So, I've been browsing through Facebook because it helps me keep up with worldly events and to also see what kind of nonsense is spreading during this time. A consistent theme I have been seeing is that just how many cultural and born Muslims are dependent on their Ramadan social gatherings! Subhana'Allah!

I've been seeing a bunch of these skit reminders and posts where they are reminding (mainly born) Muslims about how there won't be Taraweeh in the masjids and to urge everyone to stay in their homes during Ramadan. This year, it seems that no masjids will be open during Ramadan. That means no iftar, no suhoor, no five daily prayers and no Taraweeh in the masjids (mosques) this Ramadan. Now, while this is something foreign and heartbreaking to many men and even some women, I feel like it's definitely a beautiful lesson for us to all learn.
It is a time for some to realize that Ramadan is actually a month of solitude and serene worship between the creation and their Creator.

I've written countless posts regarding my Ramadan experiences. At the beginning of it all, I was sad and unable to acknowledge the importance of spending Ramadan in solitude. When I first converted, I expected Ramadan to be a family function and I wanted to be a part of that cultural practice. I thought spending Ramadan with a Muslim family where everyone engaged in worship together and spent time reflecting and understanding the deen together was how a (born) Muslim family celebrated Ramadan, lol.
I couldn't have been more wrong, lol.

Anyway, I'm not here to judge others and how they want to spend their Ramadan but I am here to write about this COVID-19 thing and how it has forced many of us, including myself to spend Ramadan at home. I will, however, mention that, to see many born Muslims share their sorrows of not being able to spend Ramadan in the masjid or spend it with their extended families, kind of makes me sad. I mean, of course, Ramadan is about praying in the masjid and worshiping Allah in a congregation, but when it comes down to it, even though you are standing shoulder to shoulder and standing before the imam reciting the Qur'an, you are to experience a singular and individual experience with you and Allah. Ramadan is for you to improve your relationship with Allah and with yourself. That can't be done by spending all your hours with family and friends. Sometimes, I don't understand how many born Muslim families consider Ramadan a time for eating and sitting with each other and automatically, that's how you are getting closer to Allah. I've kind of witnessed this and experienced it for myself recently and honestly, it is far from the reality of what Ramadan should be.

Ramadan should be a lot of things and spending 24/7 with friends and family, eating and laughing and watching sitcoms is something it shouldn't be.
Ramadan shouldn't be about just sitting there and looking at the time and waiting for that minute to hit the sunset time. Ramadan shouldn't be you wondering what you will buy for Eid and spend countless hours scrolling down your shopping app for the latest trends. Ramadan shouldn't be about just spending hours in the kitchen to prepare iftar. Ramadan shouldn't be about reading Qur'an from cover to cover only the words leaving the tongue. Ramadan shouldn't be about just the technical and physical actions of a Muslim.
I'm really blessed to be able to realize that Allah has allowed me to spend countless Ramadans alone and being able to find that balance of going to the masjid and spending it in the comfort of my own home. I feel blessed that I am able to finally realize that Ramadan should be focusing on bettering myself and preparing my meeting with my Lord, Allah.

So, what should Ramadan be about?
What are your thoughts? Comment below if you'd like.

These quarantine days haven't necessarily been any different than my usual regular routine outside of this whole COVID-19 situation.

I usually spend time alone most of the day and stay at home as much as possible. I actually have to force myself to go outside and get a breath of fresh air, otherwise, I could just continue staying at home avoiding people and avoiding life. 
Sometimes, the thought of getting dressed and having to put on all that Islamic gear, sunscreen and getting my purse ready and then thinking about how I'll feel hot while I'm out or getting too much sun totally just warrants me to stay at home and not be bothered with such strenuous tasks. Not to mention, having to shower and take off the sunscreen with a cleansing balm so my pores don't clog and end up giving me zits and then having to do laundry because you unwillingly perspired under all that fabric of love. I'm sure some of you get me. 

Now that I'm forced to stay at home, I feel like I'm on a holiday. An indefinite holiday where I feel like I can just sit and do absolutely nothing outside of my regular routine. Ramadan is a week away and I know I should be preparing for it but here I am, playing Scrabble Go and wondering what kind of nothing I should do for the rest of the day. 

