COVID-19: I'm wasting time.
These quarantine days haven't necessarily been any different than my usual regular routine outside of this whole COVID-19 situation.
I usually spend time alone most of the day and stay at home as much as possible. I actually have to force myself to go outside and get a breath of fresh air, otherwise, I could just continue staying at home avoiding people and avoiding life.
Sometimes, the thought of getting dressed and having to put on all that Islamic gear, sunscreen and getting my purse ready and then thinking about how I'll feel hot while I'm out or getting too much sun totally just warrants me to stay at home and not be bothered with such strenuous tasks. Not to mention, having to shower and take off the sunscreen with a cleansing balm so my pores don't clog and end up giving me zits and then having to do laundry because you unwillingly perspired under all that fabric of love. I'm sure some of you get me.
Now that I'm forced to stay at home, I feel like I'm on a holiday. An indefinite holiday where I feel like I can just sit and do absolutely nothing outside of my regular routine. Ramadan is a week away and I know I should be preparing for it but here I am, playing Scrabble Go and wondering what kind of nothing I should do for the rest of the day.
I am aware that this time-wasting will be held against me on the Day I meet Allah. I know I should be doing more with my time and for His Sake, I should be as productive as possible.
You know, I envy (in a positive way) those who are so active in the deen and so consistently active. Like I've met a bunch of sisters on social media back in 2011 and to this day, they are still engaged in Qur'an studies and forcefully enjoining good and forbidding evil (well, so it seems on their Instagram accounts). They still (seem) to be the same kind of people they once were when I first 'met' them. These types of people seemingly are very inspirational to me as I struggle with consistency and as well, I get bored very quickly. When I start something, I usually intend to finish it but on my own schedule. I hate setting short-term goals or even long-term goals because then I feel forced and once I feel forced into something, I will just lose interest and end up hating something or leaving it altogether. I know this is not a good thing and I recognize it. I'm still trying to find that balance and trying to figure out how I can stay engaged and consistent without turning something into a chore (daunting task?). I know Allah loves consistency even if the deed was something small. I have to remember that.
I think because I'm somewhat an OCDer and an imperfect-perfectionist, I think only grandiose deeds are most beloved and acceptable for rewards. This is not true and I know it, and here's proof, Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Take up good deeds only as much as you are able, for the best deeds are those done regularly even if they are few.” (Sunan Ibn Mājah 4240 Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Albani)
While it's good to always surround yourself with those who are righteous, I think I've realized that I need to surround myself with people who understand balance and who also recognize that they are human beings who err and struggle. We live in the dunya and therefore we should acknowledge that the dunya is part of this life. We have to find that balance. I wish that I could go back to 2011 and spend every waking, breathing hour learning the deen, spreading the deen and engaging and encouraging others to do the same. I wish I could go back to the way I once was, but as I've learned throughout this journey to Allah, is that, though life is not constant, we are constantly changing.
I've changed a lot. I've also recognized that I'm not that person I once was back in 2011. Situations are different now and I need to just go with the flow. I know I am wasting time now, I know it and I'm not happy about it. But I also know that I need to figure out what works for me without me falling into what I fell into back in the earlier years of my new Muslim days. I took the plunge when I didn't even know how to float.
Well, one thing is for sure.
Something that has kept with me consistently since I converted to Islam has been my writing. Without me even knowing or realizing, writing has always stuck with me. During my easiest and most difficult days, I've always kept writing. By default, I write when I'm happy, sad or just feeling bored and without even knowing it, writing has been the only form of solace that has stuck by me throughout this journey to Allah.
So, I guess I will continue to write for as long as Allah wills for maybe this is that small, consistent good deed that can help me on the Day I return to Allah.
Sigh.
The thought of returning to Allah just sends me terrifying chills.
I guess that's another topic for another day, insha'Allah.
I usually spend time alone most of the day and stay at home as much as possible. I actually have to force myself to go outside and get a breath of fresh air, otherwise, I could just continue staying at home avoiding people and avoiding life.
