about myself. I realized from a young age I really had a lot of pain and suffering emotionally because nobody was really there for me when I needed them the most. I would cry to anybody who would listen but most of the time I would jot my thoughts down on paper and writing became my release. I only knew of negative emotions and I am now trying to find that balance and not let the negativity take over my mind and my heart.

From that halaqah, I concluded that this whole life lesson is to help me develop more sabr and to help me grow emotionally. Though my emaan may be weak at the moment and holding on to faith and hope at this point in my life is something that doesn't come easy, I know this is because I am going through growing pains. I guess because I ran away from everything for the whole of my life and I always found instant temporary relief for my problems, I am not used to this new concept of actually facing your reality rather than running away from it. I am starting to believe this is what Allah wants me to learn. I am convinced that this is the only way I can mature spiritually as well as emotionally. Even though it is something I hate, I try to remind myself that, "But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you, and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not" (2:216) and even though I have a hard time accepting this, I know deep down that everything I go through, good or bad, there is good in it whether I believe it or not at the time. It is not easy you know. Struggling to accept the qadr of Allah and to know that whatever you go through, it is what you need in your life at this exact moment. Whatever you are going through is where you should be right now. This is what was written for you and this is what you need to accept. Even though many of us, myself included, believe this with our tongues, it is another thing to actually believe it with our hearts. I find myself often saying " yes, I am aware, yes, I know" but then sometimes I find my actions completely opposite. And this is where I struggle. 

In 2011, I found myself going through a lot of ease. The first three years as a Muslim, I spent most of my days learning about the deen and preaching to others what I learned. I was very active online and had many of my own online community friends who would follow me trying to enjoin good. A few years later, reality hit me and the verse "Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: "We believe," and will not be tested." (29:2) fully hit me and now I am learning to fight the battle instead of running away from it. Although there are just so many times where I wish I could just hide from everything- but where would I hide anyway? 

I look back at myself then compared to now and I feel like I was so naive. Being a Muslimah back then was such a simple task. It was a simple routine of eat, sleep, pray. But now, now I am learning the true meaning of living as a Muslimah in this dunya. Tests upon tests, hardships upon hardships. In 2014, real life started to happen and since then, every day remains a struggle. I strongly believe that these tests will never end until I return to Allah, and even then, there is the trials of the grave and the questioning on The Day. 

At the halaqah, it was mentioned that the happiest Muslim woman is the one who lives her life remembering the Last Day and how she will return to her Lord. Living your life like this will fill your soul with richness. I strongly believe this and I wish some day I can get over the reality of this life and transcend to that level, but until then each day remains a struggle to remember and live up to my identity as a Muslimah. 

I am trying to accept that life isn't always measured by the material successes in your life ( marriage, children, career, etc) but it is based on your inner self and how you can be content with your internal centre even if your external circumstances are not in your favour. My external circumstances are nowhere in my favour right now (except Alhamdulillah I rather be in Toronto than USA ANY DAY! ) and my challenges in life is to learn how to be content with what I have and to be content with who I am so that whatever external challenges that come my way, I can accept them and learn how to deal with them. 
Maybe I am a slow learner and maybe everyone else has this figured out but me, but I guess it is a start right? I can finally say life, ain't easy. There have been so many times I wanted to just give up but alhamdulillah, Islam has helped me find my way no matter how lost this dunya makes me feel. It has not been easy and I know now that life will never get easier, it is only us who learn to adapt and change our outlook on life thus allowing us to become better and stronger in facing the reality of this fleeting, temporary life.

Sigh.

I have almost been living in Toronto for two whole years now. By the end of this December, it will have been two years. I decided to finally surface since my last written post was in November.

A lot has happened as well as a whole lot of nothing. A whole lot of nothing in terms of I am still living here stuck with my non-Muslim parents and a lot has happened in terms of self-growth and self-realizations. I continue to struggle each and every day with learning about how to live a life as a Muslimah going through trials and hardships. I thought the hardships would subside a little once I got back to Toronto but let me tell you! It has been even harder since I moved back. My faith, trust, and hope in Allah have been tested every single day up until this point as I write. I have fallen into depression, despair, and disappointments over and over. So often that I find myself asking when, when will the help of Allah be near?

Sigh. 