I am aware that this time-wasting will be held against me on the Day I meet Allah. I know I should be doing more with my time and for His Sake, I should be as productive as possible.
You know, I envy (in a positive way) those who are so active in the deen and so consistently active. Like I've met a bunch of sisters on social media back in 2011 and to this day, they are still engaged in Qur'an studies and forcefully enjoining good and forbidding evil (well, so it seems on their Instagram accounts). They still (seem) to be the same kind of people they once were when I first 'met' them. These types of people seemingly are very inspirational to me as I struggle with consistency and as well, I get bored very quickly. When I start something, I usually intend to finish it but on my own schedule. I hate setting short-term goals or even long-term goals because then I feel forced and once I feel forced into something, I will just lose interest and end up hating something or leaving it altogether. I know this is not a good thing and I recognize it. I'm still trying to find that balance and trying to figure out how I can stay engaged and consistent without turning something into a chore (daunting task?). I know Allah loves consistency even if the deed was something small. I have to remember that.

I think because I'm somewhat an OCDer and an imperfect-perfectionist, I think only grandiose deeds are most beloved and acceptable for rewards. This is not true and I know it, and here's proof, Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Take up good deeds only as much as you are able, for the best deeds are those done regularly even if they are few.” (Sunan Ibn Mājah 4240 Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Albani) 

While it's good to always surround yourself with those who are righteous, I think I've realized that I need to surround myself with people who understand balance and who also recognize that they are human beings who err and struggle. We live in the dunya and therefore we should acknowledge that the dunya is part of this life. We have to find that balance. I wish that I could go back to 2011 and spend every waking, breathing hour learning the deen, spreading the deen and engaging and encouraging others to do the same. I wish I could go back to the way I once was, but as I've learned throughout this journey to Allah, is that, though life is not constant, we are constantly changing. 

I've changed a lot. I've also recognized that I'm not that person I once was back in 2011. Situations are different now and I need to just go with the flow. I know I am wasting time now, I know it and I'm not happy about it. But I also know that I need to figure out what works for me without me falling into what I fell into back in the earlier years of my new Muslim days. I took the plunge when I didn't even know how to float. 

Well, one thing is for sure. 
Something that has kept with me consistently since I converted to Islam has been my writing. Without me even knowing or realizing, writing has always stuck with me. During my easiest and most difficult days, I've always kept writing. By default, I write when I'm happy, sad or just feeling bored and without even knowing it, writing has been the only form of solace that has stuck by me throughout this journey to Allah. 

So, I guess I will continue to write for as long as Allah wills for maybe this is that small, consistent good deed that can help me on the Day I return to Allah. 
Sigh.
The thought of returning to Allah just sends me terrifying chills. 
I guess that's another topic for another day, insha'Allah. 

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatu,

as Ramadan is in a few days (wow, subhana'Allah!) and most of us (those who can follow rules) are in quarantine, I was thinking to start a Ramadan group where we share reminders daily from the Qur'an and Sunnah. I think it would be a good idea to help each other do small deeds during this time, insha'Allah. The group will be on LINE app ( avoiding whatsapp) . If you are interested, you will have to download the app and e-mail me your user ID , at converts4converts@gmail.com !  

Lately, I don't really know what to write.
I don't have much inspiration to write.
Things have changed quite a bit since a year ago and I'm trying to catch up with all of the changes.

The only thing I've learned lately is the things I totally dislike, lol.
Recently, I have learned many things and met many people who I absolutely just don't want to deal with.
I don't know why I've been so intolerant and antisocial lately.
The more people I meet, the less I want to deal with them. I thought I was easygoing, but at this point, I'm not even sure anymore, lol.

I feel like once I thought I had myself figured out, I'm suddenly faced with new challenges.
Well, I guess this is life; I have to keep reminding myself.

Just when things get quiet and I can take a quick breather, I am forced to suddenly rise and keep running to that finish line, whilst not even having caught my first breath!

This dunya is so tiring and I often find myself fighting to find that balance between the dunya and akhirah.
Lately, I'm finding myself more focused on the dunya rather than the akhirah.
It just sneaks up on you without you even realizing!

One minute you fear for what's to come regarding the akhirah and then the next minute you are worrying about financial stresses and not wanting to deal with family members who make your blood boil!