Sometimes, the thought of getting dressed and having to put on all that Islamic gear, sunscreen and getting my purse ready and then thinking about how I'll feel hot while I'm out or getting too much sun totally just warrants me to stay at home and not be bothered with such strenuous tasks. Not to mention, having to shower and take off the sunscreen with a cleansing balm so my pores don't clog and end up giving me zits and then having to do laundry because you unwillingly perspired under all that fabric of love. I'm sure some of you get me.
Now that I'm forced to stay at home, I feel like I'm on a holiday. An indefinite holiday where I feel like I can just sit and do absolutely nothing outside of my regular routine. Ramadan is a week away and I know I should be preparing for it but here I am, playing Scrabble Go and wondering what kind of nothing I should do for the rest of the day.
I am aware that this time-wasting will be held against me on the Day I meet Allah. I know I should be doing more with my time and for His Sake, I should be as productive as possible.
You know, I envy (in a positive way) those who are so active in the deen and so consistently active. Like I've met a bunch of sisters on social media back in 2011 and to this day, they are still engaged in Qur'an studies and forcefully enjoining good and forbidding evil (well, so it seems on their Instagram accounts). They still (seem) to be the same kind of people they once were when I first 'met' them. These types of people seemingly are very inspirational to me as I struggle with consistency and as well, I get bored very quickly. When I start something, I usually intend to finish it but on my own schedule. I hate setting short-term goals or even long-term goals because then I feel forced and once I feel forced into something, I will just lose interest and end up hating something or leaving it altogether. I know this is not a good thing and I recognize it. I'm still trying to find that balance and trying to figure out how I can stay engaged and consistent without turning something into a chore (daunting task?). I know Allah loves consistency even if the deed was something small. I have to remember that.
I think because I'm somewhat an OCDer and an imperfect-perfectionist, I think only grandiose deeds are most beloved and acceptable for rewards. This is not true and I know it, and here's proof, Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Take up good deeds only as much as you are able, for the best deeds are those done regularly even if they are few.” (Sunan Ibn Mājah 4240 Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Albani)
While it's good to always surround yourself with those who are righteous, I think I've realized that I need to surround myself with people who understand balance and who also recognize that they are human beings who err and struggle. We live in the dunya and therefore we should acknowledge that the dunya is part of this life. We have to find that balance. I wish that I could go back to 2011 and spend every waking, breathing hour learning the deen, spreading the deen and engaging and encouraging others to do the same. I wish I could go back to the way I once was, but as I've learned throughout this journey to Allah, is that, though life is not constant, we are constantly changing.
I've changed a lot. I've also recognized that I'm not that person I once was back in 2011. Situations are different now and I need to just go with the flow. I know I am wasting time now, I know it and I'm not happy about it. But I also know that I need to figure out what works for me without me falling into what I fell into back in the earlier years of my new Muslim days. I took the plunge when I didn't even know how to float.
Well, one thing is for sure.
Something that has kept with me consistently since I converted to Islam has been my writing. Without me even knowing or realizing, writing has always stuck with me. During my easiest and most difficult days, I've always kept writing. By default, I write when I'm happy, sad or just feeling bored and without even knowing it, writing has been the only form of solace that has stuck by me throughout this journey to Allah.
So, I guess I will continue to write for as long as Allah wills for maybe this is that small, consistent good deed that can help me on the Day I return to Allah.
Sigh.
The thought of returning to Allah just sends me terrifying chills.
I guess that's another topic for another day, insha'Allah.
1 comments
As salaamu alaykum. Allahumma barik laki, it's so nice to hear that writing brings you a sense of comfort and is a constant for you. JazakAllahu khairan for sharing that hadeeth because I need to hear it often.
ReplyDeleteAssalamualaikum, please be mindful about what you are about to write. Think about it before writing and make sure it is something positive and beneficial, otherwise it will be deleted and ignored. JazakiAllah kheyr ! Sisters ONLY! xo