 I know I am not the only one out there who is struggling to keep their head above the waters of the deep Dunya and this is why I am writing. I know somewhere out there, whoever (especially the converts) is reading this, is also going through tests with their faith and are struggling to get through each day. Somewhere out there is someone who is fighting to stay positive and even fulfilling their daily obligations feels heavy. I know I am not the only one. Even though it may seem that everyone I know around me is living happily with their lives and going on their days with ease, deep down they are struggling just as I am. I have learned through these hardships that NOTHING ever goes the way you want it to. Life never goes the way we imagine it to go. I realized how HARD it is to live as a Muslim with non-Muslim parents, especially if you are an only child who has been physically and psychologically abused by their parents at a young age (and still continue to undergo a mild form of psychological abuse).

For as long as I have been here, I have felt nothing but a prisoner who is emotionally and mentally oppressed. Living here has been nothing but exhausting. Subhana'Allah . There have been sporadic months where I have been able to come out of my depressive hole only to find myself going right back into it shortly after. To my convert brothers and sisters, I FEEL YA! I really really feel ya. Especially the dreaded day of Eid. Spending it alone and realizing just how depressing your life really is when you see posts of your friends with their big families enjoying big feasts for days. I know exactly how you feel. Of course, I have had many memorable moments while living here and they mostly happened OUTSIDE of the home. I have been able to truly enjoy my beautiful city with beautiful company but once I go back home, I am back to reality. Anything that happens inside the home is just always accompanied by a dark cloud over my head. I am exhausted and I really wonder when the help of Allah will come.

My emaan has been better since the US but it is always unstable because I find myself falling into sadness and despair quite often. Listen, I know and I keep reminding myself of all the ahadith and Quran verses of how Allah tests those He loves, Allah responds to the caller, Allah loves those who are patient, Jannah is not attained without going through hardship, hardships are an expiation of sins etc.... I am well aware of this and I am sure every other convert who is struggling is well aware of this as well. Being reminded of these things are essential in order to get through our struggles but what we don't understand is, it is easy to be sympathetic to others and offer advice that will only touch the surface but being EMPATHETIC is another story.

For once in my life, I know exactly how converts feel and what they go through. Since I was living away from my non-Muslim parents for nearly 5 years and I was with my husband, at that time, things were easier. Despite the fact I was living in a horrendous disgusting country, it was much easier than it is now.

Now I am full fledged living the life of a convert lol, without my husband and where I struggle daily to hold onto my emaan and to not let the terrible kuffar traits around me get a hold of me and take me down. I struggle to remain positive and I struggle to imagine that one day, just one day, I will be relieved from here and every suffering, every tear, every pain, and sorrow will be worth it. At this point in my life, instead of KNOWING that this will happen, I have only but a tiny glimmer of hope in me that THINKS this will happen. I know the hope should be much greater but I feel defeated at the moment. I know that Allah is with those who are patient, I know Allah is the only one who can help me get through this and out of this. I know that and I am well aware. But when you are thrown into difficult situations, that is when your faith is truly tested and to be able to strongly believe and apply what we know and learn about Allah and Islam is in itself, another test.

Sigh.

 As you read this, remember that  your advice may not resonate with the grieving heart. Your advice may not reach deep within the troubled soul. Your words may be comforting only to the ears but to the heart, they do not feel a thing. Until you show empathy and truly put yourselves in someone else's shoes, your advice will only be taken at a surface level. This is what I have learned and this is what I want to share with anyone who is reading. A lot of sisters who ascribe themselves to the Salafi minhaj believe that their harsh words of "FEAR ALLAH! How can you feel this way?!? " , " If you did this and that you wouldn't feel this way!", or " you only feel this way because your emaan is low" (well OBVIOUSLY our emaan is low or else we wouldn't feel this way!!!) .... these words do not help, in fact, they will only drive a sister away from you and the deen.