The Journey to Allah really is not an easy one.
There are so many distractions along the way and challenges that just stop you in your tracks and make you wonder what has become of me thus far???

I think the reason I haven't really written much lately or done any self-reflecting posts is that I don't even know what I am these days, lol.

I thought I had it figured out or at least part of me figured out, but the more I am faced with all these people and new situations which I never asked for, I find myself reacting instead of acting. Reacting in a way that isn't positive in the least. What happened to the things I've preached about good manners and good character?

I hate when people think I'm still the person I was when I first converted. Overzealous, 'religious', always have the answers and a good example.
A good example of what, though, lol.

Lately, I feel like I'm far from all of those things. Well, was I ever any of those things?
lol.
Overzealous, yah, maybe a bit too much.

Now, I'm just trying to get to that finish line and hope that my many sins and character flaws won't bring me down. I feel like they are slowing me down and also making me forget from time to time what my true purpose in this life truly is.

I guess, slowly, but surely is better, right?

Sigh, how crazy the dynamics of life is.
One minute you are this and the next minute you are that.

O Allah, our Lord! Give us that which is good in this life, that which is good in the Hereafter and save us from the torment of the Fire.

assalamualaikum,

How is everyone doing with this whole coronavirus thing?
Are you having a hard time quarantining?

Insha'Allah I'll try to post more often during these times!
I've got a lot to say! 

(note this post was prewritten in the past and posted recently)

I remember that night I arrived back into Toronto. All my emotions were on overdrive. I felt overly sad, overly anxious, overly excited, and overly confused. I didn't understand why everything turned out this way. I had pictured a totally different outcome and I thought that Ramadan 2015, my duaas would have been answered.

I had been living in Kentucky for nearly 5 years and as Allah had planned it, I came back to Toronto, alone. I won't go into detail as to why I came back alone because if you are a regular reader of my blog, you all know that I hate talking about my private life AND leave that which does not concern you - right? thx.

I guess you could say I was dreading that long-awaited day where I would be packing up all my things and closing that chapter in my life. I have always welcomed change in my life but I wasn't too sure if I was ready for this chapter ending and having a new one start right before my eyes. A sense of fear, loneliness, uncertainty, and despair had hit me all at once. But I was counting down the days when I would be moving back to Toronto?! Wasn't I? 

It wasn't what I had imagined it to be.
Drowning in my own tears masked by a weakened smile, I took a deep breath and dove right in.

Life back here has not been an easy one. Going from four long years of living in USA without any non-Muslim interference to diving right in a non-Muslim household was challenging. I had to adjust and I had to adjust fast. It took around six months to actually feel OK with my not-so-new surroundings. The first year was 'hell' (may Allah protect me and all of us from actually hellfire ameen!) I can't even begin to describe the feelings I went through. Of course, I look back and I say Alhamdulillah, it truly felt like a cleansing process. I truly felt like a piece of metal being heated to degrees that I couldn't bear, but I bore it and I bore it some more.

When I look back at my life in Kentucky, I can't even believe how I managed to get through those last few years. I suffered from anxiety attacks, fear of leaving my home because I was afraid I would get shot (audhubillah), dealing with the most annoying (again, this is subjective) individuals I have ever met, no Islamic inspirations or real Muslim community around me, and while everyone's life around me always seemed to keep moving- mine always felt like it was at a standstill. Alhamdulillah 

When I moved back to Toronto certain things got better alhamdulillah and many things got worse. I was faced with a whole new load of hardships that I never thought I could possibly get through. Time and time again my emaan was being tested. How I lasted, I do not even know. All I know is that I continue to ask Allah for ease and relief and to never test me with anything beyond what I have been going through. Ameen!

One thing I learned from this is that I really should not be complaining about ANYTHING! Because honestly, Allah could just test me with something worse than what I am going through (May Allah protect me from that ameen) and then I will come to realize, 'wow the first hardship was nothing compared to this!' "And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, 'If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.' " Though the tafsir for this verse is referring to Musa (aleyhi salam) and his people, this verse really reminds me of the seriousness of being ungrateful! How often do we find ourselves complaining about something only to be tested with something worse? Then we realise that the test we faced in the beginning was nothing compared to the other things we end up having to go through!

When I think about all the things that have happened to me thus far since 2014, I am in awe as to how I overcame them. There were many moments of weakness where I felt I could go on no longer and there were times I questioned myself and my decision to be a Muslim. I know now these are only thoughts from shaytan the accursed (May Allah always keep us steadfast and firm upon His beautiful deen ameen!) My constant pleading and crying to Allah was the only thing that got me through all these painful trials. Many piercings to the heart with hardships I never asked for has taught me so much about myself and who I am as a Muslim woman. Even if my faith was rocky and feeling unstable, I would ask myself "but who else could help me except Allah?" and I would remember even before I found Allah and Islam, even during my darkest hours, I would cry out to Him alone! Because let's face it, no friend, no boyfriend, no spouse or parent can take away the deafening pains we feel in our hearts- especially if they are the ones who caused them! Allah is the only one who remains forever there to hear our cries and our sorrows. 

What a struggle it has been. What a journey thus far I have traveled. When I look back at how far I have come, I can't even imagine how I made it through. Even though my situation has not changed, I feel a sense of self-growth that I never experienced before. Perhaps this is what Allah has been trying to teach me all along? To grow as a Muslim, alone. all.by.myself. 
No external help. Just me and Allah. 

Constant tears, constant feelings of helplessness and finally I have surfaced. I still continue to struggle with many things but I feel like Allah has given me this chance to open my eyes to what is inside me and not around me. I somehow landed upon this reminder, "The heart does not cease being put to trial until the slave makes all his religion for Allah." (Ibn Taymiyyah - Al Fataawaa: 10/545)
This reminder is so beneficial for me in many ways. For me, it teaches me that until I leave all my fears, tears, worries, cries, and pleads for Allah alone, that is the only time when I will feel that ease and relief that Allah has promised.

I still continue on with this journey. So many things to learn and understand. Discovering who I am as a person and as a Muslim. I learned about my likes and dislikes, I discovered things I excel at and things I have no interest in. I learned how to say NO and I learned how to deal with annoying people. I learned that through being thankful and grateful, comes patience. My hardships are my own and nobody understands them but me. At the beginning, I felt lost and confused. I often questioned and wondered when will my relief come O' Allah?! I still have a long way to go. I have my moments where I feel helpless and hopeless. But then I remember again and again "the heart does not cease being put to trial until the slave makes all his religion for Allah." and so I try to move forward and remember that this dunya life is only a test. A test of fear, pain, hunger, and loss. So I write and I write until I discover more clarity within and find that sense of relief.

Though things remain the same since I moved back here three years ago, I have changed.
Though my situation remains at a standstill, I move forward and that is my choice.
And so, through the hardships, I find myself.

If you used to be a reader of my blog when I first converted, you may have been quite familiar on my stance with the hijab and niqab. I often shared my opinion which consisted of chasticizing, criticizing (without wisdom), and basically pointing fingers at these individuals who would sexualize and beautify the hijab/niqab. I look back at myself when I first converted, and I can't help but roll my eyes. Don't get me wrong, what I see online (when I do ocassionally make it onto social media), I still consider to be quite sad and disappointing but at the same time, I now have a little bit more sympathy and forebarance towards such sisters.

Why, you ask?

Well, since I moved back to Toronto, I decided to request a class at the masjid solely for converts. When I first moved back, as much as I love my city and the grand array of Muslim friendly things, I couldn't find much in terms of a converts' support group-especially at my local masjid. I reached out to all the converts I knew and I asked them for their opinion and what kind of things they wanted: a support group. Once the masjid agreed and the imam volunteered his precious time (may Allah bless him and reward him, ameen) to help us with our needs, the class came to fruition by the Permission of Allah.

Many of you know that I am no longer a full time niqabi since I moved back to Toronto. Although my views on the niqab have since changed, I still adopt modesty in the light of the Qur'an and Sunnah (insha'Allah). The way I dress is my choice, and for me, it just feels right to dress the way I do. My understanding of what Allah wants from me and what I think is considered modest is apparent through the way I dress. I keep in mind that I am living under the roof of my NON-Muslim parents and that I need to make my surroundings the most comfortable and accomodating for myself and my parents. That being said, I do not wear ALL BLACK around them nor do I wear what I wear to the masjid around them. I know what is expected of me as a Muslim woman and I know where my stance is on the topic of modesty.