Many of us become obsessed with seeking knowledge and trying to spread it and share it but fail to realize that the manners and character of a Muslim are far heavier in the sight of Allah than the knowledge that you seek and do not act upon. As you read this, remember that when someone is going through hardship, they are looking for support. They are looking for someone who can listen to them with non-judgemental ears and for someone to remind them about how temporary the Dunya life is and things WILL and DO get better. Yes we also need to be reminded of our blessings and compare ourselves to those less fortunate, but to be honest, when someone is going through hardship, pain IS pain. Their pain is all they can feel at the moment and it is all they can see. It is very difficult to tell someone who is going through a hardship to look at those around them because all they see is their own blurred vision of reality. So continue to be the listening ear, the supportive shoulder, and the encouraging mouth. Even though it is hard for us who are on the receiving end to believe that things WILL and DO get better, we like to hear the encouragement. Encouragement is good. It is needed.

All the days that I feel alone, all the days that I don't feel like talking to anyone, I find myself forcing it upon me to remember that Allah is with me and Allah will help me. I force myself to remember that this is only a test and like gold, I need to go through an extreme process before I can come out beautiful and strong. Even though at this very moment in my life, I do not feel that anybody is with me, I know these thoughts are from shaytaan....Living in a home full of idols, full of negativity and full of no barakah, it is hard to keep strong and firm.

Afterall, I am only a human.

This post may not have much structure to it and may sound all over the place, but that is exactly where my thoughts are right now. All over the place. I am allowing a more raw side of me come through and I hope that somewhere in the world, someone can benefit from this post and to also know that what you feel... I feel too and at the end of the day, I rather struggle as a Muslim to get through life's lessons than to get through it as a non-Muslim who would only drown her sorrows in alcohol and provocative behavior that will bring her nowhere but into her own demise. That thin string of hope is what eventually threads through the needle creating a strong support for use.

At the end of the day, Alhamdulillah we are Muslim.

It may feel difficult at times and we may feel a loss of hope, despair and deep dark sadness. We are only human beings and it is normal to feel negative emotions. Allow yourself to feel them, allow yourself to deeply feel them. Feel them from the bottom, from the top and from the sides and the little, hidden corners. Feel them and get to know them. This is who you are at this very moment. Accept it and then move on. Move up and move on and try to find that glimmer of hope, that loose thread you are hanging onto and hang on to it a little while longer.

 Keep making dua even though you feel like nothing is being answered. Keep pushing yourself to do a good deed daily even if it is as small as saying a good word to someone. Just keep pushing yourself. Maybe it will be during these moments, finally, just finally Allah will respond to your call and grant you relief. This is what I try to tell myself daily, even though it may be hard to understand and implement at times, you just have to do it. Life doesn't wait for anyone and life will move on without you. You can sit and sulk (which I have done enough times this week lol) or you can keep trying, trying and trying until some day, just some day you will see the fruits of your efforts pay off. It is not easy, but nothing in life is and especially getting to Jannah. Everything comes with a hefty price.

I guess it is up to us to decide where we want to pay our attention to. I know it is easy to say all these encouraging things, but acting upon it is something else. I can tell myself these things every day and every night, but in the moments where your emotions take over, it is another story. But we have to try because if we don't tell ourselves these things, then who will right? We can't constantly have our friends and family by our side giving up pep talks 24/7 - especially since they don't even know how we feel or what we are going through! Nobody is living your life except for you so you just gotta live it to the best of your ability...

Sigh.

 Anyway...to all those who are going through hardships and struggling to hold onto their emaan and deen like me, May Allah grant you ease, happiness and tears of joy and success soon and grant you the highest rank in Jannah. Ameen
This Dunya is an exhausting one and all I wish is that I will be able to look back one day at this post and smile. Smile and think to myself " Subhan Allah wow, I made it through and I can't even believe how much has changed since those days..all praise and thanks is for Allah alone! "  I wish that one day I could look back on this post and it will just be a distant memory.

But until that day, this is me and this is who I am at this very moment. 

I haven't had much inspiration to blog lately because I am currently on my own journey to find peace within due to my external environment and circumstances but I found this written piece written by the imam of my masjid to be very insightful and helpful. I hope that you can benefit as well insha'Allah .


 5 Keys to Handling Life Like a Boss
(taken from : http://rashidoon.com/2017/02/18/5-keys-to-handling-life-like-a-boss/) 
Life doesn’t turn out to be what we expect or wish for. It is full of ups and downs and it surprises us in countless ways. If you reflect over the last year of your life you will definitely see moments when life seemed to take you down, and moments when it has offered more than you expected. In brief, this is how life works and expecting it to be fully responsive to your desires and expectations is a tall order.