Now, the reason I am stating my stance, is because I want you all to know that though I dress the way I do and have my strong opinions in regards to hijab and modesty, I have come to realize that many sisters are on different paths and journeys with their modesty. Some sisters do not wear hijab, only wear hijab in the masjid, wear makeup with their hijab, wear hijab with fitted clothing, wear makeup without hijab, and the list goes on. The years I have spent living here thus far, has introduced me to many sisters from all walks of life. Sisters who dress this way or that way or that way or this way; I have learned that all of them are on a journey. All of them are struggling. All of them want to be a better Muslim but their nafs are weakening them and they feel guilty every single day. They know what is expected of them but they are struggling. I know many sisters who are not ready to take that big leap but they have the kindest of hearts and they have been there for me more than those who call themselves a niqabi have. These sisters are human beings and they struggle to strive, just like us.

I felt the urge to discuss this because, the other day, on Instagram (one of the rare times I decided to go on there, lol) I saw one of the sisters, who I didn't know I was following, try to give naseeha about those who wear hijab/or don't who beautify themselves online. I remember I wrote a few long posts ranting and raving about this topic and I remember how much controvery it sparked. I get it now. I truly realized that the way I approached this topic, was by far not the wisest nor the most effective. Pointing out their faults yet failing to be sympathetic and trying to understand where they were coming from, was something I couldn't do. I just couldn't, because I didn't know how.

Living here and going through hardships have allowed me to realize that we are all humans.


The struggle to wear hijab or the struggle to stop beautifying oneself for everyone to see isn't something that you can turn on or off like a light switch. There is something deeper within that these sisters need to explore, and that is the self. One needs to explore themselves and figure out who they truly are and who they mean to themselves before they can get to know Allah and love Him. Self-love starts within and a lot of sisters need to find that for themselves. They need to figure it out on their own. It is their journey, not yours. Yes, we want for our sisters what we want for ourselves, and just because you are where you want to be, doesn't mean others are there yet. It takes time, patience and non-judgemental advice and support. Do you think your advice of "i don't understand why some sisters need to do this or that..." or " sisters, why are you doing this and that???" ...will really be effective?? Those who give these kinds of advice are those exact ones who live in their "perfect" little Muslim country bubble and who have never experienced what it feels like to struggle in a non-Islamic environment.

Come on! Honestly, whenever I see these kinds of sisters who try to give their 2 cents, I really wish they could for one week just step outside their bubble and live in a totally non-Islamic environment where it is a struggle to integrate with a non-Muslim country and not lose their Muslim identity. I mean, one doesn't even have to be living in a Muslim country for one to have common sense on how to treat others who are struggling with the deen...It just takes some compassion and empathy and to put oneself in the others' shoes to know where one is coming from.
To be fair, many born Muslims in Toronto judge converts and approach them in the most incorrect way. Many born Muslims and even these over-jealous converts who live in non-Muslim countries are beyond judgemental and this needs to stop. If you think you are so perfect and can call others to Allah this way, then you really need to revisit your the Qur'an and Sunnah and find another teacher. A message to all, please be aware and be careful how you give advice to others lest you make matters worse and turn them even further away from Allah. What's worse, you will be tested with the same things you are criticizing others about.
May Allah protect us from going astray and give us wisdom in all aspects of life and use it for good, Ameen.    

Have you ever met those types of people who just seem to smother your open wounds with a whole tablespoon of salt? I have! I have met many.

Either these people just don't get it or they lack common sense - which by the way, in 2019, is not so common anymore. Sometimes I marvel at the types of personalities out there. Of course, I am fully flawed myself and I have some serious personality issues; but alhamdulillah, I admit them completely and I know my many shortcomings and I always ask Allah to not make me out to be what I hate! Aameen!

It's just that, some people are really clueless, you know?
Maybe I am one of them?! Who knows!
Maybe this is a post directed to me!
I mean, I never write with the intention of just addressing the general public without me having to reflect on my own self first, so insha'Allah this will be a good reminder to myself, first and foremost.

I mean, judging only by the apparent, I feel like these people have not had a lot of experience dealing with humans or life in general. I almost feel like these people can be categorized into the narcissist (audhbillah ) category! They lack empathy, they only talk about themselves, they fail to listen, they nearly shove in your face things you really don't want to hear about (their marriage, their husband, their children, etc..), they think their advice is golden when in reality it probably would have been better if they never spoke in the first place. There are some who are far from falling into the narcissistic category but are just plain negative. Being around these types of people are draining, to say the least. Sometimes we feel obligated to be around these people, or at least I thought I was, but then I realized, why should I sacrifice my own wellbeing to be around people who do nothing but sabotage my state of mind/wellbeing?

I know many of us want to be that supportive sister when one of our friends cry out for help. We try our best to offer beneficial advice and solutions that may help them feel a sense of solace and comfort. I understand that and I know the intentions are from a pure place (insha'Allah) but have we ever thought to ourselves, everyone is different thus the advice we offer may not always hit home for the other person? I remember when I first converted to Islam and I was beyond overzealous with my new faith. The advice I gave others was not always ideal nor was it the solution to their problems. In fact, some of my solutions, at that time, could have been more detrimental than beneficial. May Allah forgive me for my ignorance ameen.

But sometimes our advice can add salt to their wounds.
Sometimes our careless anecdotes can add salt to their wounds.
Sometimes our actions can add salt to their wounds.

I think it is extremely important to be aware of our words when we are with certain types of people. Remember, not everybody is like you. Just because you handle things one way, doesn't mean the other person wants to handle it your way.

Just because you experienced something and went about it a certain way, does not mean that the other person will react positively to your methods or your words. I remember I met a few sisters who had gone through some hardships and as a result, it had really scarred them. Thus leaving them with a lesser-than-tainted outlook on life and as a result, when I was in their company, I felt negative and sad about myself and about my situation. I have nothing against these types of sisters and I ask Allah to relieve them from their hardships and give them comfort within, Ameen; but if I am already struggling and going through some tests myself, I don't need to be around anymore Debbie-downers, right? 

I need to be around people who are encouraging and who will remind me that Allah will respond to my duaas. I need someone to remind me about Ayyub (aleyhi salam) or Yusuf (aleyhi salam) and Ya'qub (aleyhi salam)! I need someone to remind me that they went through hardship after hardship after hardship and to the point of utter exhaustion yet they still persevered and prevailed because they believed in Allah and kept making duaa. I need someone to say " You're doing great and I know that everything will work out for you soon insha'Allah, because why would it not? Allah's promise is always true!" instead of them relaying their whole life's experience and making the whole conversation based around them and their own experience. Sometimes, people don't want to hear about your experience because, well, everyone's experience is conducive to themselves and not many people can really relate to you - duh. 

Sometimes, we need to make it about them, and not about us. 

When someone is going through hardships, offering them generic advice like "don't worry, it will get better insha'Allah," or " have patience," or "it is what it is, at least you have this and that and you are this and that" can only reach less than skin deep. YES, these are great and they are the obvious things that we should say but we need to figure out how to help their wounds, not add salt to them. 

Nu’man b. Bashir reported Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: The similitude of believers in regard to mutual love, affection, fellow-feeling is that of one body; when any limb of it aches, the whole body aches, because of sleeplessness and fever. Book 032, Number 6258: (Sahih Muslim)

Being empathetic and sympathetic is the medicine to their open wounds. Feeling their pain as if it were your own and offering sincere advice that comes from within your soul is something that will help others. When you feel what they feel, that is when you will help their wounds heal rather than making them worse. 

I decided to write this post because it was not until recently when I went through my own hardships and realized some of the advice some sisters would give me would often leave me feeling worse off than if I hadn't spoken to them in the first place. They put more salt on my wounds. That is why I am a very private person. A lot of people can actually make you feel worse rather than better and that is why I am so selective with friends and with who I go to for advice. Thus, I want to write this post and address how important it is to be sensitive and empathetic to the one who comes to us for advice. It was not until I realized how I didn't want to be treated that I realized how I should treat others. When people come to you for advice, they want comfort and affirmation that everything WILL BE OK. They are not coming to you so you can disregard their feelings and make them feel worse. If you help them, Allah will help you. Isn't that convincing enough?



When we offer advice to others, it should be about them and not us. 
#MicDROP